Ang Babaeng Namumuhay Mag-isa

Babae akong namumuhay ng mag-isa
Hiwalay sa awasa
Matandang Dalaga
Kerida
Puta.

Ang aking pag-iisa'y
Batik na ituturing ng aking lipunan
Latay na pabaon ng nakaraan,
Pilat na taglay hanggang sa kasalukuyan.

May pagsusulit na hindi ko nakayanan,
May timbangang nagtakda ng aking pagkukulang,
May pagsusuring kumilatis
Sa pagkatanso ng aking pagkatao.
Lagi'y may panghuhusga sa aking pagiisa.

Ang di nila nakita'y
Akin din naman ang pagpapasya.
Isang maliit na kalayaang
Hinamak ng iba ko pang
Pagkakapiit, pagka-alipin
Sa aking lipunan.

Ang pag-iisa'y di pag talikod
Sa pag-ibig, pagnanasa, o pananagutan
Hindi ito pagsuko
Sa katuparan ng pangarap.
Hindi ito pagtanaw sa buhay ng hubad sa pag-asa.

Paghangad lamang
Na kamay ko ang magpatakbo sa aking orasan
Puso ko at isipan ang sumulat ng aking kasaysayan,
Sarili ko ang humubog sa aking kabuuan.

Hayaan akong mamuhay nang payapa,
Nang hindi ikinakabit sa aking pangalan
Ang mga tawag ng pagkutya:
Puta,
Kerida,
Matandang Dalaga,
Hiwalay sa asawa,
Babae man akong namumuhay nang mag-isa.



by Joi Barrios



i was awed the first time i read this poem. i remember thinking "whoah." i was on my 2nd year in college when i encountered this poem. i think is is the only tagalog poem i can say i really memorized. our Filipino literature prof made us recite this in front of the class one by one. first time i ever cursed aloud with a roomful of people and without getting reprimanded or threatened with a slap.

if you belong to any of the above, here's hoping you find some girl power from joi barrios feisty statement (assuming you can read and understand tagalog).

i don't believe i have a monopoly on stupidity

but leaving a flat iron semi-on at the risk of burning down the entire house may just tip the scales in my favor.

i was at the end of one of my calls when i realized, i don't remember unplugging the damn thing. so i turned that thought over and over on my mind and went through everything i did before i left the house.

i remember plugging it on, turning the heat to the max. ironed my shirt (at least tried to) then my cellphone rang. my supervisor was calling. new schedules. apparently, i have to choose among the 3: an 11pm sched (sun-mon), 10pm sched or 12am sched (fri-sat). since i am a morning person, the only thing that would matter is the rest day. either way, the scheds are all tae for me. it's a good thing it's already may. i don't know how long i could last. i chose the 11pm - 8am sched since i have a sunday morning class at 9am. how to get there within an hour was a problem i was not able to think about until later. the last thing i remember was my supe telling me that it's nearly 7am and i'm still in the house. (i'm gonna be late, i know).

after that, i grabbed my shirt. removed the lint with a scotch tape because i sit beside zai who is OC about removing lint from black/dark clothes. after that, i grabbed my bag and went out. shit, there goes the iron.

at about a quarter to 9am, for some unknown reason i started to think about the iron. i don't really recall unplugging it. i sent an sms to my sister and my brother to go to the house and check the iron. but my sister is already in qc and my brother is in manila attending his class. bummer. my father is in sta. rosa, laguna. tough luck there.

my 2 siblings were sending me sms like, "you what?!!!" my brother sent me an sms saying "i can't concentrate on my review because *** *** how can you leave the damn thing on. somebody's house there just burned down a couple of days ago!. you have to go back." i thought of going back around lunch but of course by then it might be too late. i remember telling edel that if i burned down the house, i'm never gonna show my face on that place again. and she said, well there's nothing to go back to =) thanks for the comforting thought tita E.

i recall the time when my sister left the electric stove on. when i got home i went to the kitchen and wondered 'why the heck is it hot as hell in here?' then as i checked the stove, it was still on to the max and the coils are glowing fiery red. the house didn't burn down then but it looks like that house may not be so lucky this time. and i'm just the one to do it. ***sigh*** our neighbors will prolly flay me alive.

