You think...

You think you know me but you don't. You never took the time. I own a thousand masks. None of them true. You think you have known me but you never did. You never had the time.

Love is so short. Forgetting is so long.

Bakit di niyo ko naiintindihan.

Hindi ako maglalamay sa puntod niya sa araw ng mga patay. Ginawa ko na yun noon at hindi ko nagustuhan ang aking pakiramdam. Hindi na siya babalik. Vampira lang ang nabubuhay na patay.

Wala na dun si mama. Nasa langit na ang kaluluwa nya. Magpapa-misa na lang ako. Magsisindi ng kandila. Hindi ko siya kinalimutan. Hindi ko siya kinalimutan kahit isang araw o isang saglit simula nang nawala siya. Hindi ko mapigil hanap-hanapin siya. Hindi ko mapigil na isipin siya bago ako matulog, kahit sa panaginip nasa diwa ko pa rin siya (nananaginip na nakaupo sa puntod niya, na nasa ospital, na nasa bahay), at sa pag gising ko sa umaga siya pa rin ang unang sumasagi sa aking isip.


Bakit di niyo ko maintindihan.

Bakit di niyo ako maintindihan na hindi ko ipinagdiriwang na wala na si mama, kaya hindi ko ipinagdiriwang ang araw ng mga patay. Hindi ako natutuwa sa araw na ito. Hin-di a-ko na-tu-tu-wa.

Dahil hindi lang sa araw ng mga patay naaalala ko si mama. Hindi lang sa araw ng kamatayan niya naalala ko si mama. ARAW-ARAW. Naalala. Naiisip. Ginugunita. Hinahanap-hanap. ARAW-ARAW. ORAS-ORAS. MINU-MINUTO simula nang nawala siya. SEGU-SEGUNDO. Dahil nakatali ang mga gunita ko sa kanya.

Alam ko na nasa mabuti na siyang kalagayan. Dapat matuwa ako. Dapat. Pero mahirap matuwa dahil wala na siya. Wala na siya. Kaya di ako natutuwa dahil kelangan niya mawala para hindi na siya nasasaktan.

Oo. Matigas talaga ang ulo ko. Mas matigas ang puso ko. Kelangan kong mag matigas kung hindi guguho ako. Guguho ako na parang mga pader na bumibigay sa lakas ng lindol.

May mga tao siguro na madaling nakakabangon. Madaling tumanggap ng pagkawala. Hindi ako. HINDI ako. Siguro nga sakim talaga ako. Sakim ako dahil gusto ko pa nang limampung taon pa na kasama siya. Nang marami pang panahon na tumawa, umiyak, kumain,at maglakbay na kasama siya. Pero kelangan ng langit ng anghel at siya ang una sa pila.

Sa araw na 'to mas gusto ko kasama ang mga buhay... na Malayo sa sementeryo. Lalayo ako.



"When we lose the one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough." - Maurice Maeterlinck

"The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides."

If you constantly seek perfection, you will never be happy. You will be constantly looking for flaws in everyone and everything. Nobody is perfect. Nothing in this world is. You will never be satisfied here. But dying is one way of meeting Perfection Himself.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

coming soona t theaters near you!

*barrel of laughs from someone who got so darned good with photoshop hahaha!

what is up with you?

well, this has been what's 'up' with me...

i finally have Internet connection at home (hello bato and onemanga).

i'm teaching at a university here (economics and statistics - the last one is giving me nosebleed no matter the incentive). teaching is just like studying. had i though to f that before i made the plunge, it would have made all the difference... i'd still be stuck doing research. and my students.... help me God...

i believe i am getting infamous for being such a terror teacher (and i'm too young to step into the shoes of miss tapia, really). i was telling popin that my new theme song is gives you hell by the all american rejects...

"when you see my face hope it gives you hell hope it gives you hell;
when you walk my walk hope it gives you hell hope it gives you hell."

very apt...

i am a student again. i'm on a bridging class for my MIT and i'm having serious thoughts (real serious) about ever passing it. programming is so darned tough no matter how many times they tell me it's all about logic... i need a B+ on my C++ course but now thati'm thinking about it, just getting a C is helluva hard already what more of getting a B+!

i don't think i've used my brain this much. hmm...
it's overused and over utilized. it's filled to capacity. too much information is causing it to stall and shut down. i need an extra 400Gb of HDD, an extra 8GB memory... and a quadcore processor to make the processes run faster...



The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost

He who is dying of hunger must be fed rather than taught. - St. Thomas Aquinas

i was in nato last Friday and Saturday with my bosses. our group was conducting a focus group discussion (fgd) on gender and development with mothers and teachers in the barangay. we were suppose to head to Atulayan island the next day for another fgd but because of bad weather we had to cancel.

this fgd was probably the root of that outburst yesterday... hmmm....

it's depressing work... i know you're not suppose to take it home but it's hard to not to think about it. you learn things that now that you know about it, you'd rather not have known. now i know why there are many cynics here in research.

nato is a coastal/fishing barangay in the municipality of Sagñay. it has great beaches. like any other fishing community, it is plagued by one problem on top of the another. poverty, hunger, malnutrition... the usual group. but life goes on and the people make do with what they can.

