december 25, 2k6: christmas

this was how my christmas was (mis)spent:


i reported for my 8.30pm shift on the night of the 24th. at the end of my shift, i had to put in an over time because i forgot to ring jade earlier so he could come early. however my siblings, my cousin and i still managed to arrive before 9am at the bus station.

we arrived in naga past 10PM. it's so hard to believe we got to naga all in one piece save for our sore butts. the bus which came from cubao was delayed for more than an hour. then some hag tried to take my brother and my cousin's seats. the argument delayed us for another good hour! i had to tell her that i've booked those seats since the 16th. she refused to back down so my sister (who is b*tch*er than I am) told the conductor to settle it or get the manager. some woman from the philtranco office came on the bus. she told everyone without any tickets to leave their seats while they try to give seats to those who had tickets first some guy at the front was muttering how the 'sampids' shouldn't be on that bus at all. i'd ike to tell the s.o.b. that we are not 'sampids' here. after all we got here first! and we have our tickets.sh*t i did not pay for gold service for this kind of lousy service. and it's L_O_U_S_Y! the woman from the bus company took the seats from the lady with two kids who sat in front of my brother's. the woman with the kids was of course furious. she argued that she shouldn't have been allowed to board if they knew that other people from another bus were going to be transferred to ours. as i have said before L-O-U-S-Y service! so when everyone who had tickets were seated and those who haven't got evicted or chose to seat themselves at the steps by the door. we finally got moving. and that ticket incident took another hour. so instead of leaving at 9am as we were supposed to we left at around 11am. bloody hell...

when the conductor started collecting our tickets, we learned that the woman who wanted to take my brother and my cousin's seat boarded the wrong bus. susariosep! so the conductor asked her to pay extra because shes not suppose to be on the gold service bus but on regular A/C. i wanted to throw my cute sandals at her but i held back. i settled for throttling her neck, in my mind. i had difficulty procuring them and the b*tch is not worth it and to think she was asking my brother and cousin to give up one of their seats - well we did not pay for two seats so one would stand up for the rest og the trip, duh! and the man who was muttering sampid doesnt have any tickets at all. and he had the gall! what an s.o.b.! no way am i gonna let my brother or my cousin stand up on that trip. and it is an eight hour trip that took 12 hours. thanks to a busted tire while we were on top of the mountains in atimonan ( i think) which delayed us for another hour! all i know is it was quezon still because i usually lose cellphone signal while passing through some areas in quezon.

there wasn't much sun in those areas. below the ravine, i could barely make out the trees and to think that it was past 3pm! it's so foggy down there. the trees are either bereft of leaves or had only leaves on one side. that tells you where the wind was blowing. most of the coconuts i saw had leaves only on one side. if i didn't know how bad the typhoon was i would have laugh. i dread seeing what naga would like.

we arrived at home past 10pm. i was ravenous and uber tired. oh my goodness that was the longest trip of my life. alright so maybe not. i went to my uncle's wedding in butuan but that trip was a far more pleasant experience and to think that naga is nearer to manila than butuan will ever be. our parents were very worried of course. but we told mom, we winged it so no need to fret over spilled beer.

i was shocked to see my mom. she was thinner. bone thin. oh my god i wanted to kick myself in the shins! i gaped i'm sure. that must've hurt her. but i could not cope. i wanted to hug her but i'm afraid i will crush her bones or hurt her. oh my god! i can't believe it was just a couple of months since i last saw her. it was jsut in october. i just wanted to weep. she lost so much weight. i don't ever want to leave but i know i woud have to. this is the worst christmas for me. i don't even know what or how it should be. i just felt ike i received a blow to my head and i just went numb. i wanted to say f*ck Y**! it's so g*ddamned frustrating.

she said she coudn't eat much. she couldn't hold the food. she throws them up sometimes. i asked her if hte pain is so bad. she said it's not but my brother and i know better. she couldn't sleep at all when the pain is at it's worst, which is like every second, every minute, every hour of every day and every g*ddamned night. i couldn't even hug her tight because it hurts. i really hate You! f*ck You! i hope you have a great Day because i didn't and i don't think i ever will. thanks for this christmas present. you might as well have wrapped it in chicken wire. so my hands would bleed while i unwrap it. anything to make you happy... d*mn Y**!

i am enraged. every time i awake in the middle of the night or early in the morning. it doesnt matter if it's 1am, 2am or 3am or 4am. everytime i hear her whimpering, everytime she sheds a tear because she is in pain, i curse You. i hate You. i loathe You. I despise You with every cell, every nerve, every fiber of my being. f*ck Y**! that's for letting her down for letting me down.

