the plate didn't just break, it shattered.

shattered into irreparably smaller pieces. blatantly telling me i can never make it whole again. no glue or epoxy would ever make it whole again. the shards were behind me, in front of me, beneath my bare feet as i stepped over it. i winced at the sharp jabs but my feet did not bleed. i stared at the food that now mixed with the broken pieces of the plate. that too is wasted.

i could almost hear the displeasure in my mother's voice. i felt her heart break. i was asking for a sign and this was it. and i thought correll plates don't break easily.


i'm not keeping it together mom. i don't know how. i told you when i dreamt of you last night. hindi ko na kaya Mama. you hugged me and then i woke up crying again. you were standing in my kitchen where i broke the plate. there was a praying mantis and i remember telling it: diwit, diwit hain ang langit? sana marahay si mama. you said you never wanted to leave. you never asked for this... i know. it's just so hard... you not being here.

the past and present collide in my dreams. last august 14 i woke up disoriented. i thought i was in our old apartment in naga. i dreamt we were there - you, me and jack. you didn't pay any attention to the two of us. you just walked into the house. i remember telling jack in my dream, Mama's here. but we know you're dead. we called out to you but you ignored us. and then i woke up. confused. i thought i was in naga. lying in our old cot in the sala. i thought it was you standing in front of me but then it dawned on me i am in manila and you're dead. it was the mirror with the bathrobe thrown over it being blown by the fan. it was still dark outside but i couldn't sleep again.

it's been 3 months since you've been gone and i can't seem to stop the counting the hours, the days the weeks, the months...

then last august 18 i was back in that dream. in the old apartment. i was wearing clothes you bought for me, the maroon spaghetti top and the black shorts. funny how i can recall these things. but in that dream i was the one dying because i took a pill that would slowly kill me. some sort of experiment that had irreversible consequences. you walked into the house and you said, " You look so happy. You must really want to die." And suddenly i know i didn't want to because i don't want to leave you. i hugged you and i cried. i don't want to die.

it was past 3 in the afternoon and i woke up crying. i remember the last time i cried like that in your arms. it was on your hospital bed. the first time you were brought to the hospital. it was january. it was right after i saw the bruises and the needle marks. after the nurse that took your blood pressure and checked the dextrose had left. i remember climbing into bed with you and i just cried. cried on your shoulder. i have never felt so helpless in my life. i was trying to hold on to you but you were slowly slipping away. you were telling me to take care of papa, of jack and shoty. and i didn't want to listen to you talking like that because i don't want you die yet. you told me that there's nothing that we can do about it. sabi mo hanggang dito na lang talaga. you sounded so tired but i know you held on because of us.

i know what you were trying to tell me in these dreams. it's just hard. not being able to see you or touch you ever again. nothing is ever the same Mama.


i can't hold them together anymore.






Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories


---
I Will Remember You
Sarah McLachlan

i go to sleep with a promise to wake up early. go to work early...for once.
but well, like they say... the road to hell is paved with good intentions. and the hell it is.

i wake up not wanting to open my eyes. soo tired and feeling lazier than i've ever been in god knows how long. feeling i don't want to do this anymore. should not even be doing this anymore. not understanding what in the world made me retract. next time i should just shoot myself in the foot.

it's just not worth it anymore.

but then the doubts. (like i said i should've shoot myself). me and my indecision. why didn't i stick to my first decision. even playing the stone is not worth all this trouble right? right... (bang...just shot my pinky i think.)

ok i miss. good thing i'm such a terrible shot...crap why do i have to be responsible for everyone. i want to be bad for once. maybe if i fail then i wouldn't burden me with all these things. i wish everyone would just get off my back for once. leave me alone. i just want to grieve ok...ever heard of it. grief. therefore grieve. leave me alone.





What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? - Irv Kupcinet

ßeta

woke up one sunny day and wondered just where did all my friends go? you ever wondered that? like the friends you've met when you were a wee tot in kindergarten. then when you were in elementary. when you were in highschool. and then the University. and now where the heck is everybody?

of course you have those ßeta friendship? like a test sort of friendship as if testing the waters...whether you'll mesh together. and when you don't...well good riddance.

and then you have friends who stab you at the back. wonder why you put up with them. you wonder how you became friends with these people... you wish you had enough foresight to avoid them but well you didn't... too bad. people who back stab you and claim they are your friends are those kind of friends who just didn't have the guts enough to tell you face to face what's wrong. life is too short to waste precious time on such people but i put up with them anyway. why? for harmony. ironic, isn't it?