i had to go home (thanks marcy). on the way there, i passed through the fire station. counted the fiery red fire trucks. three. nothing seems to be amiss. everything's calm. so my place seems to be intact.

then as i stepped down from the jeep and walked to aurora, i heard the 'clang, clang' of the bell. since there was a fire about 5 houses away from our place last week, so the sound sent me into panic. but instead of running. i was literally frozen on my place. it was so damn hot outside but i felt like somebody just doused me with cold cold water. i felt my heart dropped down to my intestines and then felt like throwing it up. as i looked down the street, there was a fiery red truck parked just before the narrow street that leads down to the house i was staying in. and the only thing that went over my mind then was "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit." i wondered whether i should go continue walking or call my dad. what the heck am i gonna tell my dad? and my landlady?! that i left my stupid iron on and burned down the entire house? oh dear...

i looked at all the people gathered on the street and felt everyone looking at me. of course i was right smack in the middle of the street and just staring dumbly at that red truck. i started walking towards it, i never bite my nails but i found myself biting three out of 2. all the way saying "oh shit" like it was some kind of mantra when i should be praying.

as i got nearer, i can smell the stink. it doesn't smell like a burning house. it smells like trash. as i edged closer to the truck. what do you know? a garbage truck. duh. no wonder there are so many people outside. oh shit. so i ran like hell to our street, banged the gates and took the stairs two at a time. when i opened the door, i can smell the burning banana leaves that have now turned to black. i use banana leaves instead of those commercial stuff they sell to make ironing clothes smoother (or whatever) and it smells nice too. not too mention hazardous when you leave the iron on. i unplugged the iron and switched the electricity off of the entire house. i don't remember turning the knob on the iron to a minimum, but it was on turned to the minimum level. i must've done it unconsciously as i answered the phone.so Someone UP there have not forgotten me. it was only past 9am but i feel like turning in and calling it a day. another incident like this and my heart will give out on me.

as i was going down the stairs, i met my landlady who exclaimed her surprise at seeing me. i told her i forgot something so i went back. little did she know...




Life is an unbroken succession of false situations. -

Thornton Wilder

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

i haven't really blogged in a very long time. primary reason was i've been busy trying to solve the puzzles available to me in the enigma before it ended on April 3. what a sad for me. for the past few weeks i was in penultimate panic mode until it was formally announced by the keepers that they have agreed to have scarecrow host the new site and we can continue with our craziness there. so for the last month, i've only solved a measly 4 puzzles. my plan of solving one to 2 puzzles in a day from march 3 until the game ends on the 3rd of april was nothing but A plan. for some reason, my march was crammed with so many trips.

just last march 16, i went to baguio with my good friend love to attend her bf's graduation. i've only been to baguio once. to be honest, i wasn't really impressed with it the first time. so i never really understood what the big deal about baguio was. from the distance as we were about to enter baguio, i remember thinking how scary it looks. the houses look like mausoleums from afar. for the baguio folks, it must be ordinary but i don't think i can live in a house where just right behind it is a very steep drop off.

ok so i dig the cool climate etc etc but neither burnham nor mines view impressed me. however, the ube from good shepherd really impressed (with emphasis on really) me. i was drooling for days even when i've returned to naga and content of the jar had been long gone. that ube brings heaven to the taste buds. i also loved the abundant flora i found there. my mother would've taken home an entire load of flower filled pots had she been able to. she would've bought loads of broccoli too.

as for burnham, i wasn't really too keen on being on board that boat. i have a phobia of boarding really small boats. so i didn't get to appreciate it much. unless it's as big as the super ferry, you'd have to really tie me up before you can get me to board it. i won't go peacefully. as for mines view, i remember thinking what the heck is everyone staring at? it was quite foggy and staring at some mountain filled with holes is not my kind of past time. sorry. but i enjoyed eating the maize with butter and such. ahhh heaven. so i guess now you know what i enjoyed doing most while i was in baguio =)