the most depressed area according to the residents is la purisima. some settlers in this area came from parts of albay like misibis, tiwi, etc. we never made it to la purisima but the older residents refer to it as the squatter's area of the barangay. shanties right next after the other. problems with teenage pregnancies, couples as young as 13 or 14 already living together having kids more than they can afford to feed (most have more than 5 kids). infant mortality is alarming. one mom lost 4 babies aged between 2-8 months.

some of the teachers we interviewed said that the barangay doesn't lack educational facilities. although some of their students' desks are.... well never mind. it's not their fault.

their barangay has a daycare center, elementary, high school and a community college. but there are parents who cannot afford to send their children to school. kids as young as grade 2 and 3 help their parents earn money. those who are too young to fish, go around the village selling fish. teachers said that absenteeism is rampant especially during lean months when there is little fish caught. kaldero's (pots) with cooked rice disappear never to be seen again.

kids going to school on an empty stomach is common. no dinner the night before and no breakfast to be had before going to school the next day. so the teachers said they solicited funds to feed about 20 students from poor families so that these kids can continue going to school. if they go to school they get to eat.

there is a story that after a severe storm, the governor once gave the residents roofs (made of galvanized iron sheets) for their houses. since fishing is seasonal, there are times when there is very little fish caught to feed the entire family. when hard times came, queues of people were seen carrying those same sheets to the centro to sell their roofs. after all, what good is a roof if one is about to pass out from hunger?

the stories are told in such a funny humorous way, that at the same time i laugh while i cringe inside. these people are caught in such a vicious cycle. that whatver that happened to the father and the mother may well be the very fate of their sons and daughters. it's sad to always end up where you've begun.


After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done. - Unknown

familiarity breeds contempt... and the road to hell is paved with well-intentioned golf balls

after an interrupted ym conversation with jade, i realized that may mga hassle nga naman ang New Testament. sana hindi ako tamaan ng kidlat dito pero...

dapat may mga moments na pwede namang i justify ang an "eye for an eye and an ipin for an ipin" no? pag binato ka ng hollow block, babatuhin mo ba ng tinapay?? i guess it depends on several factors (ceteris paribus, lalo na ang factor na di ka sana napuruhan dun sa binatong hollow block):

a.) malapit ka ba sa panaderia
b.) masarap ba yung tinapay? (sayang eh... a tasty tinapay is hard to come by lalo na paglibre)
c.) singtigas ba ng bato ang tinapay (if yes, kebs na, proceed with the throwing...)
d.) mabilis ka bang umilag at tumakbo (importante to, mahal ang mag pa ospital).

hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ako mag isip. hindi naman ako pinalaki ng ganito ng mama ko. hay... bakit ang hirap magpakabait sa panahon na'to.

tulad ng... bakit hindi ko makumbinsi ang sarili ko na magsimba. ang lagi kong binibigay na rason sa aking tita ay ang panget magsermon ng mga pari dito sa naga. hahaha! turuan ba magsermon ang pari. pero hindi ako matamaan. o kung matamaan man hindi ito sapat para ako ay tumakbo at magbalik sa simbahan. sabihin na natin na para pa rin akong naglalakad sa buwan.

hindi naman sa tinalikuran ko na at hindi ako naniniwala sa Dios, may lq lang kami. disillusioned lang ako - parang magdalo. pero hindi naman ako mag aalsa o magku coup d'etat. i'm just thinking out loud.

on the upside, kung matatawag man itong as such, buti na rin lang siguro at ito ang kinalakihan ko na relihiyon. dahil kung ako ay napunta sa iba, baka matagal na akong itinumba. kahit papano nagpapasalamat pa rin ako at nagkaroon ng Vatican II.

hindi ko mawari kung kelan nagsimula... at kung sinong ahas ang nagbigay sakin ng mansanas na nagmulat sakin sa mga tunay na realidad. the death of innocence heralds the birth of a cynic. siguro ganun talaga. hindi rin ganun kataas ang pagtingin ko sa mga pari (pulis at kung sinu sino pang nakaluklok diyan sa taas). para na rin kasing mga politico kung umasta. halos wala na akong makitang pagkakaiba.

habang tumatagal ako dito sa mundo, mas lumalawak ang pagkadismaya ko.

bakit ang simpleng maniwala sa milagro nung bata pa ako? sana nanatili na lamang akong bata at hindi na lang ako lumaki, para hindi na nasira ang tiwala ko sa tao. lalo na sa mga taong akala ko ay kakampi ko. ang hirap makakuha ng kakampi dito sa mundo. kahit kapamilya mo pwedeng magbago. pano pa kaya ang ibang tao na hindi mo kaano ano? hindi ka pa nga nakatalikod ng todo, inuulan na ng saksak ang likod mo.

mahirap magpakabait... dahil ang daming nang aabuso. at bakit din halos lahat ng mababait ang mga unang kinukuha ni Lord no? unfair! kaya siguro di ko makuhang magpakabait. medyo over the top ang incentive. ang dami tuloy nagliliparang masamang damo kasi high na lahat ng kabayo...

Eto pa, kaninang tanghali habang sinasabayan kong lumamon ang pinsan ko, naisip ko rin na...

It's easier to gain weight than gain money. Pero... it's easier to lose money than to lose weight! Takte namang buhay to.........



The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis. - Dante Alighieri
(lagot!)