(this passive - aggressive behavior will do me in one day. but i like to say i'm non confrontational. ) but then there comes a time when i just can't stand it anymore and i wish for the day when i can say hasta la vista, baby! for now, i just grit my teeth...err grin and bear it.

so ok, you say you have friends. and you say you keep in touch via email (those forwarded- sometimes-impersonal-messages that's just a little below spam level - because they came from your friends) and those funny-and-sometimes-corny sms. you barely see them except in friendster, myspace or multiply (i have 2 out of 3... not bad whatcha think?) all these things just remind me of the distance and length of time we've all been apart. i'm lousy at getting in touch myself. so there...my bad...

i forget birthdays sometimes even with all those reminders. blame the snooze thing on my cellphone. easiest way to lose some friends but those who really stick with you put up with you anyway...and a good thing too. otherwise you're left with no one. but then they forget your birthday too...so touché!

and when i think of some names, they are...just...memories...dust.. and so i wonder where they are now. where did the friendship go? all those hours you spent yakking about just everything and nothing really on the phone. those vows to keep in touch. write and so on and so forth. if they keep their bargain...there's my guilt. and when they didn't but i did...what the feck happened?

friendship i guess is like any relationships...some are bound to fail. you drift apart. sometimes you have to. you get pulled into a different direction. new life. new people to gt used to. old friendships falter and then die because it takes more than one to make it work. if no one makes the effort it will never amount to anything else. so you just shrug your shoulders and say sayang.

yeah well shit happens. i'm wondering how many of those i have ended like that. hmmm...

as you grow older (oh my...) and so do they. then i suppose friendships are suppose to evolve too. but at this time i'm not sure how mine is evolving. i'm a terrible gardener so if friendship is like a plant that has to be constantly tended and watered...suffice to say mine is in extreme danger of drying up. badly in need of fertilizer, some sun and fresh air.


i'm just a little tired of saying goodbye...

The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one. - Joan Baez

end of the rope

i told the guy who answered the phone that i won't be reporting for work because of a migraine. well i do have a headache. i just found myself crying last saturday and i couldn't seem to stop.

i watched the japanese film fest with jade and my brother last 22nd. "inochi" i don't know what the title meant. japanese drama. but i was more used to watching anime. a pregnant woman who wanted to abort the child whose ex-boyfriend was dying of lung and liver cancer. a very odd thing, she felt a connection between the child and the cancer that's slowly killing the guy.

it probably brought on that bout of melancholia last saturday that i haven't been able to shake off this week. i remember thinking that my mom never lost her hair. she never got chemo. she lived for approximately 1 year, 1 month and 13 days from the time she was diagnosed. she got so thin. the ex-boyfriend doesn't look as emaciated as my mom. she lost her ability to walk. the ex-boyfriend can still stand and walk on his own. her cancer moved on to her lungs. the ex-boyfriend's cancer moved up his esophagus until he couldn't eat. in the end he died because he couldn't eat anymore. in the end my mom died because she couldn't breathe anymore not even with the ventilator. in the end my mom died because she couldn't eat anymore because of the ventilator. if we fed her she might only choke. but she died anyway.

the day after my mom died, the movies ( pirated dvd)'s -> looks like ) shown on the bus my sister and i boarded on to bicol were all about death. white noise and other tear jerkers i don't know what their titles were. i forced myself to sleep and wished the bus would more faster. but it didn't. it's always late and we're too late. nothing ever goes right just when you needed everything to go right.

anything that can go wrong will go wrong. murphy's law.


and everything's wrong.


i'm sad.


how does one go about being happy when there are too many dark clouds?



my brother sent me an sms last thursday. how depressing it is living in his boarding house. he couldn't stop thinking about Mama. so i didn't go home immediately after my shift. i stayed until 5pm. until i'm sure the only thing left to do when i get home is sleep. because i don't want to think. i don' want to miss my mom. i don't want to cry myself to sleep. the way i've been doing these past few weeks.

i washed my laundry on friday. to soak my blues away but they're more like permanent stains. i'm still not over my blackmood on saturday. i cried until my head aches and my eyes were too puffy and i couldn't see anything clearly. and then i called FD and told them i had a migraine. then i laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. when i woke up on sunday i decided i really should resign.

i don't feel like working anymore. i have lost the drive. i have endured doing this job for so long because i had a reason to. but now i have no reason to stay but so many reasons to leave.