every night as i lay beside her, i will always watch out for that sound. i will always be wondering whether she's in pain because she's so good in hiding it. when i go back to manila, i will always lay awake wondering who's giving her back rub. is she eating right. she like's it when i give her a massage. she said she can almost feel her arms and her legs agan. that the humbness is gone i want to banish it all for you mom. but i can't. it seems that NO one can. not even these tears, so hot on my face can alleviate any pain you are suffering now. i let you down Ma. i'm sorry.

when you broke down on the 26th because andrie couldn't stop staring at you. i was crying too.
he's just seven. i know he couldn't reconcile the you that he knew when you could walk and take him to the places little kids go to. i couldn't reconcile it too. everytime i think of the past, my eyes burn, my throat constrict and i have to stop myself from crying out. from lashing out at anyone, at anything. at this point, i am beyond caring.

every time you tell me how useless you felt because you can't do the things you used to; how depressed you sound from seeing yourself now, all skin and bones, i had to bite the inside of my cheeks and tell you it's alright. but knowing it is not... i feel so weak. i just want to hide, breakdown and cry... it's all i want to do these days. i will spend the holidays crying when you are not looking. but i will tell you stories, happy stories before you go to sleep. i will rub your back and massage your arms and legs until you can feel them again. i will kiss you because i couldn't hug you like i want to.

but everytime you are not looking and everynight when i think you have fallen asleep, i will let this dam break loose.


wo ai ni mama...

the morning after listening to an angel play guitar

i'm not sure how i could sleep from last night's excitement, most probably with a big grin on my face. it was a rockin' PS year-ender Christmas party:Fashion Fusion... it was a BLAST that i think i am still over the moon and chasing stars. so VERRRRY different from last year's which was so-so (read: dismal). but they redeemed themselves this year. the party was great save for the last part when some idjit made an agaw eksena (whoever you are dude, do us all a favor: go to you-know-where and plant kamote ok!)

the party began with a dance number by some of those who participated in the PS cheer dance. psyche and kikokix were part of the group. tsok did his firedance thing. i don't know how he managed it without being burned by those flames.

but i think i began to lose my voice when ely buendia and the rest of pupil went on stage. i was at the front row with my team mates (of course where else would we be?) they sang songs from the e-head days and some songs by teeth (one of their members used to be a part of teeth) and some from their new album. my voice got hoarse from singing along with them. actually it was more like shouting. i couldn't even hear myself so i don't even know why i bothered singing. but sing and scream my lungs out i did especially to the song pare ko, prinsesa, alapaap and laklak (haha of all songs!) i think we had great fun singing pare ko with pupil and not just because everyone was waiting to sing this part "t*** i** nag mukha akong tanga!" since profanity is not allowed on the floor, it was nice venting out, really. ely sang that song originally with the e-heads and i can't believe i am watching him sing it LIVE! oh heavens... the guy who was wearing black did most of the talking for pupil. he asked the crowd whether there are people here who should be manning the shift and of course i replied hell yeah... i'm suppose to be working but here I am. i heard later that he's yael's brother...he is romeo on the gemini vid.

laklak was their last song and they dedicated it to those who were planning to get drunk. but i wasn't, just on ice tea but i don't think that even counts. i still have to go back to to JG for my shift! (which had already started at 8.30pm!) pero goodluck naman at anong petsa na ako nakarating?! (read: 1.26 am). sorry for the exclamation marks but they were necessary as i have never been late for work because i was partying late or make that 'til early morning. i'd say it's an improvement (-> Hala! ano daw?) since i am often late because i overslept. so this is my first time playing truant and i got a little carried away in my excitement thus the exclamations. however, i'm not too excited at the prospect of getting a warning from my supe.

normally i stay away from crowded places since i get dizzy when i'm surrounded by lots of warm sweaty smelly bodies. there seems to be a shortage of oxygen but lots of carbon dioxide not to mention an oversupply of loud drunk people. but last night, i forgot. heck i was even at the front row!

it was a great set. i wished they'd never leave but of course it was a christmas party and not a pupil concert. but it was such a great trip down memory lane. i felt like i was in highschool again. ely buendia looks good, too good to eat (**wink**wink**). honestly, i thought guys from rock bands are kind of almost always uh... "unkempt." well i know they take a bath but you get the idea. anyway ely looks pretty neat with his loose tie and white shirt. heck i'm not even sure how he spells his name is it with a "y" or an "i." whatever... sorry... but they were Fabulous!

the food was definitely better than last year's. although it was too bad i didn't get to eat that much because i was busy paying attention to the bands on the stage than to the chicken cordon bleu and puttanesca and the rest of the menu. i heard they even have a vegetarian buffett? i love animals but i am not vegan. i never found out where that buffett table is but no love lost there for me.


