december 25, 2k6: christmas

this was how my christmas was (mis)spent:


i reported for my 8.30pm shift on the night of the 24th. at the end of my shift, i had to put in an over time because i forgot to ring jade earlier so he could come early. however my siblings, my cousin and i still managed to arrive before 9am at the bus station.

we arrived in naga past 10PM. it's so hard to believe we got to naga all in one piece save for our sore butts. the bus which came from cubao was delayed for more than an hour. then some hag tried to take my brother and my cousin's seats. the argument delayed us for another good hour! i had to tell her that i've booked those seats since the 16th. she refused to back down so my sister (who is b*tch*er than I am) told the conductor to settle it or get the manager. some woman from the philtranco office came on the bus. she told everyone without any tickets to leave their seats while they try to give seats to those who had tickets first some guy at the front was muttering how the 'sampids' shouldn't be on that bus at all. i'd ike to tell the s.o.b. that we are not 'sampids' here. after all we got here first! and we have our tickets.sh*t i did not pay for gold service for this kind of lousy service. and it's L_O_U_S_Y! the woman from the bus company took the seats from the lady with two kids who sat in front of my brother's. the woman with the kids was of course furious. she argued that she shouldn't have been allowed to board if they knew that other people from another bus were going to be transferred to ours. as i have said before L-O-U-S-Y service! so when everyone who had tickets were seated and those who haven't got evicted or chose to seat themselves at the steps by the door. we finally got moving. and that ticket incident took another hour. so instead of leaving at 9am as we were supposed to we left at around 11am. bloody hell...

when the conductor started collecting our tickets, we learned that the woman who wanted to take my brother and my cousin's seat boarded the wrong bus. susariosep! so the conductor asked her to pay extra because shes not suppose to be on the gold service bus but on regular A/C. i wanted to throw my cute sandals at her but i held back. i settled for throttling her neck, in my mind. i had difficulty procuring them and the b*tch is not worth it and to think she was asking my brother and cousin to give up one of their seats - well we did not pay for two seats so one would stand up for the rest og the trip, duh! and the man who was muttering sampid doesnt have any tickets at all. and he had the gall! what an s.o.b.! no way am i gonna let my brother or my cousin stand up on that trip. and it is an eight hour trip that took 12 hours. thanks to a busted tire while we were on top of the mountains in atimonan ( i think) which delayed us for another hour! all i know is it was quezon still because i usually lose cellphone signal while passing through some areas in quezon.

there wasn't much sun in those areas. below the ravine, i could barely make out the trees and to think that it was past 3pm! it's so foggy down there. the trees are either bereft of leaves or had only leaves on one side. that tells you where the wind was blowing. most of the coconuts i saw had leaves only on one side. if i didn't know how bad the typhoon was i would have laugh. i dread seeing what naga would like.

we arrived at home past 10pm. i was ravenous and uber tired. oh my goodness that was the longest trip of my life. alright so maybe not. i went to my uncle's wedding in butuan but that trip was a far more pleasant experience and to think that naga is nearer to manila than butuan will ever be. our parents were very worried of course. but we told mom, we winged it so no need to fret over spilled beer.

i was shocked to see my mom. she was thinner. bone thin. oh my god i wanted to kick myself in the shins! i gaped i'm sure. that must've hurt her. but i could not cope. i wanted to hug her but i'm afraid i will crush her bones or hurt her. oh my god! i can't believe it was just a couple of months since i last saw her. it was jsut in october. i just wanted to weep. she lost so much weight. i don't ever want to leave but i know i woud have to. this is the worst christmas for me. i don't even know what or how it should be. i just felt ike i received a blow to my head and i just went numb. i wanted to say f*ck Y**! it's so g*ddamned frustrating.

she said she coudn't eat much. she couldn't hold the food. she throws them up sometimes. i asked her if hte pain is so bad. she said it's not but my brother and i know better. she couldn't sleep at all when the pain is at it's worst, which is like every second, every minute, every hour of every day and every g*ddamned night. i couldn't even hug her tight because it hurts. i really hate You! f*ck You! i hope you have a great Day because i didn't and i don't think i ever will. thanks for this christmas present. you might as well have wrapped it in chicken wire. so my hands would bleed while i unwrap it. anything to make you happy... d*mn Y**!

i am enraged. every time i awake in the middle of the night or early in the morning. it doesnt matter if it's 1am, 2am or 3am or 4am. everytime i hear her whimpering, everytime she sheds a tear because she is in pain, i curse You. i hate You. i loathe You. I despise You with every cell, every nerve, every fiber of my being. f*ck Y**! that's for letting her down for letting me down.

every night as i lay beside her, i will always watch out for that sound. i will always be wondering whether she's in pain because she's so good in hiding it. when i go back to manila, i will always lay awake wondering who's giving her back rub. is she eating right. she like's it when i give her a massage. she said she can almost feel her arms and her legs agan. that the humbness is gone i want to banish it all for you mom. but i can't. it seems that NO one can. not even these tears, so hot on my face can alleviate any pain you are suffering now. i let you down Ma. i'm sorry.

when you broke down on the 26th because andrie couldn't stop staring at you. i was crying too.
he's just seven. i know he couldn't reconcile the you that he knew when you could walk and take him to the places little kids go to. i couldn't reconcile it too. everytime i think of the past, my eyes burn, my throat constrict and i have to stop myself from crying out. from lashing out at anyone, at anything. at this point, i am beyond caring.

every time you tell me how useless you felt because you can't do the things you used to; how depressed you sound from seeing yourself now, all skin and bones, i had to bite the inside of my cheeks and tell you it's alright. but knowing it is not... i feel so weak. i just want to hide, breakdown and cry... it's all i want to do these days. i will spend the holidays crying when you are not looking. but i will tell you stories, happy stories before you go to sleep. i will rub your back and massage your arms and legs until you can feel them again. i will kiss you because i couldn't hug you like i want to.

but everytime you are not looking and everynight when i think you have fallen asleep, i will let this dam break loose.


wo ai ni mama...

