december 25, 2k6: christmas

this was how my christmas was (mis)spent:


i reported for my 8.30pm shift on the night of the 24th. at the end of my shift, i had to put in an over time because i forgot to ring jade earlier so he could come early. however my siblings, my cousin and i still managed to arrive before 9am at the bus station.

we arrived in naga past 10PM. it's so hard to believe we got to naga all in one piece save for our sore butts. the bus which came from cubao was delayed for more than an hour. then some hag tried to take my brother and my cousin's seats. the argument delayed us for another good hour! i had to tell her that i've booked those seats since the 16th. she refused to back down so my sister (who is b*tch*er than I am) told the conductor to settle it or get the manager. some woman from the philtranco office came on the bus. she told everyone without any tickets to leave their seats while they try to give seats to those who had tickets first some guy at the front was muttering how the 'sampids' shouldn't be on that bus at all. i'd ike to tell the s.o.b. that we are not 'sampids' here. after all we got here first! and we have our tickets.sh*t i did not pay for gold service for this kind of lousy service. and it's L_O_U_S_Y! the woman from the bus company took the seats from the lady with two kids who sat in front of my brother's. the woman with the kids was of course furious. she argued that she shouldn't have been allowed to board if they knew that other people from another bus were going to be transferred to ours. as i have said before L-O-U-S-Y service! so when everyone who had tickets were seated and those who haven't got evicted or chose to seat themselves at the steps by the door. we finally got moving. and that ticket incident took another hour. so instead of leaving at 9am as we were supposed to we left at around 11am. bloody hell...

when the conductor started collecting our tickets, we learned that the woman who wanted to take my brother and my cousin's seat boarded the wrong bus. susariosep! so the conductor asked her to pay extra because shes not suppose to be on the gold service bus but on regular A/C. i wanted to throw my cute sandals at her but i held back. i settled for throttling her neck, in my mind. i had difficulty procuring them and the b*tch is not worth it and to think she was asking my brother and cousin to give up one of their seats - well we did not pay for two seats so one would stand up for the rest og the trip, duh! and the man who was muttering sampid doesnt have any tickets at all. and he had the gall! what an s.o.b.! no way am i gonna let my brother or my cousin stand up on that trip. and it is an eight hour trip that took 12 hours. thanks to a busted tire while we were on top of the mountains in atimonan ( i think) which delayed us for another hour! all i know is it was quezon still because i usually lose cellphone signal while passing through some areas in quezon.

there wasn't much sun in those areas. below the ravine, i could barely make out the trees and to think that it was past 3pm! it's so foggy down there. the trees are either bereft of leaves or had only leaves on one side. that tells you where the wind was blowing. most of the coconuts i saw had leaves only on one side. if i didn't know how bad the typhoon was i would have laugh. i dread seeing what naga would like.

we arrived at home past 10pm. i was ravenous and uber tired. oh my goodness that was the longest trip of my life. alright so maybe not. i went to my uncle's wedding in butuan but that trip was a far more pleasant experience and to think that naga is nearer to manila than butuan will ever be. our parents were very worried of course. but we told mom, we winged it so no need to fret over spilled beer.

i was shocked to see my mom. she was thinner. bone thin. oh my god i wanted to kick myself in the shins! i gaped i'm sure. that must've hurt her. but i could not cope. i wanted to hug her but i'm afraid i will crush her bones or hurt her. oh my god! i can't believe it was just a couple of months since i last saw her. it was jsut in october. i just wanted to weep. she lost so much weight. i don't ever want to leave but i know i woud have to. this is the worst christmas for me. i don't even know what or how it should be. i just felt ike i received a blow to my head and i just went numb. i wanted to say f*ck Y**! it's so g*ddamned frustrating.

she said she coudn't eat much. she couldn't hold the food. she throws them up sometimes. i asked her if hte pain is so bad. she said it's not but my brother and i know better. she couldn't sleep at all when the pain is at it's worst, which is like every second, every minute, every hour of every day and every g*ddamned night. i couldn't even hug her tight because it hurts. i really hate You! f*ck You! i hope you have a great Day because i didn't and i don't think i ever will. thanks for this christmas present. you might as well have wrapped it in chicken wire. so my hands would bleed while i unwrap it. anything to make you happy... d*mn Y**!

i am enraged. every time i awake in the middle of the night or early in the morning. it doesnt matter if it's 1am, 2am or 3am or 4am. everytime i hear her whimpering, everytime she sheds a tear because she is in pain, i curse You. i hate You. i loathe You. I despise You with every cell, every nerve, every fiber of my being. f*ck Y**! that's for letting her down for letting me down.

every night as i lay beside her, i will always watch out for that sound. i will always be wondering whether she's in pain because she's so good in hiding it. when i go back to manila, i will always lay awake wondering who's giving her back rub. is she eating right. she like's it when i give her a massage. she said she can almost feel her arms and her legs agan. that the humbness is gone i want to banish it all for you mom. but i can't. it seems that NO one can. not even these tears, so hot on my face can alleviate any pain you are suffering now. i let you down Ma. i'm sorry.

when you broke down on the 26th because andrie couldn't stop staring at you. i was crying too.
he's just seven. i know he couldn't reconcile the you that he knew when you could walk and take him to the places little kids go to. i couldn't reconcile it too. everytime i think of the past, my eyes burn, my throat constrict and i have to stop myself from crying out. from lashing out at anyone, at anything. at this point, i am beyond caring.

every time you tell me how useless you felt because you can't do the things you used to; how depressed you sound from seeing yourself now, all skin and bones, i had to bite the inside of my cheeks and tell you it's alright. but knowing it is not... i feel so weak. i just want to hide, breakdown and cry... it's all i want to do these days. i will spend the holidays crying when you are not looking. but i will tell you stories, happy stories before you go to sleep. i will rub your back and massage your arms and legs until you can feel them again. i will kiss you because i couldn't hug you like i want to.

but everytime you are not looking and everynight when i think you have fallen asleep, i will let this dam break loose.


wo ai ni mama...