a walk in atheism

if i hate You, will You hate me back?
if i forget You, will You erase me from your memory?
if i walk away from You, will You come after me?

i don't want to believe in You.
You failed me.
You lied to me.
were You ever there beside me?
You said You are,
i have Prayed...desperately
but i don't feel You here.
have You abandoned me?
gave up on me?
they said You're not that type.
but where are You?

my voice is hoarse from calling out.
damn You...
i am on my knees,
i am begging...
for a little bit of mercy.
my heart hurts.
stop it.
stop it now.
must you squeeze it?
until it's drained of life, of love
until it's blue and black.
until nothing remains but pure pain,
and an all consuming hate.

do You like me to suffer?
watch me watch her suffer?!
Perve...
if You're going to take her away,
why take her this way?
why hurt us all?
if You're all powerful, take It away.
make It go away.

i want to hate You.
i don't want to believe in You.
i want to turn my back on You.
i want to despair.but you made me like this...
a fool...
who will continue to hope.
but if i lose her, will i ever forgive you?
will i cross over to that which has always beckoned to me
Your greatest foe, Darkness.
that which has fueled my Anger, my Resentment, my Loathing, my Despair, my Doubt
i will live and breathe hell on earth
destroy myself...Your vessel.
a sacrilege.

this is my day of blasphemy.
the day i lost Faith and entertained Doubt.
welcomed Despair and let go of Hope.
embraced Darkness and closed my eyes to block out Light.
This is my Fall.
But
will you disown me because of what my tortured soul has told my hands to write?