the morning after listening to an angel play guitar

i'm not sure how i could sleep from last night's excitement, most probably with a big grin on my face. it was a rockin' PS year-ender Christmas party:Fashion Fusion... it was a BLAST that i think i am still over the moon and chasing stars. so VERRRRY different from last year's which was so-so (read: dismal). but they redeemed themselves this year. the party was great save for the last part when some idjit made an agaw eksena (whoever you are dude, do us all a favor: go to you-know-where and plant kamote ok!)

the party began with a dance number by some of those who participated in the PS cheer dance. psyche and kikokix were part of the group. tsok did his firedance thing. i don't know how he managed it without being burned by those flames.

but i think i began to lose my voice when ely buendia and the rest of pupil went on stage. i was at the front row with my team mates (of course where else would we be?) they sang songs from the e-head days and some songs by teeth (one of their members used to be a part of teeth) and some from their new album. my voice got hoarse from singing along with them. actually it was more like shouting. i couldn't even hear myself so i don't even know why i bothered singing. but sing and scream my lungs out i did especially to the song pare ko, prinsesa, alapaap and laklak (haha of all songs!) i think we had great fun singing pare ko with pupil and not just because everyone was waiting to sing this part "t*** i** nag mukha akong tanga!" since profanity is not allowed on the floor, it was nice venting out, really. ely sang that song originally with the e-heads and i can't believe i am watching him sing it LIVE! oh heavens... the guy who was wearing black did most of the talking for pupil. he asked the crowd whether there are people here who should be manning the shift and of course i replied hell yeah... i'm suppose to be working but here I am. i heard later that he's yael's brother...he is romeo on the gemini vid.

laklak was their last song and they dedicated it to those who were planning to get drunk. but i wasn't, just on ice tea but i don't think that even counts. i still have to go back to to JG for my shift! (which had already started at 8.30pm!) pero goodluck naman at anong petsa na ako nakarating?! (read: 1.26 am). sorry for the exclamation marks but they were necessary as i have never been late for work because i was partying late or make that 'til early morning. i'd say it's an improvement (-> Hala! ano daw?) since i am often late because i overslept. so this is my first time playing truant and i got a little carried away in my excitement thus the exclamations. however, i'm not too excited at the prospect of getting a warning from my supe.

normally i stay away from crowded places since i get dizzy when i'm surrounded by lots of warm sweaty smelly bodies. there seems to be a shortage of oxygen but lots of carbon dioxide not to mention an oversupply of loud drunk people. but last night, i forgot. heck i was even at the front row!

it was a great set. i wished they'd never leave but of course it was a christmas party and not a pupil concert. but it was such a great trip down memory lane. i felt like i was in highschool again. ely buendia looks good, too good to eat (**wink**wink**). honestly, i thought guys from rock bands are kind of almost always uh... "unkempt." well i know they take a bath but you get the idea. anyway ely looks pretty neat with his loose tie and white shirt. heck i'm not even sure how he spells his name is it with a "y" or an "i." whatever... sorry... but they were Fabulous!

the food was definitely better than last year's. although it was too bad i didn't get to eat that much because i was busy paying attention to the bands on the stage than to the chicken cordon bleu and puttanesca and the rest of the menu. i heard they even have a vegetarian buffett? i love animals but i am not vegan. i never found out where that buffett table is but no love lost there for me.


of course the most awaited band was no other than sponge cola. they're the reason i was late. i decided at the onset that i am not going back to JG until i get to see yael yuzon and the rest of the spongees... haha! and did i get my wish! i had to drag pia out of her chair as soon as the emcees started the introduction. he was wearing a shirt that says "what would mcgyver do?" and what an eye candy he was! and very nice and accommodating too! ***sigh*** i swear everyone had stars in their eyes. i was busy staring i even forgot to sing along with them.

but what caught my eye though was the guitarist who was wearing wings and a white shirt that says Paris in gold letters. with his shoulder length hair and his wings he reminds me of archangels. i sure as hell wouldn't be praying for deliverance if i were praying to him. haha! instead i'd be praying for all the things i shouldn't be praying for =_)


this guy, i never once saw him glance at the audience. i think i stared at him more often than yael because he wouldn't look at the audience's direction. he would avert his eyes or look down or just turn sideways or give us his back. he would only look at his fellow bandmates, his electric guitar and nothing else. while yael was all smiles and uber nice, he was the opposite. it's like we weren't even there. like it was just him, his guitar and his friends. he would close his eyes as he strums and plucks and all i could think of was... oh man i want to be That guitar! haha!


i really wish i'd seen his eyes though. he never smiled but he might have a dimple. now what the heck am i saying? i am starting to imagine things. he just made me so curious. i don't think i've ever been curious about any other human being save for the topics of the puzzles i solve for thestone. and those homosapiens are mostly uhm..dust now.

the contrast made by his white wings and his
i-don't-give-a-d@mn-about-you attitude was so arresting i was paying more attention to him than to yael. now that is something. it must be those wings that did it. so i told pia (over the loud noise) i'd take this guy over eli buendia and yael yuzon anytime haha! the suplado with the angel wings...and i don't even know his name! what an aberration...


now i must go home, get some sleep and if i'm lucky:


dream of angels...
wearing white shirts
that say Paris
in gold.


























****************
going over what i have written, sounds like the rumblings of an incoherent drunk. but since i plead guilty to only drinking water and ice tea, they're not it. the culprit? i think i may have inhaled more than the usual amount of frozen carbon dioxide due to my proximity to the stage.

this is my 'final' Christmas wish list. so if you're there Santa, these are it :

1. a miracle for my mom ...
2. no more storms until this year ends please. i don't think our roof is going to stay put this time.
3. spend my christmas and new year with my mom in naga (asa pa...)
4. i wouldn't mind having a bigger breasts and thinner thighs (haha!)
5. a new cellphone (maybe a sony ericsson or samsung...tired of seeing too many nokia's around)
6. a laptop
7. nano ipod
8. new tv (plasma or flatscreen whatever as long as it's new)
9. a new cd player
10. hmmm yeah... my very own eye candy (***wink***)

new year's resolutions:

