spoke with my mom the other day. she told me she thought the house was going to burn down. my father left to buy something from the store and left her alone. the stove was on since my father was boiling something. he thought he was going to come back soon. but all the water had evaporated and soon my mom can smell something burning.

my mom is paralyzed from waist down. she was seated near the window and had to beg a young man who passed by to turn the stove off. good thing someone passed by. good thing she was near the window. our streets are usually deserted on weekdays because most of the people in the neighborhood are off to work, and the kids have gone to school.

my father arrived 30 minutes later. it's these things i get scared of. i wanted to berate my father for being so inconsiderate. it made her feel more sorry for herself. she couldn't run even if she wanted to. getting her aggravated worsens her condition because she has difficulty breathing and we have to put her on oxygen. if no one had passed by, i hate to think of what could have happened. my brother told me that when he arrived that night, my mom was almost in tears about what had happened. i asked my mom if it's any one of our nearby neighbors but she doesn't think so. the young man just happened to pass by. she told me that he told her to be careful, the month of march being the "fiery month."

i told her we'd get her a wheelchair. a few months ago no one would've ever thought she would need it. i still wish she would be able to walk again...someday.


--"Contrary to popular belief, time can't heal the deepest wounds. And wisdom is a slave to pain." - Methos

yesterday sucks...
i hate it when servers don't do what they're suppose to do.

i felt like i took a physical beating from all those irate callers.
crap.

i didn't even want to wake up today.
i had to drag my feet to work.

i need a diversion.
but my proxy doesn't work.
i can't play because thestone.com is blocked...

wtf.

Unsent: Christmas Card

january 18, 2007

Dearest Eves,

How are you amiga? It has been a long time since I've picked up a pen and wrote you. Maybe because I've never been stuck in a hospital for 4 days with so much time on my hands and yet in reality I have so little. I have to keep busy or go mad.

Every second that ticks by reminds me of why I hate hospitals. This place is huge but it's suffocating - these stark white walls, nurses in white, stoic doctors, the smell of disinfectant, the sounds made by the sick... I could go on and on. Every minute that passes by seems to mock me - I am running out of time. I still have so many things to do and a lot of things I wish to say. Every hour that goes by is an agony...another battle lost...another defeat from an enemy I could never outpace or outsmart.

I meant to reply to the christmas card you sent to me. I wanted to say Thank You for remembering even when I have neglected you. I know you can count on your 5 fingers the letters I sent you last year. They were very far and very few. I am such an Ass. You never forgot and here I am only writing you now.. but what are the chances this paper will end on the mail? Like the rest it will probably end up on my drawer...or maybe crumpled in the trash like what happened to the rest. I am writing this on a pink tablet paper. The paper used by my hermano for his notes.

I don't like writing you like this but what is there to tell. My grief seems to spill from pen to paper. I cannot contain it. I don't want anyone infected. If it's a poison to me then I don't want to infect the rest. I don't know what possess me to write you know. Maybe you can find an antidote for me.

As you might have guessed, 2006 was not the best year for me (an understatement...heck it was Crap... and even that is an even greater understatement too). From the look of how 2007 started, it is going down the drain as well faster than last year's.

As you may have deduced from my grumblings, my mom has not been well. She hasn't been for some time, but this is the first time she got confined to a hospital. She had difficulty breathing last Sunday. So she was rushed to the hospital where she received a blood transfusion because she had a very low hemoglobin count (she and my hermano have the same blood type) and was hooked up to an oxygen tank.

I arrived at the hospital on Monday night around 10pm. I think I left Manila past 11am. I haven't eaten nor gotten any sleep yet since I came from work the night before. I dozed all the way to Naga. The bus was so crowded, I had to sit at the back. The bus conductor had to wake me up to tell me to get off the bus or else I end up all the way to Ormoc, Leyte where the bus is headed. My hermano and uncle had to pick me up because I was so disoriented.

