pocket change

it rained last night. just a slight drizzle. enough to annoy someone who had to walk without an umbrella from the corner of paseo de roxas to ayala.

i met two kids. a girl and a boy. probably aged 9 and 7 respectively. i didn't bother to ask. i didn't bother, which is the main problem. the girl was holding the umbrella. the little boy with a backpack is probably her little brother.

as i approached them they turned to me. the girl said, "pahingi po. pamasahe lang pauwi." something like "may i ask money for our fare home. "

as i was walking towards them, i had an inkling that they would probably ask something like that. i had been approached by teenagers along my way to ayala terminal for money too. i also wondered what two kids would be doing there at dark. i don't know if there are other puj's passing by that area aside from the makati loop service.

the point is i was asked. i was surprised...a little...that my hunch was correct. i don't normally engaged on any conversations with strangers on a dark street. but these are little kids so i stopped.

i stopped. and i check my jeans pocket and i found three peso coins. that was all my jeans hold at that time.

flashback to my conversation with shobe, 30 minutes ago. i asked her for my pamasahe (fare) to go to work. i had to haggle until she gave the money to me. coins - a couple of of five peso, a few one peso and some twenty-five cent coins. it wouldn't even total to twenty but it's enough to get me to work and back. now in front of the two kids. i was at a dilemma...

i gave them the coins from my pocket. then without ever looking back, i walked away. every step i took i felt like a scum. i could have given them more but i held back. they will stand in the rain. until another person passed by and gave them a few more to get them home. i could only wished they didn't have to wait long.

as i walked away farther and farther into ayala avenue, my conscience could not be silenced. it was dark and wet. the drizzle is starting to turn into something more. but i didn't turn back. instead i put on my id and went into the building. there were still two kids standing somewhere in paseo. waiting for someone to give them a few more coins so they could get home. because i didn't give enough.

i felt like a failure. like i failed a major test. after preparing for the minor ones and passing them, here comes the big one, the major test i have always prepared myself for - but i failed. i weighed the things on my mind, and my selfishness tipped the scales on my favor. i could have dug through my bag and gave them some of the coins in my purse. i could have but i didn't. then maybe someone at the office could probably loan me a couple of bucks if i ran out of money. but i didn't turn back. i have always written that we live with our choices. that was mine. but i couldn't live with it. everytime i think of it, bile rises to my throat. have i become as coldhearted as the rest on this side of the world? i have.

i wish i could turn back time. do it all over again. do it differently. pick a different choice. some people are so lucky they get a second chance. but for some like me, we live with the might-have-beens and wait until our conscience become silent. until then, we must prowl this darkness for that tiny flicker of light...we hope...

i think i did bit off more than i could chew. i should have shut my big fat mouth before i stuck my cute dainty little foot in it. but i didn't. it's here so now its too late...

i can't turn back time. i can't go back to what i was before. to what things were before. i'm here. it's here. i am my own undoing. i would have to grit my teeth and live with this choice. i have to accept the fact that some people have to move on while i must remain in inertia. that everyone has to move on with their lives at some point. then i have to face the fact that there will be a 'now' in a not so distant time, that i will be forced to move on, to let go... no matter how much i abhor leaving or changing.

unintentionally i have spilled the milk, someone has cried over it. i didn't. i mourned over the loss of something else. no point in mourning over something that can never be reconstituted.

like flowers that die in winter, i would have to wait for spring. but spring is a long time coming. there is no reprieve for me...at least for now.

this is my winter. around me everything is beautifully dead in white

current occupation: night walker

my first night on the graveyard shift since... alright let's not get into that lest someone gets jealous (that i had been happily co-existing with normal human beings for the past years).

i had been happily living as a daywalker until i agreed to this... i don't know what got into me. i am normally logical but this decision took me by surprise. until now i am not sure whether i should even be here. but i am already here. so i guess there is no point reflecting on the what-ifs. it is futile, a waste of time

...hmm... i have given up my vampire days... or so i thought. now i am back where i was before. thanks to ed. maybe its his revenge for all the supe calls i gave him in the morning shift. however i have yet to get a taste of blood... i must bid you adieu as i commence my Hunt...

so you ask: why did i change my blog?