1. spend more time with my mom
2. spend next year's christmas and new year's holiday at home
   get
3. More sleep
4. get stoned. gotta hit this target 130/210 before the year ends! (**pressure** stuck on puzzle 129 Roar!)
5. get rid of some of my very bad habits (and acquire some new ones haha!)
6. open a savings account (but i need money first **sigh**)
7. visit china or singapore or hongkong or malaysia or palau
8. no more powerbooks shopping binge...hmm ok make that less powerbooks shopping binge
9. take care of myself
10. be more optimistic
11. eat less junk food, drink less coffee and soda
12. remember to exercise
13. never forget birthdays (it's the easiest way to lose friends and relatives too! therefore less expenses =)
14. develop my social skills, be more outgoing (whatever! i am not antisocial, they're just anti-Me =_),
15. hear mass on sundays and develop a conscience (haha!)
16. well yeah, try to keep in touch with my friends
17. be less cynical and even less sarcastic
18. heave myself out of my comfort zone and get a friggin' new job!
    

the typhoon missed manila. but it did not spare bicol. my aunt and her family who lives in sto. domingo, albay said they lost the roof over their kitchen while typhoon durian was raging, so they stayed in the car. thank goodness they were not affected by the mudflow that came from mayon. my mom and my brother who lives in naga were ok, spooked but breathing. my brother said that the neighbors to our right lost their roof, we only lost the rain gutter on one side of our house plus we have a broken screen door. my brother also said that when he went up our roof the morning after to check, he found several metal sheets probably parts of somebody else's roof. electricity will be down for a couple more weeks because of too many toppled powerlines.

i was thinking of going home on my restday because my mother's birthday is on the 5th. but there's no power there now so i'm still thinking about it. it doesn't feel like it's december already. it's still hot as hell here. i wish it would rain.

i need a miracle.
now of all days.

why is it when you need one the most it is most scarce?
ang damot.
how cruel.

what is one miracle to You?
why do others get it more than most people?
more than most people...like me?

i am most people.
i have to eat dirt.
endure the pain.suffer silently like the rest.
like most people because i am most people.
i will...

watch with envy, those who got blessed.

I'm a total math klutz. My brother and sister did better in that subject than I ever did. Sad to say my performace (particularly in calculus) was dismal. However, I am proud to say that I never failed therefore I never had to retake the damnable subject(s) ever again. I made sure I get a passing grade (going to masses, novena, you name it) because I am not a sadist that I would let myself undergo a repeat of such a torturous experience. i guess what i am trying to say is that if solving a calculus problem is required to save my life, I'm in deep deep sh*t. With that introduction I would like to say:

CONGRATULATIONS to the CE Board Passers for November 2006. my hermano's friend placed 9th. everyone's kind of expecting that he'd end up somewhere on the top hahaha! because that dude is so out of this world, reviewed like there's no tomorrow and it did pay off very well. I could only wish my hermano would be the same pero well asa pa di ba +_) haha just kidding shoty!
anyway, Congratulations Marlon!

9th place Marlon Milla - Ateneo de Naga University

to check whether you or someone you know passed the civil engineering board exams this month. click away...



PS:and before i forget: HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

dreamt i was at the supermarket in naga. i was standing by the road, about to cross a small lane. a lady selling cupcakes and other sweets behind me. but i was sleepy. i closed my eyes and slept there. standing.

and then i fell. face first. on the cold muddy asphalt. i didn't get up. i just closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.in the real world, i stirred awake. i thought it was real. but then i remembered if that happened i would be so muddy and so embarrassed i wouldn't dare show my face there again. it was only a dream. of a very tired mind and a restless soul. still i wonder how one could dream sleeping. i must be really tired that i am now starting to dream that i am asleep.

must get more good sleep...zzz.... zzz...

Asuma Sensei is dead. damn it. damn it. deep down i knew he was gonna be sacrificed. if only hidan never got his head back. dAmn.

i had hoped it would not be the case... sigh... poor shikamaru. i've been dreading reading this chapter ever since they started to hunt down hidan and kakuzu for killing the monks. those akatsuki guys are just too tough. makes me wonder how it will all end. it's going to be one helluva showdown. so who's the king that shikamaru must protect? the kyuubi, naruto...?

the enemies are getting closer. konoha's going to need all its chuunins to defend itself against, what? 9 guys? bloody days ahead for konoha...

a walk in the dark

black on black. no stars. walking along paseo, passing everyone by. everyone passing me by. staring ahead but not really seeing anything. wondering if the rest of them are like me. wondering if they can really see me. am i here? no one seems to be acknowledging me. this is worse than being a ghost. to live but to live like i am dead. living but wasting away.

how many streets must i walk before i can be seen. felt. heard. everyone going their own way. me going on with mine. it is too dark to see my shadow. i don't feel 'here.' if i am here then why does it feel like i am very far away.

i don't want eternity if it means wandering like this. no final destination. always searching. feeling left behind, leaving others behind. never belonging anywhere or to anyone.

i stood beside the lamp post. beside the only light. awash in light, but deep inside i am slowly being eaten away by the dark. deep inside i am colder than any winter night. .

ties that bind

i was late for more than 30 minutes for my mandarin class last saturday. it's not even because i was reviewing my notes or studying chinese verbs and sentence structures the night before. but the night before which turned into early morning was spent in a text marathon with 2 of my college friends trying to squeeze in a late tete-a-tete for that day.

here's how it started. i remember asking nestor if he has ever tried applying at one of the hospitals here in makati - that was early morning friday. i got the reply late that night and i had to think for a few minutes there to recall what my question was; that i would merit such a late night reply that i couldn't make sense of at first. after i got it all figured out, i replied that i was afraid that smart servers have caught the bug that has inflicted our servers and also our latency problems with our mail servers since i just got a reply from the question i asked more than 10 hours ago. the sarcasm is of course lost on my friend who had no idea what i am talking about. anyway i suggested we all meet tomorrow, that is after i finally dug out the torn paper where i wrote down valdz new cellphone number. we've decided that we'll meet at gateway. i've been there but i couldn't really recall how i got there clearly since that part of manila is not really my territory. but i told nesty, i'll text valdz and i'll text him once i get valdz' confirmation.