I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. - JD Salinger

everyday is a torture. every waking day, every goddamned night i asked for numbness...for release. i go through life as if i'm in a haze. i have to drag myself out of bed. i have to force my feet to walk to work. i have to force myself to concentrate in my work. i have to paste this smile, remember to laugh at the right times, remember where i am, force myself to hope, force myself to believe again, pretend everything is alright, pretend to hope everything is going to be alright...i don't know how to stop this farce. i am holding on by the skin of my teeth. one more burden, one more twisted joke and i will snap...

i try not to dwell on it. i try not to think about it. but this huge empty space, this dark silent void screams "you're gone." call me selfish, but i can't let go. i can't let go. how does one let go? how do i let go? how do i go on? this pain is tearing me apart. i'm helpless to stop it.

she's gone. i still can't believe it. what is acceptance? when does it come?

i was sleeping when she died. i woke up that night, about to go to work and i remember looking at my cellphone. i had 9 missed calls and a very full inbox but thought nothing about it, and then i learned from my sister...my world stopped while the rest of the world moved on as if nothing had happened. all i remember saying was "why didn't you wait for me? i was going to go home Mama... i told you i was going to go home... i was going to go home..."

i can't stop crying. i cried in my bath. i cried when i texted kix to tell WF for me. i cried until i could scarcely breathe. i wish i were there in naga. i want to be with you Ma. i want to hold your hand, rub your feet. i just want to hug you and listen to you tell me it's going to be alright. i want to turn back time. i wish i never left.

the house was so suffocating if i stayed there i will be paralyzed with grief. i will be crying all night. so we went out to eat... we ordered shrimps. i had no appetite but i ate them anyway because you loved shrimps...

the next day. jack and i left for naga... the bus couldn't move fast enough. i couldn't sleep. i cannot believe this is not a dream. i am awake so i must not be dreaming all this. i am not in a nightmare so there was never a need to wake up. but i so desperately wanted to wake up from this. i never wanted this to be real.

it all happened too fast. i didn't even get to greet you Happy Mother's Day before they brought you into the icu. you were coughing too hard. you can't breathe. you can't speak. it's that ventilator. why don't they let me speak to you. i promised i won't cry. but the next day you were gone. dead and gone... it's too late for me. i didn't even get to tell you i love you before you died...i wanted to tell you i'm sorry for not being there all the time... sorry for every pain, every disappointment... i'm sorry Ma... i didn't get to hug you again...i didn't get to kiss again... just like that Mama... and you're gone. i can't wash away this guilt...i don't know how to banish this pain. i wallow in it, i can't swim away from it...

when i walked into that funeral parlor, it took all my effort not to sob and tell all those people to go away. i can't believe it's you lying in that coffin, you look like you were just sleeping. i just stared... but i couldn't cry. is that really you in there? i willed my tears away. i don't really know where you are. i don't know how long i stood beside your coffin but i never cried. i had to get away from that place.

i went to this restaurant and ordered the most expensive food i could think of. i wasn't hungry but i made myself eat the cordon bleu and the halohalo. it was cold inside the restaurant and i wanted to be even colder. i forced myself to eat the halohalo. i want the numbness brought on by the cold... and because with coldness comes numbness...and i look forward to numbness. if i'm numb inside maybe it would keep me from thinking, from remembering and maybe it will stop me from feeling.. .

it was 2 in the morning and i am cold, eating halohalo and remembering... my tears fell freely as i ate the cordon bleu... as i ate the halohalo. the waiter placed a glass of water on my table and i just sobbed. i can't stop. i don't care whether all the people stared. because i hurt... everywhere i hurt.