When I arrived at the hospital, I saw my father conversing with one of my mom's doctors. I went to my mom's room immediately and found her sleeping. She had difficulty breathing even in her sleep. It was painful to watch her, every painful gasp is like a jab to my heart. I never thought I would see my mother like this. I wanted to cry then but I was so tired and half numbed. I could only stare and despair. The image of her before me - so frail, so vulnerable - it was extremely heartbreaking. I wanted to be elsewhere but I can't leave. It felt so unreal. I wish it was somebody else on that bed not my mom. I had to stop myself from biting my lips before it bleeds again so I settled for biting my inner cheeks.

The doctor called me. He wanted to talk. I replaced my father and dragged my hermano with me. He wanted to know what are our plans, the expectations we have. Prognosis is not good (honestly I couldn't recall it ever been good). Basically what he's trying to say is: "there is nothing they can do." He suspects that the disease has spread on to her bones (that is why her right leg is paralyzed) and to her lungs (she has difficulty breathing). He would need to run some tests tomorrow to confirm how far it has gone. He asked me if I want to put my mom on ICU if suddenly her heart fails or her lungs fail. Of course I said yes. I don't know what he expected me to say. But what I wanted to say was that it is a ridiculous question. I won't let her go without a fight. He said a lot of things too but they barely registered on my tired brain. I just wanted to crawl somewhere far, dark and safe. I don't ever want to feel again. I wanted to die on that spot. I want the earth to open up and swallow me. I don't want to listen to his calm voice explain to me why they can only do this and not that; why she's never going to get well. I wanted to cry but I held on to my tears. I don't want to cry in front of him. I wanted to tell him screw you, but I held my tongue. After all, it's not like it's his fault we're here.

I cant' recall what my responses where. I only know they were very few because I had nothing to say. He was just giving me the cold hard facts. I know he wanted to say some more but something probably on my expression held him back. I agree to think about whatever it was I agreed to think about and we'll talk again tomorrow. That's how my first night went. That was my breakfast, my lunch and my dinner. Even if I wanted to throw up, I couldn't because there was nothing but bile in my stomach.

I went home past 1AM. I went back to the hospital in the morning. I've been here ever since. The doctor and I have spoken several times. He makes his round in the morning and then late at night. The lab results confirmed it has spread on to the lungs. They're not sure if it has gone on to the bones, he said he would need another CT scan. But I won't subject my mother another to torture. Her wound bled after the lab tests. I can tell she was in so much pain. The CT scan require she lie in a supine position. She can't do that anymore because she can't breathe if she lies that way. She sleeps sitting up. I think we already know. A CT scan would just confirm our worst fear. I don't want to feel any worst than I do now.

The doctor told me she has water on her lungs, that is why she can't breath well. Normally they drain it using a big needle, but since she's too weak for it and inserting a needle would probably cause the disease to spread faster. He would give her some antibiotics but of course that doesn't actually cure her. Eventually she's gonna get worse. She would have a harder time breathing because the disease has spread on to her lungs. It would probably spread up to her brain. That made my heart stopped beating for a moment. He said we have to be prepared. He told me that some people who have lung cancer are given 3- 6 months. But sometimes those who have breast cancer fared better, they sometimes live longer even if it has spread to other organs. But then it could be shorter. I don't kow if he was humoring me. After all the grim possibilities he enumerated, he's telling me something else. I think he was just trying to make us all feel better. But I feel worse. Just hearing him say it is enough to make me want to scream in frustration. So this is the death sentence. This is how long we've got her. Time would not stop still. It never did. Only a miracle would put an end to it, but none has been forthcoming. There is no silver lining at the end of this dark cloud - only more rain, more thunder, more lightning. No rainbow. Nothing. He wanted to know our expectations (again)...I don't know what to say... After all, what he just laid out to me makes everything in my future look bleak.

I told him we plan to take her home as soon as she is stable. We would get her an oxygen tank. If what happened on Sunday happens again, we will bring her back to the hospital. She is my mother, I have to try.

Last Wednesday, I spent the entire day lying on the hospital bed with my mom but made myself scarce that night. I don't want to see the doctor again. He's very nice compared to the other doctors but our conversations are very traumatizing. Often times I wanted to say something cheeky but held myself back. The doctor who diagnosed her illness was such a Bitch. She was the reason my mom wouldn't even consider chemotherapy. She cares for nothing but money. Unfortunately she's the only oncologist in Naga. I wanted to tell one of my cousins to go to Medical school and specialize in oncology, just so she would have competition. If I could I would, just to spite her. Bitch...