sometime around 1am i think, valdz finally replied that he is about to leave. so i replied "leave?where? you're going back to naga? wait let's meet tomorrow first. nestor's here" and he replied "i'm leaving for dubai." and i'm like "wtf. ginagago na naman ba ako nito. or what?" if you know my friends like love and i do. one thing love has taught me is not to take everything they say seriously unless verified by another third party namely her. and love being love, i still don't take her seriously either until she gives the same reply under oath and under duress. since calling love at that time is out of the question. i called valdz and asked "seryoso ba to?" and he said it is indeed the truth. so alright that decided it, we all have to meet. so i texted nestor and said ok you have to be there because our tete-a-tete has just turned into a despidida party.

saturday morning. our 1pm meet up at gateway was about to get derailed because valdz has to settle something about his visa at the embassy. meeting on sunday is out of the question since i'm going back to graveyard shift on sunday. we all decided to meet at a later time and at a place nearer to mine. i asked nestor to call puds' landline number and see if she's back here already. i was gonna call her myself but i won't be in at the office till very much later. attended mandarin class. told my laoshi i still haven't managed to dig through the muck of files at home to look for my mandarin manuals but i promised to don goggles and a helmet sometime this week and look for them. apart from suncy and i, we have ourselves a new classmate and the new classmate blatantly berated me for texting in class. it's not that i wasn't seriously interested in the lesson but it's that part of the lesson i can get through with my eyes closed sans manuals. i didn't spend 12 years studying in a chinese school for nothing. plus scheduling this meeting is not becoming as easy as i have hoped. i still didn't kow if puds can make it or if she's in manila already but valdz confirmed that he will meet us at 5pm in g4. good enough.

after class, i went to jg and found out i just missed cut off and therefore i will never be able to file my overtime ever. so i just rendered an OT gratis. i swore some and swore some more. lots of shit happen after you come back from your restdays like the day i found out we won't be able to use maxthon or mozilla because IT is too paranoid. i swore even more on that day. i called puds and she said nestor just called and yes we can meet at 4pm at glorietta, by mcdonald's at the groundfloor. she'll text me before she leaves her place.

at a little past 4, got a text from nestor that he is already at our meet up place and asking if puds and i are on are way. i assured him i am about to go out of our building (i was actually just about to log off from the PC i was using) and told him that i'm sure puds is also on her way. i checked my cellphone, nothing from puds yet but got a missed call from valdz. cellphone says no space for new messages so deleted some old messages. got something from valdz that says we all have to be there. gave a positive reply.

debated on whether to walk to glorietta or to take a puj but the kuripot part of me won the debate. replied to nestor "be there in 15 minutes." considered running but opted for brisk walking instead. arrived in glorietta and couldn't find nestor immediately. my eyesight is not as good as it was. everyone looked the same in my eyes - blurry faces. he finally found me, just materialized out of nowhere. puds is still nowhere in sight. we both agreed it's not old news. he said i am late as always. he informed me i was 20 minutes late. hah! haven't changed. i'm like 'yeah.' i'm getting lectured on tardiness again twice in one day.

ever since i can remember, i don't think he has ever been late for any of our outings. i remember one time love and i were suppose to meet him. i called love who lives outside of naga and still found her at home and to think it's less than 15 minutes to our agreed time. she also said yeah i'm gonna be late too and of course we know that he would already be there, poor guy. he waited for us for an hour. he's the youngest of the group but he lectures us like a priest. as expected love and i got a lecture on tardiness among other things.

past 4.30 and puds is still not there. sigh... so we talked about what we've been doing. me stuck in this job. he's still reviewing for cg. he had the foresight to shift to nursing while we were all on 3rd year in econ. agreed life is not as easy as we all thought it was. he asked me about the the text about a few days ago. asked me who. why i was asking about such and such. told him flat out it's not open for discussion. not talking about it. he can be persistent but he left that alone. i felt guilty for being harsh. after all, i may have woken him up in the middle of the night and he did help me out then. but i don't want to cry and i'm sure i don't want to discuss something painful in a mall-full of people. got a text from tin that she is on her way. finally, but we both knew it's going to take some time until she gets there.

puds arrived in her usual breathless way. she's been running because she's late. nestor of course is not going to let that pass. 'you haven't changed tin but at least your'e only an hour late this time.' he proceeded to tell puds he was early as usual and that i was 20 minutes late. we decided to go to the glorietta's food court and wait for valdz there. we caught up about what has been going on in each other's lives. tin has quit ps. me saying i want to do that too. she said to stay. talked about how good the stocks were doing. asked her if she sold before she quit. nope. she never got around to activating her account. too bad. nestor felt out of the loop. doesn't know what we're talking about. we talked some more. life. work. love. and the lack of all of the above. how we all wish we were all still students. how pagsisisi is laging nasa huli. we would've have done things differently. talked about family, plans for the future, directions or lack of it. it seems that he has his life planned out so puds and i said why not map our lives for us as well.

valdz finally arrived. we berated him for a few minutes for not informing us earlier. asked him why he's leaving for that place. same reason as everyone else who goes out of the country. yeah life sucks here. we noticed how we were wearing color coordinated tops. puds and i wearing white tops while both of them wearing yellow. funny we didn't even talk about it. we reminisced about old times, talked about how love and pres ended up together and we not knowing about it. how they were not expecting it. i got to know before they all did and i have a pretty good idea of how it may have started. well we all do. but we all agreed we would pound pres to pieces if he played around. so pres watch out. we had dinner at teriyaki boy. couldn't recall all the things we talked about over grilled chicken, beef and tofu steak. but puds decided she's not going to get married. live in maybe but that's it. she and i both concurred that we are disillusioned when it comes to love and men. the guys being guys said we haven't met enough to reach that conclusion. duh, like knowing them is not enough to disillusion us already. however we all laughed and wondered what to do if she suddenly starts sending out wedding invitations a few years from now.

we decided to call love later. she's the only one missing from the group since she works in naga. we wondered if the 5 of us will ever be completed. we've always been together most of our college days that is unless the 2 guys were chasing skirts. we wagered on whether valdz would inform us when he's coming home. told valdz he better because i'll bet on he will but if he didn't he would pay for the wager. we joked about who's gonna do the dishes if our money is not enough to pay for the food. we all decided nestor would probably do a good job of it.

