there is an ungrateful and self-centered part of me that can't forgive mama for dying. not that mama had any choice in the matter (of dying) but it's there. i felt like i've been robbed.
but mostly there's guilt... and anger. a lot of it directed at myself. i've always wanted to resign, i felt like mama died just so i could do it. it seems that her death gave birth to this other side of me. or maybe it's always been there.
i feel like i am two persons fighting for existence for this one body. i've always been a responsible daughter. didn't really get into much trouble. but after she died, i felt this compulsion to be reckless, unreasonable, irresponsible, and dangerous. an immense propensity to self-destruct. all the self-directed anger and this guilt weighing heavily on my shoulders had to have some sort of outlet. i wanted others in my family to hurt the way i am hurting; and if those other than my family gets affected, it's collateral damage.
obviously i did not inherit mama's gentler nature. of the 3 of us, it's my brother who inherited it while my sister and i turned out be bitches. shobe is more practical. she deals with emotions the same way she spends her money. once it's spent, it's gone. but i seem to have a well of it. it's always half full so when the storm comes, i rage.
one of my friends asked me once which would be a lot easier, "losing you mother because she died or losing her because she left you and you do not know why?" it hurts either way but losing her for the second reason will most probably scar me the most. if only because she had the choice to stay but she didn't.
people tell me it gets easier with time. but it doesn't. but i tell them what they wanted to hear anyway. the pain never really lessened, more like you find other ways to numb yourself to it. ways to never be that susceptible to that kind of hurt again. you learn to build forts.
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