my second trip was mostly spent inside the fort del pilar grounds. we left on a sunday, march 16. my classmate from the ole U was graduating from the PMA. we left cubao at 7am and arrived around 1:30pm. took a cab to the grounds and waited for pres inside nakar hall where we were billeted. as soon as we opened the doors of nakar, you can smell how old that house was. it's the kind of smell old wooden houses have. don't know how to describe it. it assails your nostrils and makes you feel like you've just step into one of those old haunted house movies. on my first trip to baguio, we stayed at teacher's camp at the claro m recto hall. it was old and made of wood. and it felt like a house in a horror movie. it didn't help that my cousin was telling us tales about the haunted houses of baguio while we were on the road. so i was so creeped out, i didn't drink so much fluid in the afternoon so i won't have to go down and pee in the middle of the night because the bathroom was downstairs. and it was a very distant downstairs, at least it was to me. and it was so bloody dark at night (some streets doesn't seem to have street lamps) and cold. perfect for ghost haunting.

on my second day (march 17) we watched the silent drill on the borromeo field. so called silent because the cadets march or follow the beat of the drum and nothing else (something to that effect). anyways, i wasn't really paying that much attention because we were too far from the grandstand (it was full by the time we arrived). we only started to really watch it when they started making the clock formation and of course at the last part when they danced to some upbeat tune. later on we went to burnham and our lady of Fatima grotto. this time with pres' siblings and some of his highschool mates.

since joash's sister knew one of the nuns who was currently staying there, we were able to get past the gate and got a tour of the place. to say that the inside was beautiful would be an understatement. i wish i have the right word to describe it but that place really took my breath away. it's serves as a retreat house. there was a statue of the resurrection. a circular rock formation surrounded ( i think) with water. it's some sort of a replica of what igorot elders use. Sr. Nene said that the igorot elders sit inside it when they are making some big decisions. i don't know what it's called. but it was one of the things that stand out in that place which was about 100 years old. then there's the labyrinth, the path of which is made up of white pebbles. at the center of it is another rock seat (just for one person unlike the other one) where you can ponder after you've made your way through the labyrinth. inside the formation house is a small chapel. the fog comes in early in the morning and in the afternoon. it was so serene and really beautiful. but what really grabbed me the most was the place of adoration of the blessed sacrament. the monstrance is housed in a miniature kubo (nipa hut) that can be opened by prolly pushing some unseen button on the low seat nearest to it. the door of the nipa hut slowly slides open and the monstrance with the blessed sacrament (lit behind by a yellow light) is displayed. the left side wall is adorned by depictions (i think) of the stations of the cross. at the center is christ nailed on the cross and he is dressed like an igorot native. it was late in the afternoon and the fog has started to roll in form the windows. it was so peaceful and quiet and for moment, i thought of my mother; that wherever she is she would be in a place as beautiful and peaceful as this. and as i left the room, i hoped that i can have the serenity of this place too.

on our third day (march 18), was the Graduation day of the PMA Baghawi class.
Bagong Halaw ng Lahi. by my third day, i've come to accept that rides were a little scarce there. so we walked most of the time which is ok. we needed the exercise. we walked to the grandstand and got there at about 9:30AM. security was tight. we had to pass through 3 "check points." my bag and every compartment was opened. they even opened my toiletry bag and the female security was prolly surprised with my "baons." the grandstand was already full. i learned later from pres that as early as 5 am while they were doing their drills, some people were already camped out there on the grandstand. damn. since that day had to be one of the unfortunate days when God reminds me i'm a girl. that didn't really help me with my mood. after an hour or so i decided to go out of the grandstand and just stay out since the miasma of perfumes, colognes, sweat and what-have-you's is starting to make me dizzy. since i've been known (by my siblings at least) to have fainting episodes when i have one of those days. my siblings were sending me SMS several times to find out if i'm still standing (duh!). i am not a wimp (at least not all the time). i decided fresh air will do me good. i even managed to find a five hundred peso bill on the stairs. lucky me.

after some time, pres and his sis managed to finagle some seats for us. and as the hours passed, more and more people were crammed on the stands. the guest of honor, PGMA finally arrived at past 2PM and finally the ceremony begun. their graduation ceremony was over in less than 2 hours. the wait was so much longer =) as soon as the picture taking was over, love and i went back to nakar since i wasn't feeling too well. i laid down on the bed and almost fell asleep.

