i thought about taking a leave. but i think too much. i might kill myself agonizing over the what-ifs if i stayed home. so i decided that taking supe calls from annoyed customers is the lesser evil.
but i still want her back. nothing is ever the same without her. 7months of just drifting on an endless sea, a boat tossed about by waves with nowhere to anchor, no lighthouse. 7 grey months that would drag on to more grey months.
after she was gone, i stopped caring about living. i was preoccupied with death. all consuming doubt. all consuming hate. i hated living when there is nothing to look forward to. no home to go to. no fallback. no one to comfort you when you're down. no one to pick you up when you hit rock bottom. i hated to be alive when she is dead. i don't want to live.
i hated God. for letting it happen. for every painful thing she went through. for every pain we went through. for every thing we would miss about her - light, love, touch. for everything we lost when we lost her.
there is no christmas for me. we don't look forward to it. my brother doesn't want to celebrate it. because it's so weird to celebrate it without her. i have stopped believing in santa claus a long time ago. maybe i should stop believing in You too.
i don't want to believe. there are no miracles in this world for me. just misery. i hate it when You play favorites. so i lost it. just lost it. i harnessed that anger and turned it into a fury that ate everything that continued to want to believe. i want to stop believing because You failed me. so stuff Yourself somewhere the sun don't shine.
but i know i am not the first on this boat. You have surely heard the same complaints before. same rants, it's no news to You. so my being angry wouldn't have put a dent on your day. just on mine and the rest of the people who would have to put up with me. being bitch. growing bitchier.
but i was born, bred and raised Catholic. i may have gone through st. Aquinas' summa theologica because of some stupid debate. but i hate what i know. i hate what my brain refused to forget. i've been indoctrinated to know enough that pretending You don't exist doesn't mean You don't exist. there are some things that even science can't explain. You don't change just because i changed my opinion of You. You will still be there even when i am not. i hate losing especially against my own logic.
i don't want to love. because i don't want to hurt like this ever again. i don't want to go through this e-v-e-r again. love doesn't make everything better. somethings but not this. love is such a bitch when you are the one left to grieve. loss is paralyzing. love is so short, forgetting is so long.
but yesterday was her birthday. i may be mad at You but she taught me good. she believed in You. so i set aside my anger for the day. we may not see each other eye to eye these days, but there are a lot of things that i would do for her. 6 feet under or not.
so shoty and i met at greenbelt for the mass. i would have made it through the day - no breaking down, no tears; but the priest invited the celebrants to come forward for the birthday blessing. but mama, you have gone ahead. months ago. somewhere blessed.
she would have been 57 yesterday.
Happy Birthday
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
--- Tonight I can write by Pablo Neruda
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