we talked about our jobs. what's good about it. the benefits. what sucks. yeah quite a lot. how most job opportunities you see in newspapers these days are call center jobs. why or how we econ majors end up working here. how everyone thinks working in a call center is an easy job when it's actually not. why everyone thinks you only have to know how to speak english to be here. well that's one but it's not only that. can you imagine working on the mangingisda shift,as puds would put it, while the rest of the country is in lala land? we also talked about how difficult it is to find a job you really like to do. some of us envied stars, they must like what they're doing, right?

we paid our bill and decided to go to greenbelt. we ended up sitting on the grass outside the chapel. there is some sort of performance inside by one of the groups that hold charismatic activities there. we pondered how our religious life has improved or deteriorated. we still attend mass. though not as often as we would like to. nestor being a former altar boy shared a sermon that he heard. he wants us to answer the question asked by the priest, "what is your greatest ambition?" everyone is like 'ok what is it?' we're too eager to know the what but we don't want to bother answering the question ourselves. must be a tough question to answer. since he won't let up i told him mine is (1) get married (2) have children (3) get divorce (4) live happily ever after. alright so i'm being a wise ass. if the priest heard that he won't be too happy. giving up on the three of us, he said that a man's greatest ambition should be to be the best person he can be regardless of who he becomes. he said it's corny. the 3 of us agreed it is. it's a cliche but we get the point. puds and i used to joke that if we come close to any church we just might burst into flames. but seriously we all like being catholics. there may be some things we don't like about it and some of us may not be as pious but deep inside we know. it's like your family. no matter how far away you go. you always come back to them.

nestor suddenly blurted out that i was too warm. asked me if i was sick? i should've answered "in the mind, yes." then he said something like, "you must be ovulating." wtf. leave it to this guy to leave us all speechless. we called love from valdz's phone. my phone's battery decided to quit of all nights it had to be on that night. all 4 of us here tried to cram how-have-you-beens in a few minutes before her load runs out. then pres called as well. another kumustahan. haven't seen him for some time. the last time we saw each other was at the bus station. he just got off from the bus that took him from baguio to naga while i was just about to board the bus that would take me back to manila.
it was getting late. i was suppose to go with pia to a party at grilla but the phone being dead and dragging my feet to that party have lost it's appeal. it's nice being with them again considering it's so hard to even gather all 5 of us together. but having all four of us together is a miracle in itself. felt like i traveled in time and got caught in a nice time warp. captured a little piece of my naivete and idealism even if it was only for a brief moment. felt like stealing a part of my growing up years because tommorrow we have to go back to the rat race. it was fun while it lasted. we all decided to take puds offer to crash her place. watch lost on dvd or do videoke.

even way back our college days, we always hang out at tintin's place. we eat our merienda there. they live just beside ateneo. that is why it is a great unsolve puzzle as to why she would always be late considering she lives nearby =_) seriously we would spend our time there when we're too noisy to stay in the library. having the rest of our batchmates in the library is even worse, we're a rowdy bunch. we get our homeworks done mind you, we copied assignments usually from love who's quite reliable on remembering them. that is how we learned paraphrasing. we don't want to end up with identical answers and arouse suspicions.

this time we were in pud's new place which is just here in makati. we did not end up watching lost on dvd but we watched a movie. couldn't recall the name but it was all blood and gore and i remember closing my eyes and swearing everytime someone's body part got severed or crushed to a messy pulp. we spent most of the night and early part of the morning calling down rain (read: videoke). the neighbors were pretty lenient. so far no one threw any rocks or bombs at tintin's place. if it rained on some parts of the country that day, it wasn't my fault. i didn't hog the mic, did i? valdz, tin and i sung like crazy (parang bawal na kumanta bukas). puds have a headstart considering she owns the magic mic err... magic sing and have had a lot of vocal practice more than we do. at some point valdz thought he was ricky martin but we let him be. after all he is leaving for dubai and we don't know if they have videoke bars there. nestor pretended he was disgusted with the rest of us. but early in the morning when all 3 of us have exhausted our voice to hoarseness, he was singing emo songs that normally would not end up on my play list. but we all end up singing the chorus with him anyway. hoarse voice or not we fought over the mic until we're croaking, too tired and sleepy to sing. when we have sung nearly all songs on the list and when we're pretty sure the neighbors must be cursing us in their sleep, we watched that movie. valdz took some pictures but i'm sure i look like a zombie. if he ever forwards us a copy of it, i'll post it here. we decided to spend the night there. we slept for a few hours only and left before 7am. we promised to get in touch and maybe do it all again.

after i got off the cab in front of landmark, i felt a sense of loss. will we ever get together like that again? all five us hopefully. but we are moving on with our lives. i will be going back to work that night. back to that hellhole that has become my life. now it felt like those few hours were just a reprieve. something to look back to whenever the rains that passed into my life have turned. themselves to tropical storms.



There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. -Nelson Mandela

25% of the time, i write mostly to please myself. 30% to please others and 45% just to let it all out before i poison myself with these thoughts. i was (and still is) never good with expressing myself verbally. to compensate for that lack in verbal ability, i try to put into writing the things i could not say.

writing gives me more time to think of words i want to 'say' than talking. i can always erase what i don't want to see in print. with talking, it's harder to take back what has been said.

i know i write ambiguously because i Am. often i don't make any sense, because I fell asleep when God doled out sensibility. but i want to be understood...at the same time the dark side of me wants to be misunderstood. within me are forces fighting for dominance. forces going on opposite directions. i am often torn apart. these days, i am frequently pulled into the other side. my mind is filled with nothing but Darkness. i am both thrilled and scared out of my wits. i am drugged by the heady sense of it. my heart pounds and my blood boils. adrenalin. i have never felt so alive... in a darker sense.

within me, i know i am swimming in poison. like swimming in an ocean full of of jellyfish and sharks. but i can't move too much. because the more i move the more i get stung and the more i attract the attention of the sharks.

my writing is my chronicle of my psyche's flirtation with darkness while trying to not lose sight of the Light. it is trying to put all the realities existing in my brain into some concrete form. it is trying to make sense of my madness, of my struggle to find my bearing. my writing allows me to get in touch with the baser side of me, to understand it before it overwhelms me. it is about my fascination with the Dark simply because I was created by Light.

my writing is the testament to my existence. i write therefore i am... here. or so i think...



