the plate didn't just break, it shattered.

shattered into irreparably smaller pieces. blatantly telling me i can never make it whole again. no glue or epoxy would ever make it whole again. the shards were behind me, in front of me, beneath my bare feet as i stepped over it. i winced at the sharp jabs but my feet did not bleed. i stared at the food that now mixed with the broken pieces of the plate. that too is wasted.

i could almost hear the displeasure in my mother's voice. i felt her heart break. i was asking for a sign and this was it. and i thought correll plates don't break easily.


i'm not keeping it together mom. i don't know how. i told you when i dreamt of you last night. hindi ko na kaya Mama. you hugged me and then i woke up crying again. you were standing in my kitchen where i broke the plate. there was a praying mantis and i remember telling it: diwit, diwit hain ang langit? sana marahay si mama. you said you never wanted to leave. you never asked for this... i know. it's just so hard... you not being here.

the past and present collide in my dreams. last august 14 i woke up disoriented. i thought i was in our old apartment in naga. i dreamt we were there - you, me and jack. you didn't pay any attention to the two of us. you just walked into the house. i remember telling jack in my dream, Mama's here. but we know you're dead. we called out to you but you ignored us. and then i woke up. confused. i thought i was in naga. lying in our old cot in the sala. i thought it was you standing in front of me but then it dawned on me i am in manila and you're dead. it was the mirror with the bathrobe thrown over it being blown by the fan. it was still dark outside but i couldn't sleep again.

it's been 3 months since you've been gone and i can't seem to stop the counting the hours, the days the weeks, the months...

then last august 18 i was back in that dream. in the old apartment. i was wearing clothes you bought for me, the maroon spaghetti top and the black shorts. funny how i can recall these things. but in that dream i was the one dying because i took a pill that would slowly kill me. some sort of experiment that had irreversible consequences. you walked into the house and you said, " You look so happy. You must really want to die." And suddenly i know i didn't want to because i don't want to leave you. i hugged you and i cried. i don't want to die.

it was past 3 in the afternoon and i woke up crying. i remember the last time i cried like that in your arms. it was on your hospital bed. the first time you were brought to the hospital. it was january. it was right after i saw the bruises and the needle marks. after the nurse that took your blood pressure and checked the dextrose had left. i remember climbing into bed with you and i just cried. cried on your shoulder. i have never felt so helpless in my life. i was trying to hold on to you but you were slowly slipping away. you were telling me to take care of papa, of jack and shoty. and i didn't want to listen to you talking like that because i don't want you die yet. you told me that there's nothing that we can do about it. sabi mo hanggang dito na lang talaga. you sounded so tired but i know you held on because of us.

i know what you were trying to tell me in these dreams. it's just hard. not being able to see you or touch you ever again. nothing is ever the same Mama.


i can't hold them together anymore.






Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories


---
I Will Remember You
Sarah McLachlan