...good news ...and...bad news...

i forgot to mention my mom has a new wheelchair. whoopee! no thanks to me but thanks to mrs. milla. i don't know how she heard but so very very very grateful to her considering how my siblings and i have considered getting mom one. that's one less thing off our list.

i haven't seen my mom for a month now. the doctor said we should bring her to the hospital if her hemoglobin count does not improve this may. she's going to get a blood transfusion. my brother is the donor. i don't know what my blood type is. i hate blood.

speaking of which, i might and might not go under the knife. i've yet to get a mammogram. found two lumps. it's small. i was told i need a referral from our health care provider. i've been putting this off for some time. i just don't feel like dealing with it...yet.

after what my entire family went through with my mom, i don't feel like putting them through another roller coaster. it might just be nothing. i haven't told my parents about the second lump yet. no one knows except my sister and my cousin. but that may changed after this. news like this travel like fire. hopefully none of them goes online and reads this anytime soon. but my family is now predisposed to have a collective a panic attack at news like this. since both sides have terrible histories of this disease, i have to deal with it...soon.


and


i will...maybe on monday



In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

another scorching 36 degrees C outside. i sometimes sleep at the office because it's too hot in that box i live in. it feels like a sauna bath. 8 in the morning and already the heat is unbearable. imagine the temperature at 12 noon. the water from the faucet is lukewarm. so much for a cold baths. i can't wait for the rain. my temper is precariously short during the summer. must be the heat and all this humidity. i don't feel like making nice.

somebody once told me that for a mild-looking little thing, i pack too much angst. well, appearances can be deceiving.

for someone who claims to avoid violence, my pen spit fireballs. let me tell you, not all first impressions are accurate.

and

...yeah sometimes i scare me too.



The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.


-Robert Frost

ingrata

i'm sorry. i could not dredge up any sympathies. i could not even make myself pretend i care. when i heard it's something like my mom's, i just didn't care. i had too many things in my mind. too many dead people that preoccupied my time. too many living people still wasting my time. you must all be going through what we went through a year ago. BTDTFT. the world doesn't stop but i don't think you need me to tell you that. life goes on no matter how badly you wished it to stop. it didn't stop for me. it doesn't stop for anybody. it won't stop for you. best to get the truth out. tears will not cure anything. wishing it away will not make it go away. this is your reality. it would have to be dealt with. maybe not now, but sooner than later...you will. because time is ticking and time is something you don't have.

i'm sorry. i don't care. i have so much hate. so much angst. pent up anger. not for you. but don't turn to me for sympathies, because there isn't any here for you or for anybody. i don't mean to be cold. i don't mean to be sarcastic. i just don't want you to waste your time or mine. what made me like this? Death... it takes away the masks, the niceties... so that there is nothing left to hide behind. i have always complained that it's not fair. i have always been told that it never was. now we're on the same boat. i know you wished you were somewhere else. so does everyone else here on this boat. so maybe God has wicked sense of humor...and we're the butt of his joke.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster. - I saac Asimov

missed opportunities

i think i am falling out of routine.


i used to complain i was starting to have one when i begun to notice how we often seem to cross paths at paseo. early in the morning just as the sun is gearing up and starting to get hot. you - walking to wherever your office is (probably somewhere in ayala). i - on my way home. sometimes we'd cross paths in front of 711, or the old prudential bank which is now BPI, or in front of veteran's, or AIM. i seem to see you all over that place. heck i was starting to get used to it. we never spoke. not even a single word. we only passed each other by. but when i see you walking towards me, tall amid the rushing crowd, wearing your usual black shirt and jeans, your bulky mailbag that probably has your laptop; sometimes i smile. maybe i was the only one who noticed. you - you never seem to notice me at all.


now



i dread going home...
we rarely cross paths anymore.
one of us
must be falling out
of routine.







Nothing occurs at random, but everything for a reason and by necessity".
-Leucippus

tired as hell. spent my birthday working. it went as silently as it came. no fun. i am no fun. no ice cream. no cake. nothing. slept through it. i don't think i know what 'fun' is anymore. sure i laugh. empty-crazy-what-the-hell-am-i-doing-laugh.

last year was a crazy year. it's been one year since my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. it's been one year of suspended animation, misdirected anger, endless wandering, never ending WONdering, and i-can't-believe-i'm-still-here. yes still wondering.

still waiting for that ax to fall. still running around like a headless chicken. still where i was before. thought i have left but woke up a year later only to find out i merely dreamt it all. still stuck. my feet seemed glued to this place but my mind takes me some place nice when i dream.

still alone. surrounded by a noisy endless sea of humanity. and still alone. mostly by choice. alone. still. still. dream.




"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." An English Professor , Ohio University