My hermano was so traumatize by the experience of talking to her that he told me he was unable to sleep nor eat well for the next few weeks. He could barely taste what he is eating. He told me he can't believe she's a doctor, maybe she failed psychology...

That night, out of the blue my brother remarked that mom has always made sacrifices for us. We both fell silent. She would wake up early every morning at 4.30 without fail and would be washing our clothes. By the time we get up, she's half done. Breakfast would be on the table. Our lunch would also be prepared by then, ready to be eaten when we get home from school for lunch. Each of us would have our own glass of milk. Ever since I was little I would always wake up to a glass of milk on the table, on my own mug. She bought each of us our own mugs. We never drink on someone else's mug. By 7 o'clock she would be on her way to her office. My brother stood up and left. I sat there and wept.

All those sacrifices, made her like this. I feel guilty, I wished I had helped her more, wake up early to do laundry. She would dismissed it and say we have to go to school. She did it because she wanted to. I can't help but cry. You are so good Mama. I don't understand why this has to happen to you. She would despair she can't do work anymore, not even to sweep the floor or bathe herself. She spend her days sitting on her bed. I told her it is time we serve you mom. I still can't bear to see her crying.

Today, a nurse took another blood sample. There was no place on both of her arms where she can draw blood because almost every place have been pierced, so the nurse drew it from her left hand. The spot where her needle went through swelled. I looked at the places where the needles pierced through her skin, they were covered in bruises some bigger than a Php 10 coin. I could not stop the tears that fell hotly down my face. I buried my head on my mom's shoulder and wept like a baby. She rubbed my arms and held my hands all the while. She said that is how life is. I don't find that comforting...

january 19, 2007

I will be going back to manila tonight. I hope I don't cry when I leave tonight. I don't want to depress my mom any further. If I cry, I know she will cry too. She will be going out of the hospital tomorrow after a surgeon checks her wound. She would count days on her bed.

I will go back to the rat race and play my role...

january 22, 2007

The pink pages never met the envelope. Maybe when I'm braver I will write the words in ink...

If you're reading this, then I had enough courage to push the publish button...

still down under,

V.

"Contrary to popular belief, time can't heal the deepest wounds. And wisdom is a slave to pain."- Methos

december 25, 2k6: christmas

this was how my christmas was (mis)spent:


i reported for my 8.30pm shift on the night of the 24th. at the end of my shift, i had to put in an over time because i forgot to ring jade earlier so he could come early. however my siblings, my cousin and i still managed to arrive before 9am at the bus station.

we arrived in naga past 10PM. it's so hard to believe we got to naga all in one piece save for our sore butts. the bus which came from cubao was delayed for more than an hour. then some hag tried to take my brother and my cousin's seats. the argument delayed us for another good hour! i had to tell her that i've booked those seats since the 16th. she refused to back down so my sister (who is b*tch*er than I am) told the conductor to settle it or get the manager. some woman from the philtranco office came on the bus. she told everyone without any tickets to leave their seats while they try to give seats to those who had tickets first some guy at the front was muttering how the 'sampids' shouldn't be on that bus at all. i'd ike to tell the s.o.b. that we are not 'sampids' here. after all we got here first! and we have our tickets.sh*t i did not pay for gold service for this kind of lousy service. and it's L_O_U_S_Y! the woman from the bus company took the seats from the lady with two kids who sat in front of my brother's. the woman with the kids was of course furious. she argued that she shouldn't have been allowed to board if they knew that other people from another bus were going to be transferred to ours. as i have said before L-O-U-S-Y service! so when everyone who had tickets were seated and those who haven't got evicted or chose to seat themselves at the steps by the door. we finally got moving. and that ticket incident took another hour. so instead of leaving at 9am as we were supposed to we left at around 11am. bloody hell...

