end of the rope

i told the guy who answered the phone that i won't be reporting for work because of a migraine. well i do have a headache. i just found myself crying last saturday and i couldn't seem to stop.

i watched the japanese film fest with jade and my brother last 22nd. "inochi" i don't know what the title meant. japanese drama. but i was more used to watching anime. a pregnant woman who wanted to abort the child whose ex-boyfriend was dying of lung and liver cancer. a very odd thing, she felt a connection between the child and the cancer that's slowly killing the guy.

it probably brought on that bout of melancholia last saturday that i haven't been able to shake off this week. i remember thinking that my mom never lost her hair. she never got chemo. she lived for approximately 1 year, 1 month and 13 days from the time she was diagnosed. she got so thin. the ex-boyfriend doesn't look as emaciated as my mom. she lost her ability to walk. the ex-boyfriend can still stand and walk on his own. her cancer moved on to her lungs. the ex-boyfriend's cancer moved up his esophagus until he couldn't eat. in the end he died because he couldn't eat anymore. in the end my mom died because she couldn't breathe anymore not even with the ventilator. in the end my mom died because she couldn't eat anymore because of the ventilator. if we fed her she might only choke. but she died anyway.

the day after my mom died, the movies ( pirated dvd)'s -> looks like ) shown on the bus my sister and i boarded on to bicol were all about death. white noise and other tear jerkers i don't know what their titles were. i forced myself to sleep and wished the bus would more faster. but it didn't. it's always late and we're too late. nothing ever goes right just when you needed everything to go right.

anything that can go wrong will go wrong. murphy's law.


and everything's wrong.


i'm sad.


how does one go about being happy when there are too many dark clouds?



my brother sent me an sms last thursday. how depressing it is living in his boarding house. he couldn't stop thinking about Mama. so i didn't go home immediately after my shift. i stayed until 5pm. until i'm sure the only thing left to do when i get home is sleep. because i don't want to think. i don' want to miss my mom. i don't want to cry myself to sleep. the way i've been doing these past few weeks.

i washed my laundry on friday. to soak my blues away but they're more like permanent stains. i'm still not over my blackmood on saturday. i cried until my head aches and my eyes were too puffy and i couldn't see anything clearly. and then i called FD and told them i had a migraine. then i laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. when i woke up on sunday i decided i really should resign.

i don't feel like working anymore. i have lost the drive. i have endured doing this job for so long because i had a reason to. but now i have no reason to stay but so many reasons to leave.



I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. - JD Salinger