To Eva: Welcome to my thoughts ! i still write lots of crap cherie. so nice to hear from each other again. been so long ja? i miss seeing the envelopes, the stationaries ... seemed so long ago. thanks for dropping by and comment like crazy ok? same as always...anything goes.

a walk in atheism

if i hate You, will You hate me back?
if i forget You, will You erase me from your memory?
if i walk away from You, will You come after me?

i don't want to believe in You.
You failed me.
You lied to me.
were You ever there beside me?
You said You are,
i have Prayed...desperately
but i don't feel You here.
have You abandoned me?
gave up on me?
they said You're not that type.
but where are You?

my voice is hoarse from calling out.
damn You...
i am on my knees,
i am begging...
for a little bit of mercy.
my heart hurts.
stop it.
stop it now.
must you squeeze it?
until it's drained of life, of love
until it's blue and black.
until nothing remains but pure pain,
and an all consuming hate.

do You like me to suffer?
watch me watch her suffer?!
Perve...
if You're going to take her away,
why take her this way?
why hurt us all?
if You're all powerful, take It away.
make It go away.

i want to hate You.
i don't want to believe in You.
i want to turn my back on You.
i want to despair.but you made me like this...
a fool...
who will continue to hope.
but if i lose her, will i ever forgive you?
will i cross over to that which has always beckoned to me
Your greatest foe, Darkness.
that which has fueled my Anger, my Resentment, my Loathing, my Despair, my Doubt
i will live and breathe hell on earth
destroy myself...Your vessel.
a sacrilege.

this is my day of blasphemy.
the day i lost Faith and entertained Doubt.
welcomed Despair and let go of Hope.
embraced Darkness and closed my eyes to block out Light.
This is my Fall.
But
will you disown me because of what my tortured soul has told my hands to write?

the other night, i woke up crying.
today i felt like my fears have finally caught up with me and i have no escape.
it doesn't matter which turn i take,
it's waiting at every corner.
it's useles to fight.
in the end i have always known that it will take us all.
it's so hard to breathe.
i must be suffocating...
i am so helpless, i can only cry.
i want to go home.

if it takes me,
if it touches anyone dear to me,
my soul will be plunged in darkness.
i will walk in Darkness...
i will be Hate...
i will embrace darkness and hate.
i will be consumed by Night
i will be forgotten by the Light.

love.

that scourge.

tell me why i need to feel it when everybody i know becomes miserable because of it?
it makes intelligent people act stupid and sane people act foolish.why engage in something that doesn't even follow any kind of logic?
why risk yourself on something that is more unpredictable than the weather or the stock market?why gamble your heart over something that none of you may not even come out the winner?
why love?
why fall in love?
what happens after the free fall?
you hit the hard ground.
you bang your head.
you wake up.
when is love enough?
when to stop?
can you stop?
should you stop?

i have watched friends fall,
slowly and then too hard.
gambled and lost, gambled and won
only to let it all slip away in the end.
they say "in baking follow directions, in cooking go with your taste."
i'm not sure if this same rule holds true for this game.
do you follow your brain or your heart?
when to fight for it?
how do you know when to let go?
how would you know it's really right, when everyone tells you it's wrong?
but your heart insists it's right.

i am just too traumatized by what i see.
i have enclosed my heart.
that coward,
that shivering fool.
trapped by cowardice and fear.
i will be haunted by endless regrets.
until then...
i will hurt.
until then...
i will love,



secretly...

this is the calm after the storm.
clear skies
silence
numbing stillness
as if yesterday never happened.

yesterday:
the winds howled, raged
rain poured
like it would never stop.
i was wet and cold
until i could not feel anything anymore.

reminded me of the time
i was cold...down to my bones
not from any gust of wind.
wet...but not from a single drop of rain.

now it feels like
you were never Here.
like the storm
you had moved on...

you were my raging storm...
with you around i self destruct
i fight to live
i struggle to breathe
but... i am alive.

without you
i wilt
i despair
i asphyxiate
i slowly cease to BE.

so now my life:
is still
my heart:
numbed from cold
my eyes:
are always awash with tears.
my mind:
is full of memories, of still life images
every cell, every nerve screams:
no one else...
but you.

chaos theory

right. how inappropriate to name this happyvanny. i am sorry. i never meant to mislead... i have never written anything about happiness. i am counting miseries rather than blessings. i cannot see beyond the gray. i can never get past this blackness. i don't think i will ever be warm.

there isn't much to be happy about in my life these days. i understand there are people who are in more painful situations than i am. but that fact does not lift this cloud of doom that is hovering over me. i feel like i am waiting...waiting for the ax to fall. or maybe it has... and i am just running around like a headless chicken.

i don't know anymore. maybe this is the calm before the storm. beneath the stillness, a raging force - waiting for the right time to unleash a long suppressed fury. i am torn between holding it all in and just letting it all go. but i fear the aftermath more than the explosion. i don't know if there will be anything left...of me.

but the temptation to lose sanity... and to give in to this madness is becoming more overwhelming. i am losing my senses. i am floating in a sea of madness. there is no beacon of light, no shore. just an endless sea of madness. i am caught in a riptide i am too weak to swim against. i am being swallowed whole. the more i fight, the more i lose. the more i struggle, the faster i sink. i am hovering between hysteria and full fledge panic. i am losing my grip. i am slipping away. damn it...

i don't know anymore. i don't want to know anymore. i don't want to think. the more i think, the more i hurt. the more i hurt, the more i hate. this is my self inflicted hell. the more i stall, the more i am torn apart. torn apart by my desire to fight and my desire to be passive. i am sick... sick of my indecisiveness, my predilection for self pity and my predisposition for self destruction.




but i will gladly sink.
i will happily give in.
i will be tempted.
i will...



if you promised to meet me at the bottom.

i am restless.
...flighty...
i am trapped in a cage.
i have always wanted escape.

it's been 3 years
staring out of this hole.
sun up...
moon out...
still in here.
waiting for rescue
that never came.

the longer i stay here
the harder to breathe,
the harder to hope ,
even harder to imagine
what life would be like
outside these walls.

must get out
the first chance i get.
when that door opens,
seize chance...love...life...

for someone who loved and lost
to time and fate
.