when the conductor started collecting our tickets, we learned that the woman who wanted to take my brother and my cousin's seat boarded the wrong bus. susariosep! so the conductor asked her to pay extra because shes not suppose to be on the gold service bus but on regular A/C. i wanted to throw my cute sandals at her but i held back. i settled for throttling her neck, in my mind. i had difficulty procuring them and the b*tch is not worth it and to think she was asking my brother and cousin to give up one of their seats - well we did not pay for two seats so one would stand up for the rest og the trip, duh! and the man who was muttering sampid doesnt have any tickets at all. and he had the gall! what an s.o.b.! no way am i gonna let my brother or my cousin stand up on that trip. and it is an eight hour trip that took 12 hours. thanks to a busted tire while we were on top of the mountains in atimonan ( i think) which delayed us for another hour! all i know is it was quezon still because i usually lose cellphone signal while passing through some areas in quezon.

there wasn't much sun in those areas. below the ravine, i could barely make out the trees and to think that it was past 3pm! it's so foggy down there. the trees are either bereft of leaves or had only leaves on one side. that tells you where the wind was blowing. most of the coconuts i saw had leaves only on one side. if i didn't know how bad the typhoon was i would have laugh. i dread seeing what naga would like.

we arrived at home past 10pm. i was ravenous and uber tired. oh my goodness that was the longest trip of my life. alright so maybe not. i went to my uncle's wedding in butuan but that trip was a far more pleasant experience and to think that naga is nearer to manila than butuan will ever be. our parents were very worried of course. but we told mom, we winged it so no need to fret over spilled beer.

i was shocked to see my mom. she was thinner. bone thin. oh my god i wanted to kick myself in the shins! i gaped i'm sure. that must've hurt her. but i could not cope. i wanted to hug her but i'm afraid i will crush her bones or hurt her. oh my god! i can't believe it was just a couple of months since i last saw her. it was jsut in october. i just wanted to weep. she lost so much weight. i don't ever want to leave but i know i woud have to. this is the worst christmas for me. i don't even know what or how it should be. i just felt ike i received a blow to my head and i just went numb. i wanted to say f*ck Y**! it's so g*ddamned frustrating.

she said she coudn't eat much. she couldn't hold the food. she throws them up sometimes. i asked her if hte pain is so bad. she said it's not but my brother and i know better. she couldn't sleep at all when the pain is at it's worst, which is like every second, every minute, every hour of every day and every g*ddamned night. i couldn't even hug her tight because it hurts. i really hate You! f*ck You! i hope you have a great Day because i didn't and i don't think i ever will. thanks for this christmas present. you might as well have wrapped it in chicken wire. so my hands would bleed while i unwrap it. anything to make you happy... d*mn Y**!

i am enraged. every time i awake in the middle of the night or early in the morning. it doesnt matter if it's 1am, 2am or 3am or 4am. everytime i hear her whimpering, everytime she sheds a tear because she is in pain, i curse You. i hate You. i loathe You. I despise You with every cell, every nerve, every fiber of my being. f*ck Y**! that's for letting her down for letting me down.

every night as i lay beside her, i will always watch out for that sound. i will always be wondering whether she's in pain because she's so good in hiding it. when i go back to manila, i will always lay awake wondering who's giving her back rub. is she eating right. she like's it when i give her a massage. she said she can almost feel her arms and her legs agan. that the humbness is gone i want to banish it all for you mom. but i can't. it seems that NO one can. not even these tears, so hot on my face can alleviate any pain you are suffering now. i let you down Ma. i'm sorry.

when you broke down on the 26th because andrie couldn't stop staring at you. i was crying too.
he's just seven. i know he couldn't reconcile the you that he knew when you could walk and take him to the places little kids go to. i couldn't reconcile it too. everytime i think of the past, my eyes burn, my throat constrict and i have to stop myself from crying out. from lashing out at anyone, at anything. at this point, i am beyond caring.

every time you tell me how useless you felt because you can't do the things you used to; how depressed you sound from seeing yourself now, all skin and bones, i had to bite the inside of my cheeks and tell you it's alright. but knowing it is not... i feel so weak. i just want to hide, breakdown and cry... it's all i want to do these days. i will spend the holidays crying when you are not looking. but i will tell you stories, happy stories before you go to sleep. i will rub your back and massage your arms and legs until you can feel them again. i will kiss you because i couldn't hug you like i want to.