on our last day, we spent most of it touring the PMA grounds which meant more walking. pres processed his clearance papers. so love and i explored the grounds. we posed and posed with every statue, tree, flower, armored tank, etc etc that we could find. my bus left baguio at around 11pm and then went straight to work the next day.

and then just last friday, i found myself on a trip to bicol. i was suppose to leave thursday night. but i went home late after attending bulet's post birthday blow out. i was not able to catch my bus which left at 8:30pm. then on saturday my friend and i went to sabang to be beach bums for a day. then we decided to stay over night at one of the new resorts there.

i visited my mom, went to buyo to catch up with the rest of my relatives. i was feeling nostalgic. or prolly just getting old.

April 4
on my four day restday, i had originally planned to spend that time solving my puzzles but i never even got to log on and solve one. pc and saltwater just don't match. and now the game has ended. i was able to solve one a few hours before it shut down. i finished it at 165 out of 200 something and i'm still stuck with over 30 puzzles. i was trying to get even, when after i click on submit i got the 404. that was 2:44am cst on my avaya. i was so deflated after that. i went to the monument to finish the puzzle. but apparently i have to start from scratch so i can get to the puzzles i was solving before the original site shut down.

at past 5pm, rain, gwen and i walked to jg to get our APE's done. it was the fastest APE i've gone through in my 4 years here. i was able to get everything done within an hour. i did not experience any horrifying slash traumatic moments as my blood was being drawn out. of course i had to ask the koya who was going to draw the blood how long he's been doing this. "new grad po". (tae, dale ako). i had to bit my lip to stop an expletive from coming out.

me: kuya isang tusok lang ha
nurse: oo ba. saan ka lagi kinukunan ng dugo
me: kanan (he proceeded to untie the rubber band from my left arm, pero di niya mapalabas yung ugat)
nurse: dun na lang ulit sa kaliwa tinitingnan ko lang
me: tae (yan di na nakapagpigil)
(pagkatapos tusukin ako ng karayom at habang hihugutan ako ng dugo)
nurse: masakit ba?
me: (kunyari nahulog sa upuan at hinimatay)
nurse: yan tapos na. di naman masakit di ba.
me: sige ako tutusok sayo kuya.

and then i went to the female doctor who checked on my reflexes. after she hit my right knee with the mini hammer, for some reason i started laughing and could not stop. so maybe i need a neuro exam too to check my brainwaves.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. - Martin Luther King Jr.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you...

Yesterday was not a good day for some people. First, as I was on my way home I met Gene. Seeing him was not the bad thing but he told me he just came from Makati Medical Center because his brother-in-law got shot! Apparently some crook tried to rob a Chinese businessman who just withdrew PHP500000 from the bank. The businessman ran inside the carwash where Gene's brother-in-law was (having their car washed because his family just arrived from Bicol)and the robbers pursued him there where they shot the businessman and his brother-in-law. Ironically, his brother-in-law retired from the military to pursue a safer career path.



I haven't watch the news in months and just when I decided to tune in yesterday, I heard that former President Aquino have colon cancer. As I was watching two of her children relay the news, I couldn't help but cry, again. I cannot help but remember my mother. I was remembering how the news that she had breast cancer was relayed to me by no less than my brother who wasn't good at breaking bad news. My brother was crying over the phone and since he rarely shows any emotion much less cry, I panicked instantly.


The only good thing that happened yesterday was breaking Honesty. So I'm at 163/218. Still stuck with so many puzzles and with so little time. I was telling my nudger that I plan to take a few days off just so I could work on my remaining puzzles before thestone ends. Am I OC or what?






"The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present."