i went home to sleep in your bed. i cried when i stared at the empty bed. i smelled your clothes, your pillows... i hugged them to me... it smells like you Mom. but you're not there. so i cried myself to sleep hugging your clothes and your pillows...and woke up with a splitting headache and a pain that will never go away.

that next day from the funeral parlor, they brought you to lola's house. i didn't want to go there so early. i am selfish in my grief. i don't want to see lola crying because i'm trying to maintain a very thin hold on my sanity. so i traveled there late. i rode in uncle pepe's battered van. i screamed into the night and scared some of my cousins on the way... i think i lost it then.

oh why does everything move so fast when you want it to slow down?

the priest tried to say comforting words at your funeral. that you're finally in a better place without pain. that eventually all this hurt will go away. but i clenched my teeth and wondered when will eventually come?

before they lowered you into your grave, i touched your arm one more time. it doesn't feel like it used to. i wished so hard i could hug you Ma. i wanted to kiss you. i want you tell me it's going to be alright... that it's all going to be alright again...

i watched that white coffin that holds your body while the sepulturero's covered it. i sobbed as the certainty of never seeing you again, of never touching you, of never talking to you finally descended on me. i listened as lola sobbed with tj and rick at her side, as papa cried and held on to me and jack. why does it have to happen to you Ma? why does it have to be you?

as i packed each of your clothes, i smelled each of them before i place them in the box. cried over the your favorite shirt. cried over the clothes you wore on my graduation. i'm never going to see you in them again. i remembered the time when you were wearing each one of them. putting them away is the most painful thing next to watching you being lowered into that grave. the reality of never seeing you wear them again, is so heartbreaking i don't know how i managed to finish packing when all i want to do is just lie there and hug those clothes and just drown in your memories.

sorting through all the pictures, looking at you alive and smiling, recalling each and every happy and sad scene while i try not to think about the future where there will be no you. my heart just breaks... and i don't know how it will ever be whole again.

and now i'm back here at work. looking at this copy of your death certificate that i'm suppose to bring to HR. it says in small barely legible handwriting the cause of your death: breast cancer stage IV with spinal cord compression. signed by your doctor. time of death: 4:35 pm. and i remember again that i was still asleep at the time you passed away...and that we never met, not even in my dreams.

i have tried to put it off for several days...but myke has finally beaten me to it. he had someone bring it to HR. so now you must really be gone.

yesterday was your wedding anniversary and i remember our last conversation. you asked me if i will be going home. i told you i might if i could take a leave. but now you're gone and papa spent it alone. i did not go home early because if i'm at home all i do is think of you. i tried not to think of the occasion last night because i don't want to cry again. my pillow is already saturated with tears of grief.

i don't understand how the sun can continue to come up on the same place everyday when everything is not the same in our life anymore. there used to be 5 us, now we're only 4.

all the kind words, the letters, those self help books cannot wash away this grief. every "kumusta ka na?" is just a painful reminder that you're not here anymore. i have no positive reply and thus i have stopped answering that question. no matter how much they tell me you're in a better place, that you're OK now...and i know that you must be... but it still doesn't diminish this pain. it just doesn't cut ice from where i sit. all i know is you're gone and i miss you so much... and that it hurts so damned much... and that no one and nothing will make me feel better about it.


....unless they can turn back the time.


i have tried to write several times. i have tried to write this down on paper but each stroke, each drop of ink i bleed. so i typed it instead and washed the keyboard with my tears...
so there...it's done...


this entry is finished... but i'm still not ready to say my final goodbye Mom...

she's gone

december 05, 1950 - may14, 2007

requiescat in pace mama...

i love you Mama

happy mother's day

her arms and her hands are covered with bruises. bruises made by the needles that pierced her skin - for the dextrose, for the blood transfusion, for the blood samples.

these are the hands that raised me, cared for me, embraced me, nourished me, loved me...the hands that comforted when when i was down, wiped my tears, held my hand, nursed me frm my illness..

and today you will be spending mother's day at the icu. i cannot bear to listen how your tears fell as they attached the ventilator, as they placed those tubes in your mouth, how hungry you are but you cannot eat, the pain that doesn't seem to end...

i'm sorry i cannot go home today mama. it's this stupid elections. buses are darn crowded. please don't go yet. please...stay a little longer.




"My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it." - Quentin Crisp