but everytime you are not looking and everynight when i think you have fallen asleep, i will let this dam break loose.


wo ai ni mama...

the morning after listening to an angel play guitar

i'm not sure how i could sleep from last night's excitement, most probably with a big grin on my face. it was a rockin' PS year-ender Christmas party:Fashion Fusion... it was a BLAST that i think i am still over the moon and chasing stars. so VERRRRY different from last year's which was so-so (read: dismal). but they redeemed themselves this year. the party was great save for the last part when some idjit made an agaw eksena (whoever you are dude, do us all a favor: go to you-know-where and plant kamote ok!)

the party began with a dance number by some of those who participated in the PS cheer dance. psyche and kikokix were part of the group. tsok did his firedance thing. i don't know how he managed it without being burned by those flames.

but i think i began to lose my voice when ely buendia and the rest of pupil went on stage. i was at the front row with my team mates (of course where else would we be?) they sang songs from the e-head days and some songs by teeth (one of their members used to be a part of teeth) and some from their new album. my voice got hoarse from singing along with them. actually it was more like shouting. i couldn't even hear myself so i don't even know why i bothered singing. but sing and scream my lungs out i did especially to the song pare ko, prinsesa, alapaap and laklak (haha of all songs!) i think we had great fun singing pare ko with pupil and not just because everyone was waiting to sing this part "t*** i** nag mukha akong tanga!" since profanity is not allowed on the floor, it was nice venting out, really. ely sang that song originally with the e-heads and i can't believe i am watching him sing it LIVE! oh heavens... the guy who was wearing black did most of the talking for pupil. he asked the crowd whether there are people here who should be manning the shift and of course i replied hell yeah... i'm suppose to be working but here I am. i heard later that he's yael's brother...he is romeo on the gemini vid.

laklak was their last song and they dedicated it to those who were planning to get drunk. but i wasn't, just on ice tea but i don't think that even counts. i still have to go back to to JG for my shift! (which had already started at 8.30pm!) pero goodluck naman at anong petsa na ako nakarating?! (read: 1.26 am). sorry for the exclamation marks but they were necessary as i have never been late for work because i was partying late or make that 'til early morning. i'd say it's an improvement (-> Hala! ano daw?) since i am often late because i overslept. so this is my first time playing truant and i got a little carried away in my excitement thus the exclamations. however, i'm not too excited at the prospect of getting a warning from my supe.

normally i stay away from crowded places since i get dizzy when i'm surrounded by lots of warm sweaty smelly bodies. there seems to be a shortage of oxygen but lots of carbon dioxide not to mention an oversupply of loud drunk people. but last night, i forgot. heck i was even at the front row!

it was a great set. i wished they'd never leave but of course it was a christmas party and not a pupil concert. but it was such a great trip down memory lane. i felt like i was in highschool again. ely buendia looks good, too good to eat (**wink**wink**). honestly, i thought guys from rock bands are kind of almost always uh... "unkempt." well i know they take a bath but you get the idea. anyway ely looks pretty neat with his loose tie and white shirt. heck i'm not even sure how he spells his name is it with a "y" or an "i." whatever... sorry... but they were Fabulous!

the food was definitely better than last year's. although it was too bad i didn't get to eat that much because i was busy paying attention to the bands on the stage than to the chicken cordon bleu and puttanesca and the rest of the menu. i heard they even have a vegetarian buffett? i love animals but i am not vegan. i never found out where that buffett table is but no love lost there for me.


of course the most awaited band was no other than sponge cola. they're the reason i was late. i decided at the onset that i am not going back to JG until i get to see yael yuzon and the rest of the spongees... haha! and did i get my wish! i had to drag pia out of her chair as soon as the emcees started the introduction. he was wearing a shirt that says "what would mcgyver do?" and what an eye candy he was! and very nice and accommodating too! ***sigh*** i swear everyone had stars in their eyes. i was busy staring i even forgot to sing along with them.