you'd think periods signal the end of everything.
i did too.
but if you look closely.
it is actually ambiguous.
it signals the end, yes.
but also the beginning.

so when you're ready, wipe away the tears.
look beyond the dot.
then start writing again.
it's crazy but life goes on.
when the world turns,
just roll, and go with the flow.
the journey may seem long.
but when the time comes for the final statement.
make a big D-O-T.

pocket change II: the dark truth

went home late on september 1st. i've been at the office for more than 30 hours already. doing some 'clean up' work, doing nothing, surfing, chatting with my niece and more surfing. i went home past 10pm.

it was a warm night. no rain. there were few people on the street. i passed through paseo de roxas again. as i neared the AIM, there at the corner, were the same two kids i passed by one rainy night. i did ask for a second chance. i got it. i was sad, disgusted and perhaps a little mad...

if you were a decent parent would you let your kids beg on the street? at this time of the night? as i neared them, i noticed the backpack. they were not dressed grubbily. the girl approached me, she asked for pamasahe (fare) again. she was lucky i had more change this time. i gave her two five peso coins. i don't know if they recall seeing me from a few nights before. it's sad knowing some people use kids for mendicancy. it's sad that this story must end like this...

i recall a short story that we discussed way back in fourth year highschool. it's actually one of the reasons why i don't usually give money to street kids. i forgot who the writer was. someone named francisco. i could not recall exactly. he said something like, "For every penny you drop onto a beggar's palm, you degrade him of his dignity."

counting the amount i have already dropped onto those kids pocket...thirteen. what a (un)lucky number. for a mere thirteen pesos, i have sunk them lower into the pit they are currently in. i have robbed them of their dignity. i have encouraged them to continue begging and maybe to never rise from their current state. i might have bound them to that fate.

life sucks. what is wrong? what is really right? maybe i will see them again. i hope not...wo hen lei...

i told you i loved you
but you laughed it off.
you said:
you and your funny jokes
have just made my day.

well i hope i did
because you have just made mine.
i wished:
i had kept my silence,
maintained my distance.

instead i told you:
yes what a joke.
but i choke on every syllable that left my lips.
every word was tasteless in my mouth.

i will never learn.
you will never understand.
i don't know when to stop.
and we will go on as before.

i know you will never see me.
even when i am in front of you,
you have always look beyond.
when i speak, you never listen.

i am caught in a spiral.
the faster it spins the deeper i go;
the stronger the pull...
the harder to let you go.

pocket change

it rained last night. just a slight drizzle. enough to annoy someone who had to walk without an umbrella from the corner of paseo de roxas to ayala.

i met two kids. a girl and a boy. probably aged 9 and 7 respectively. i didn't bother to ask. i didn't bother, which is the main problem. the girl was holding the umbrella. the little boy with a backpack is probably her little brother.

as i approached them they turned to me. the girl said, "pahingi po. pamasahe lang pauwi." something like "may i ask money for our fare home. "

as i was walking towards them, i had an inkling that they would probably ask something like that. i had been approached by teenagers along my way to ayala terminal for money too. i also wondered what two kids would be doing there at dark. i don't know if there are other puj's passing by that area aside from the makati loop service.

the point is i was asked. i was surprised...a little...that my hunch was correct. i don't normally engaged on any conversations with strangers on a dark street. but these are little kids so i stopped.

i stopped. and i check my jeans pocket and i found three peso coins. that was all my jeans hold at that time.

flashback to my conversation with shobe, 30 minutes ago. i asked her for my pamasahe (fare) to go to work. i had to haggle until she gave the money to me. coins - a couple of of five peso, a few one peso and some twenty-five cent coins. it wouldn't even total to twenty but it's enough to get me to work and back. now in front of the two kids. i was at a dilemma...

i gave them the coins from my pocket. then without ever looking back, i walked away. every step i took i felt like a scum. i could have given them more but i held back. they will stand in the rain. until another person passed by and gave them a few more to get them home. i could only wished they didn't have to wait long.

as i walked away farther and farther into ayala avenue, my conscience could not be silenced. it was dark and wet. the drizzle is starting to turn into something more. but i didn't turn back. instead i put on my id and went into the building. there were still two kids standing somewhere in paseo. waiting for someone to give them a few more coins so they could get home. because i didn't give enough.

i felt like a failure. like i failed a major test. after preparing for the minor ones and passing them, here comes the big one, the major test i have always prepared myself for - but i failed. i weighed the things on my mind, and my selfishness tipped the scales on my favor. i could have dug through my bag and gave them some of the coins in my purse. i could have but i didn't. then maybe someone at the office could probably loan me a couple of bucks if i ran out of money. but i didn't turn back. i have always written that we live with our choices. that was mine. but i couldn't live with it. everytime i think of it, bile rises to my throat. have i become as coldhearted as the rest on this side of the world? i have.

i wish i could turn back time. do it all over again. do it differently. pick a different choice. some people are so lucky they get a second chance. but for some like me, we live with the might-have-beens and wait until our conscience become silent. until then, we must prowl this darkness for that tiny flicker of light...we hope...

i think i did bit off more than i could chew. i should have shut my big fat mouth before i stuck my cute dainty little foot in it. but i didn't. it's here so now its too late...

i can't turn back time. i can't go back to what i was before. to what things were before. i'm here. it's here. i am my own undoing. i would have to grit my teeth and live with this choice. i have to accept the fact that some people have to move on while i must remain in inertia. that everyone has to move on with their lives at some point. then i have to face the fact that there will be a 'now' in a not so distant time, that i will be forced to move on, to let go... no matter how much i abhor leaving or changing.

unintentionally i have spilled the milk, someone has cried over it. i didn't. i mourned over the loss of something else. no point in mourning over something that can never be reconstituted.

like flowers that die in winter, i would have to wait for spring. but spring is a long time coming. there is no reprieve for me...at least for now.

this is my winter. around me everything is beautifully dead in white

current occupation: night walker

my first night on the graveyard shift since... alright let's not get into that lest someone gets jealous (that i had been happily co-existing with normal human beings for the past years).

i had been happily living as a daywalker until i agreed to this... i don't know what got into me. i am normally logical but this decision took me by surprise. until now i am not sure whether i should even be here. but i am already here. so i guess there is no point reflecting on the what-ifs. it is futile, a waste of time

