i go to sleep with a promise to wake up early. go to work early...for once.
but well, like they say... the road to hell is paved with good intentions. and the hell it is.

i wake up not wanting to open my eyes. soo tired and feeling lazier than i've ever been in god knows how long. feeling i don't want to do this anymore. should not even be doing this anymore. not understanding what in the world made me retract. next time i should just shoot myself in the foot.

it's just not worth it anymore.

but then the doubts. (like i said i should've shoot myself). me and my indecision. why didn't i stick to my first decision. even playing the stone is not worth all this trouble right? right... (bang...just shot my pinky i think.)

ok i miss. good thing i'm such a terrible shot...crap why do i have to be responsible for everyone. i want to be bad for once. maybe if i fail then i wouldn't burden me with all these things. i wish everyone would just get off my back for once. leave me alone. i just want to grieve ok...ever heard of it. grief. therefore grieve. leave me alone.





What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? - Irv Kupcinet

ßeta

woke up one sunny day and wondered just where did all my friends go? you ever wondered that? like the friends you've met when you were a wee tot in kindergarten. then when you were in elementary. when you were in highschool. and then the University. and now where the heck is everybody?

of course you have those ßeta friendship? like a test sort of friendship as if testing the waters...whether you'll mesh together. and when you don't...well good riddance.

and then you have friends who stab you at the back. wonder why you put up with them. you wonder how you became friends with these people... you wish you had enough foresight to avoid them but well you didn't... too bad. people who back stab you and claim they are your friends are those kind of friends who just didn't have the guts enough to tell you face to face what's wrong. life is too short to waste precious time on such people but i put up with them anyway. why? for harmony. ironic, isn't it?

(this passive - aggressive behavior will do me in one day. but i like to say i'm non confrontational. ) but then there comes a time when i just can't stand it anymore and i wish for the day when i can say hasta la vista, baby! for now, i just grit my teeth...err grin and bear it.

so ok, you say you have friends. and you say you keep in touch via email (those forwarded- sometimes-impersonal-messages that's just a little below spam level - because they came from your friends) and those funny-and-sometimes-corny sms. you barely see them except in friendster, myspace or multiply (i have 2 out of 3... not bad whatcha think?) all these things just remind me of the distance and length of time we've all been apart. i'm lousy at getting in touch myself. so there...my bad...

i forget birthdays sometimes even with all those reminders. blame the snooze thing on my cellphone. easiest way to lose some friends but those who really stick with you put up with you anyway...and a good thing too. otherwise you're left with no one. but then they forget your birthday too...so touché!

and when i think of some names, they are...just...memories...dust.. and so i wonder where they are now. where did the friendship go? all those hours you spent yakking about just everything and nothing really on the phone. those vows to keep in touch. write and so on and so forth. if they keep their bargain...there's my guilt. and when they didn't but i did...what the feck happened?

friendship i guess is like any relationships...some are bound to fail. you drift apart. sometimes you have to. you get pulled into a different direction. new life. new people to gt used to. old friendships falter and then die because it takes more than one to make it work. if no one makes the effort it will never amount to anything else. so you just shrug your shoulders and say sayang.

yeah well shit happens. i'm wondering how many of those i have ended like that. hmmm...

as you grow older (oh my...) and so do they. then i suppose friendships are suppose to evolve too. but at this time i'm not sure how mine is evolving. i'm a terrible gardener so if friendship is like a plant that has to be constantly tended and watered...suffice to say mine is in extreme danger of drying up. badly in need of fertilizer, some sun and fresh air.


i'm just a little tired of saying goodbye...

The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one. - Joan Baez