but what caught my eye though was the guitarist who was wearing wings and a white shirt that says Paris in gold letters. with his shoulder length hair and his wings he reminds me of archangels. i sure as hell wouldn't be praying for deliverance if i were praying to him. haha! instead i'd be praying for all the things i shouldn't be praying for =_)


this guy, i never once saw him glance at the audience. i think i stared at him more often than yael because he wouldn't look at the audience's direction. he would avert his eyes or look down or just turn sideways or give us his back. he would only look at his fellow bandmates, his electric guitar and nothing else. while yael was all smiles and uber nice, he was the opposite. it's like we weren't even there. like it was just him, his guitar and his friends. he would close his eyes as he strums and plucks and all i could think of was... oh man i want to be That guitar! haha!


i really wish i'd seen his eyes though. he never smiled but he might have a dimple. now what the heck am i saying? i am starting to imagine things. he just made me so curious. i don't think i've ever been curious about any other human being save for the topics of the puzzles i solve for thestone. and those homosapiens are mostly uhm..dust now.

the contrast made by his white wings and his
i-don't-give-a-d@mn-about-you attitude was so arresting i was paying more attention to him than to yael. now that is something. it must be those wings that did it. so i told pia (over the loud noise) i'd take this guy over eli buendia and yael yuzon anytime haha! the suplado with the angel wings...and i don't even know his name! what an aberration...


now i must go home, get some sleep and if i'm lucky:


dream of angels...
wearing white shirts
that say Paris
in gold.


























****************
going over what i have written, sounds like the rumblings of an incoherent drunk. but since i plead guilty to only drinking water and ice tea, they're not it. the culprit? i think i may have inhaled more than the usual amount of frozen carbon dioxide due to my proximity to the stage.

this is my 'final' Christmas wish list. so if you're there Santa, these are it :

1. a miracle for my mom ...
2. no more storms until this year ends please. i don't think our roof is going to stay put this time.
3. spend my christmas and new year with my mom in naga (asa pa...)
4. i wouldn't mind having a bigger breasts and thinner thighs (haha!)
5. a new cellphone (maybe a sony ericsson or samsung...tired of seeing too many nokia's around)
6. a laptop
7. nano ipod
8. new tv (plasma or flatscreen whatever as long as it's new)
9. a new cd player
10. hmmm yeah... my very own eye candy (***wink***)

new year's resolutions:

1. spend more time with my mom
2. spend next year's christmas and new year's holiday at home
   get
3. More sleep
4. get stoned. gotta hit this target 130/210 before the year ends! (**pressure** stuck on puzzle 129 Roar!)
5. get rid of some of my very bad habits (and acquire some new ones haha!)
6. open a savings account (but i need money first **sigh**)
7. visit china or singapore or hongkong or malaysia or palau
8. no more powerbooks shopping binge...hmm ok make that less powerbooks shopping binge
9. take care of myself
10. be more optimistic
11. eat less junk food, drink less coffee and soda
12. remember to exercise
13. never forget birthdays (it's the easiest way to lose friends and relatives too! therefore less expenses =)
14. develop my social skills, be more outgoing (whatever! i am not antisocial, they're just anti-Me =_),
15. hear mass on sundays and develop a conscience (haha!)
16. well yeah, try to keep in touch with my friends
17. be less cynical and even less sarcastic
18. heave myself out of my comfort zone and get a friggin' new job!
    

the typhoon missed manila. but it did not spare bicol. my aunt and her family who lives in sto. domingo, albay said they lost the roof over their kitchen while typhoon durian was raging, so they stayed in the car. thank goodness they were not affected by the mudflow that came from mayon. my mom and my brother who lives in naga were ok, spooked but breathing. my brother said that the neighbors to our right lost their roof, we only lost the rain gutter on one side of our house plus we have a broken screen door. my brother also said that when he went up our roof the morning after to check, he found several metal sheets probably parts of somebody else's roof. electricity will be down for a couple more weeks because of too many toppled powerlines.

i was thinking of going home on my restday because my mother's birthday is on the 5th. but there's no power there now so i'm still thinking about it. it doesn't feel like it's december already. it's still hot as hell here. i wish it would rain.