...hmm... i have given up my vampire days... or so i thought. now i am back where i was before. thanks to ed. maybe its his revenge for all the supe calls i gave him in the morning shift. however i have yet to get a taste of blood... i must bid you adieu as i commence my Hunt...

so you ask: why did i change my blog?

well there's no complicated answer to that. i just got tired of looking at the other one. i still have a link to it here. i just wanted something simple. my life is complicated enough as it is even without a boyfriend (that's not a complaint...hmm...on the other hand...) now seriously, about the change of blog, i just feel like changing it.

so i got tired of looking at green stuff and i wanted to go back to basic black. it's not like i don't like green. i still do. it's one of my favorite colors. does that say something about me? like so what if i have a green mind, a black heart and a dark soul? sigh.. how sad... =_)

seriously, i needed a change. i wanted to shed the old 'skin.' the old blog has a childish feel to it. playful. it doesn't feel like me anymore.

i honestly don't even know what 'me' feels like. i omitted 'real' because right now i can't tell the 'real' from what isn't. i'm not schizophrenic. just lost. like some people.

so it's pitch black where i am. but for now, i find the darkness more comforting than the paleness of white....

Astro Report

Dear happyvanny,

Here is your horoscopefor Sunday, August 6:

The line between work and play gets blurrier and blurrier. Who knew you could have so much fun on the job? Take note of the factors that are coming into play right now. This situation is eminently repeatable.


oh my gawd! i hope my astrology report is not referring to my experience the. other. day.

i feel like i have a bad hangover. but i didn't even drink last night. i guess that makes it even more pathetic. my body felt like i ran with the bulls in pamplona last night and got trampled big time. i should be dead, if that were the case, but it's not. so i guess i have to be thankful for some things. i don't know about you psyche. But here's my ten cents on what we did yesterday which i seriously hope never to repeat again unless i have some serious memory lapse about this experience; which i will now chuck into the most recessive part of my brain and label it as traumatic together with my other traumatic experiences which included being ran over by a pajero (yes, not a bull). but that's another post for another rainy day.

anyway, between running with the bulls in pamplona and volunteering for HR, forget it! i'd rather run with the bulls... oh wait...scratch that... i'd take webhosting calls anytime. it's safer and less traumatizing. working for HR in the call center industry is like trying to outrun a cheetah. it's a headache just thinking about the quota and it becomes a splitting headache when you don't make the quota.

imagine this, i called more or less than 400 people from ilocos down to cebu just to find 40 willing, able and qualified people to take an exam the next day (saturday - which is today). of course i didn't even know i was calling someone who was in ilocos or cebu. they just happened to mention it during the call and that takes them off my list of eligibles. for sure they won't be able to make it the next day, duh. neverTHEless you'd think that in the 400 it would be peanuts to get anyone to take the d*mn exam right? after all, unemployment rate is quite high (but then when has it ever been low?). but getting someone to take an exam much less ANSWER their d*mned phones is not as easy as eating a slice of a yummy blueberry cheese cake.

it was so darn FRUSTRATING, i almost wept. yes, almost because i was too tired to even consider crying. BUT, why won't these people answer their d*mn phones?! if you're not going to answer your friggin' phone, don't even think of having one. Grrrrrrr... annoying to the 10th level. Out of the 400 or so i think 70% would not answer. I was so sick of hearing the same b*tch from saying 'the subscriber cannot be reached. please try your call later.' that's right you'll never be rich (pun intended) unless you answer this call. hey i am offering a chance to get you a job, comprenez?
the work is repeatitive and mindless. keshi hen nan le. you'd think it was easy but it's not. it's true, there is no such thing as an easy job. how sad to finally realize that.

my brain, i think, has atrophied. although there were times, i'd laugh myself silly because of my foolishness and mistakes like dialing the wrong phone number (the person i'm speaking with would say you're looking for who??? or how did you get this number???) duhhh.... i wouldn't waste my breath on you dude trying to explain it was an honest mistake made by one of my overworked fingers. sometimes i almost said i'm from aortlengk rather than from pee esh (go figure). psyche has a real nosebleed for a seatmate and i can't help but laugh everytime i hear her say 'nosebleed' out loud. the poor guy doesn't even know she's referring to him. clueless. i'm glad i wasn't seating beside him or it would even be harder to concentrate. i'd be listing down every nutty thing that would come out of his big loud mouth. really the guy is a pain in the cute behind (disclaimer: i didn't say mine). my two other seatmates would mutter under their breath as well everytime nosebleed utters something so out of character for an HR rep (even if we're only pretending). but whatever his style is, it was effective than what the rest of us were doing because he went home earlier than the rest. ok so maybe we're just a bit jealous. but just a little... give me a break...

now, before we actually dial the applicant's phone number, we have to punch several numbers first and then a 5-digit number after. so my forefinger, i believe, is now a few millimeters shorter than what it was a few days ago. my forefinger's nail is so traumatized by the experience, i now have a bandage around it. first aid treatment.

i went to sleep without having dinner because i was too tired to cook. and so i woke up today with a humongous appetite which i wasn't able to satisfy because i was late for my mandarin class (not the first time). our laoshi, who for several class meetings have claimed to have forgotten how to speak english, was not that late this time. he arrived a few seconds after i did. in fact, he arrived while i was just about to drift off into dreamland again. so i wasn't that late. suncy, my only classmate in this class, was there already.

my brain refused to register what laoshi was saying. shuoyi wo he liang beizi de kafei keshi wo hen kun le. i can barely keep my eyes open. wo hen lei. but i think i should've drunk kekoukele.
and to end this i will leave you this quote:


A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.- Burt Bacharach


zai jian

feel so helpless
when i look at you mom
tears falling
down your pretty face

are you in pain
where does it hurt

but what i really want to ask
are you afraid
that night will come
and take you away

i feel so helpless
i'm sorry mom
i don't know what to do

how i wish that my kiss
will take away that pain
and my hug
will bring back that smile

what i'd like to see
a flicker of hope in your eyes
so i'll knowthat everything will be alright

do not go gentle into that good nightrage,
rage against the dying of the light.

- dylan thomas