-- Hobbes (Calvin and Hobbes)

Nothing is certain in life, except death and TAXES!

ohhh yeah, ben franklin got that right

claiming my ITR (and knowing that the taxes I paid will mostly end up on some corrupt politico's pocket) is probably the most depressing thing next to the news that we will be leaving JG for good. Next week, we're now going to be officially denizens of the PSC's maximum security compound.

if you read Manila Times, you would be horrified to find out that, "As of end-August 2007, the National Government (NG) Outstanding debt was pegged at P3.871 trillion, or US$81.91 billion. The bigger part of this debt was acquired domestically (55.98 percent), with Treasury Bonds debt pegged at P1.55 trillion. This is worse when Mrs. Arroyo acknowledged that the country was suffering from a fiscal crisis. In 2004, National Government debt was P3.81 trillion.
As of mid-2007, the total National Government debt per Filipino is P43,649.57 with each individual coughing P7, 012.12 just to service the debt. "


i will not quote the entire article for i don't want to aggravate you further with the information that,
"From 2001 to 2006, Mrs. Arroyo borrowed a total of P2.83 trillion shaming the total P1.51 trillion combined borrowings of the Aquino, Ramos and Estrada administrations spanning 14 years. "

if that doesn't depress or anger you, i don't know what will. it's as equally depressing as seeing that you paid more than a hundred grand in taxes last year and there is no tax refund.

on the up side (if you could call it as such), someone got creative in proposing tax reform laws. I'm not sure if you've heard of it, but...

apparently our legislators have finally found a way to pay off all our country's debt. As proposed by law, sex (yes, you read it right) will now be taxed.

(1) Upon penetration (VAT - Vaginal Access Tax)
(2) More than 10 minutes inside (Burial Tax)
(3) Upon withdrawal (Exit Tax)
(4) Those who do not have sex life (Idle Tax)
(5) Those who practice withdrawal method of birth control (Withholding Tax)
(6) Entering other than wife (Road Users Tax)


If this is enforced, this might just solve all our national debt problems.




Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." - Russell Long

The longest journey is the journey inward.

February 14

Valentine's Day traffic nearly caused us to miss our bus to Bicol. we attended the service for my mother in greenbelt and the traffic back to pasay was the kind of traffic immortalized in every story about traffics in manila. the bus was suppose to leave at 8:00 pm and we arrived at the station a few minutes after eight, less our coats and my phone charger. it's going to be a cold and long trip.

there's a certain melancholia attached to these trips to naga. a little dose of excitement, a little dose of apprehension, relief and then nostalgia. like coming home but it's not because we no longer live there. we no longer have a house there. our belongings have been scattered with the four winds. my mother would not approve. but when we lost our mom, it seemed we also lost everything else.


February 15

it was a cold trip but it wasn't the long trip i feared. arrived in Naga at 3 bloody 30 am. the earliest i've arrived since time immemorial (trips to bicol usually take more than 8 bloody hours). my brother left the plastic bag with my cute metallic blue shoes (thank goodness it was the old one), slippers and my nephews' new shirts on the bus. we weren't able to retrieve the stuff. may the person who took it suffer from athlete's foot in his/her entire life. amen.

as we boarded the padjak to take us to my aunt's house, my brother told the dirver to take us to magsaysay. i had to tell the driver to take us to osmeña instead because we no longer live in magsaysay. not since my mother passed away. another family is living in that house. in the course of our 4 -day stay there, my brother made the slip twice and i guess in our minds have yet to catch up with the reality we no longer live there.

left for buyo in the afternoon to visit the living and the dead. it has been raining since we arrived early in the morning and still raining in the afternoon and it rained all through out the night. i'm never gonna see the sun until the end of my stay here.

i was freezing during the trip to goa. because of the cold front, the sun has not shined in naga or in goa for that matter. i always take the bus to go there and my hermano knows this. i always like to take these trips after the sun has set. i like travelling with my windows open, no matter how cold. i like to see the fields, the mountains, the road as it is lighted by the bus' headlights. i like to smell the burning dried leaves, sweet and nostalgic.

i like seeing the bus' headlights chase the darkness off the road, the shadows converging again as we move on. the mountains and the fields of palay covered by the dark and intermittently lit by moonlight (when there is one). otherwise the only lights in the distance are the lights from the lamps inside the houses scattered all over the plains but they are often times far apart that they look like glowing yellow stars from the distance.

the wind was unforgivably cold. the kind of coldness that seeped through your bones and reduces you to feeling and thinking about nothing but its coldness. it's no use trying to concentrate about getting warm because there is nothing warm in the wind or the cold seats of the bus. Or the thoughts that ran through my mind. i did not close the window until we got to tigaon when it started to rain again. i wanted to be numbed before i get to my grandmother's house. the less i feel, the better it is for me.