of course the most awaited band was no other than sponge cola. they're the reason i was late. i decided at the onset that i am not going back to JG until i get to see yael yuzon and the rest of the spongees... haha! and did i get my wish! i had to drag pia out of her chair as soon as the emcees started the introduction. he was wearing a shirt that says "what would mcgyver do?" and what an eye candy he was! and very nice and accommodating too! ***sigh*** i swear everyone had stars in their eyes. i was busy staring i even forgot to sing along with them.

but what caught my eye though was the guitarist who was wearing wings and a white shirt that says Paris in gold letters. with his shoulder length hair and his wings he reminds me of archangels. i sure as hell wouldn't be praying for deliverance if i were praying to him. haha! instead i'd be praying for all the things i shouldn't be praying for =_)


this guy, i never once saw him glance at the audience. i think i stared at him more often than yael because he wouldn't look at the audience's direction. he would avert his eyes or look down or just turn sideways or give us his back. he would only look at his fellow bandmates, his electric guitar and nothing else. while yael was all smiles and uber nice, he was the opposite. it's like we weren't even there. like it was just him, his guitar and his friends. he would close his eyes as he strums and plucks and all i could think of was... oh man i want to be That guitar! haha!


i really wish i'd seen his eyes though. he never smiled but he might have a dimple. now what the heck am i saying? i am starting to imagine things. he just made me so curious. i don't think i've ever been curious about any other human being save for the topics of the puzzles i solve for thestone. and those homosapiens are mostly uhm..dust now.

the contrast made by his white wings and his
i-don't-give-a-d@mn-about-you attitude was so arresting i was paying more attention to him than to yael. now that is something. it must be those wings that did it. so i told pia (over the loud noise) i'd take this guy over eli buendia and yael yuzon anytime haha! the suplado with the angel wings...and i don't even know his name! what an aberration...


now i must go home, get some sleep and if i'm lucky:


dream of angels...
wearing white shirts
that say Paris
in gold.


























****************
going over what i have written, sounds like the rumblings of an incoherent drunk. but since i plead guilty to only drinking water and ice tea, they're not it. the culprit? i think i may have inhaled more than the usual amount of frozen carbon dioxide due to my proximity to the stage.

this is my 'final' Christmas wish list. so if you're there Santa, these are it :

1. a miracle for my mom ...
2. no more storms until this year ends please. i don't think our roof is going to stay put this time.
3. spend my christmas and new year with my mom in naga (asa pa...)
4. i wouldn't mind having a bigger breasts and thinner thighs (haha!)
5. a new cellphone (maybe a sony ericsson or samsung...tired of seeing too many nokia's around)
6. a laptop
7. nano ipod
8. new tv (plasma or flatscreen whatever as long as it's new)
9. a new cd player
10. hmmm yeah... my very own eye candy (***wink***)

new year's resolutions:

1. spend more time with my mom
2. spend next year's christmas and new year's holiday at home
   get
3. More sleep
4. get stoned. gotta hit this target 130/210 before the year ends! (**pressure** stuck on puzzle 129 Roar!)
5. get rid of some of my very bad habits (and acquire some new ones haha!)
6. open a savings account (but i need money first **sigh**)
7. visit china or singapore or hongkong or malaysia or palau
8. no more powerbooks shopping binge...hmm ok make that less powerbooks shopping binge
9. take care of myself
10. be more optimistic
11. eat less junk food, drink less coffee and soda
12. remember to exercise
13. never forget birthdays (it's the easiest way to lose friends and relatives too! therefore less expenses =)
14. develop my social skills, be more outgoing (whatever! i am not antisocial, they're just anti-Me =_),
15. hear mass on sundays and develop a conscience (haha!)
16. well yeah, try to keep in touch with my friends
17. be less cynical and even less sarcastic
18. heave myself out of my comfort zone and get a friggin' new job!
    

the typhoon missed manila. but it did not spare bicol. my aunt and her family who lives in sto. domingo, albay said they lost the roof over their kitchen while typhoon durian was raging, so they stayed in the car. thank goodness they were not affected by the mudflow that came from mayon. my mom and my brother who lives in naga were ok, spooked but breathing. my brother said that the neighbors to our right lost their roof, we only lost the rain gutter on one side of our house plus we have a broken screen door. my brother also said that when he went up our roof the morning after to check, he found several metal sheets probably parts of somebody else's roof. electricity will be down for a couple more weeks because of too many toppled powerlines.

i was thinking of going home on my restday because my mother's birthday is on the 5th. but there's no power there now so i'm still thinking about it. it doesn't feel like it's december already. it's still hot as hell here. i wish it would rain.