buyo is a sad and happy place for me. the place where everything begun and ended. a trip there at night is always like a slow walk down memory lane. as a rule i never took the van because the windows are always close. i want to feel the wind and the night as it merges with the darkest side of my mind. while the bus negotiates the bumps on the road, i try to make sense of where i am and what lead me to this place.

it's during the hours, the minutes and the seconds on every trip that i go over everything that happened on the past year. everytime i get on a bus, my mind takes this trip. whether i take the bus from manila to naga, from naga to goa, from naga to legaspi - my mind goes on another trip at another time. wherever i am i can't seem to shake it off of me. this melancholy. i can't let go. so i let the melancholia drown me as every thing that happened in the past flashes in front of my eyes like it was just yesterday. whoever said that time heals all wounds...is lying. it's been 9 months and a day and still it feels like it was only yesterday.

it reminded me of another night trip to goa 9 months before, the darkest and saddest trip i ever took with the heaviest heart.

we arrived at the centro of goa at past 7 pm. my uncle was not there to meet us because it was freezing cold to be driving the motorcycle in this rain. so my brother and i hired a tricycle to get us to buyo. since we're going up the south eastern slope of mount isarog, it was colder and we were shaking by the time we got to my grandma's house since there wasn't much in the tricycle that can protect us from the cold. my grandmother scolded us again for arriving that late and taking our chances with such a bleak weather.

dinner was ginataan and adobong manok. then i went to bed and fell promptly asleep.


February 16

visited my mother. i don't remember doing anything else on this day aside from playing with my nephews.

we were suppose to go back to naga in the afternoon but woke up very late and even my brother doesn't feel like returning to naga yet. we ate at my cousin's paternal grandmother's house (the Pan's) because they have laing for lunch and i have not eaten a good laing for some time. then when we returned to my grandmother's house, we ate the fish and the sauteed ampalaya they had for lunch. i was never a fan of ampalaya. life is bitter enough for me.


February 17

returned to naga before lunch. went to san francisco for the mass with my aunts and ukay ukay later. bought myself a cap and pants.

slept the afternoon away and met with my friend love in the evening. spoke with pres over the phone and some plebo he dragged over to seal a bargain. i was assured he walked on 2 legs but apparently the cat got his tongue.


February 18

the last day. it was still raining so i slept the day away and later met with love again and my brother for dinner at bigg's. went back to my aunt's house to pack and left 15 minutes later to take the bus that will take me back to manila.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. - Nelson Mandela

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

feb 8: Webhosting Party 2008

i went to this party not knowing what we were celebrating. it was almost 10 am when i arrived at gerry's grill along ayala. beer and margarita flowed freely. since i have not taken breakfast, i declined the preferred beverage. some were already drunk while the remaining some were already getting there. i was probably the only one who left that party without imbibing anything alcohol. it ended at around 1pm. after that went to the mail with Jade.

my blue shoes was having 'gaping' crisis so i decided it's time to get a back up since i don't have time to make it to mr. quickie to patch it up (that's the excuse i tell myself). unfortunately celine glorietta doesn't have my size but i ask the nice saleslady to check with their other branches and voila, they have my size in rockwell. so i dragged jade over to rockwell to pick up my shoes. and what do you know, they have a silver gray version of the same design and more importantly, they have my size. so there goes my two grand. but they're cute so i shouldn't complain.

feb 14: v********* day

Kix was asking if valentines is spelled with an apostrophe s or what not. i said "i'm sorry i don't celebrate it." haha! kelangan talaga sarcastic.

well this day reminds me of another day i would rather forget. it's an anniversary i wish i never have to celebrate (maybe at a later time but not at this point in my life).

it was a black valentine's day at the office. nearly everyone wore black. but that decision does not necessarily reflect the love lives of everyone who works here. some of us just felt like wearing it (plus i don't own a red shirt).

i'm going home tonight. 8 hours away. i miss my my dog. and i miss my mom. more. whoever said that time heals all wounds...


is lying.





Dance like it hurts, Love like you need money, Work when people are watching. - Scott Adams ( The Way of the Weasel )