well there's no complicated answer to that. i just got tired of looking at the other one. i still have a link to it here. i just wanted something simple. my life is complicated enough as it is even without a boyfriend (that's not a complaint...hmm...on the other hand...) now seriously, about the change of blog, i just feel like changing it.

so i got tired of looking at green stuff and i wanted to go back to basic black. it's not like i don't like green. i still do. it's one of my favorite colors. does that say something about me? like so what if i have a green mind, a black heart and a dark soul? sigh.. how sad... =_)

seriously, i needed a change. i wanted to shed the old 'skin.' the old blog has a childish feel to it. playful. it doesn't feel like me anymore.

i honestly don't even know what 'me' feels like. i omitted 'real' because right now i can't tell the 'real' from what isn't. i'm not schizophrenic. just lost. like some people.

so it's pitch black where i am. but for now, i find the darkness more comforting than the paleness of white....

Astro Report

Dear happyvanny,

Here is your horoscopefor Sunday, August 6:

The line between work and play gets blurrier and blurrier. Who knew you could have so much fun on the job? Take note of the factors that are coming into play right now. This situation is eminently repeatable.


oh my gawd! i hope my astrology report is not referring to my experience the. other. day.

i feel like i have a bad hangover. but i didn't even drink last night. i guess that makes it even more pathetic. my body felt like i ran with the bulls in pamplona last night and got trampled big time. i should be dead, if that were the case, but it's not. so i guess i have to be thankful for some things. i don't know about you psyche. But here's my ten cents on what we did yesterday which i seriously hope never to repeat again unless i have some serious memory lapse about this experience; which i will now chuck into the most recessive part of my brain and label it as traumatic together with my other traumatic experiences which included being ran over by a pajero (yes, not a bull). but that's another post for another rainy day.

anyway, between running with the bulls in pamplona and volunteering for HR, forget it! i'd rather run with the bulls... oh wait...scratch that... i'd take webhosting calls anytime. it's safer and less traumatizing. working for HR in the call center industry is like trying to outrun a cheetah. it's a headache just thinking about the quota and it becomes a splitting headache when you don't make the quota.

imagine this, i called more or less than 400 people from ilocos down to cebu just to find 40 willing, able and qualified people to take an exam the next day (saturday - which is today). of course i didn't even know i was calling someone who was in ilocos or cebu. they just happened to mention it during the call and that takes them off my list of eligibles. for sure they won't be able to make it the next day, duh. neverTHEless you'd think that in the 400 it would be peanuts to get anyone to take the d*mn exam right? after all, unemployment rate is quite high (but then when has it ever been low?). but getting someone to take an exam much less ANSWER their d*mned phones is not as easy as eating a slice of a yummy blueberry cheese cake.

it was so darn FRUSTRATING, i almost wept. yes, almost because i was too tired to even consider crying. BUT, why won't these people answer their d*mn phones?! if you're not going to answer your friggin' phone, don't even think of having one. Grrrrrrr... annoying to the 10th level. Out of the 400 or so i think 70% would not answer. I was so sick of hearing the same b*tch from saying 'the subscriber cannot be reached. please try your call later.' that's right you'll never be rich (pun intended) unless you answer this call. hey i am offering a chance to get you a job, comprenez?
the work is repeatitive and mindless. keshi hen nan le. you'd think it was easy but it's not. it's true, there is no such thing as an easy job. how sad to finally realize that.

my brain, i think, has atrophied. although there were times, i'd laugh myself silly because of my foolishness and mistakes like dialing the wrong phone number (the person i'm speaking with would say you're looking for who??? or how did you get this number???) duhhh.... i wouldn't waste my breath on you dude trying to explain it was an honest mistake made by one of my overworked fingers. sometimes i almost said i'm from aortlengk rather than from pee esh (go figure). psyche has a real nosebleed for a seatmate and i can't help but laugh everytime i hear her say 'nosebleed' out loud. the poor guy doesn't even know she's referring to him. clueless. i'm glad i wasn't seating beside him or it would even be harder to concentrate. i'd be listing down every nutty thing that would come out of his big loud mouth. really the guy is a pain in the cute behind (disclaimer: i didn't say mine). my two other seatmates would mutter under their breath as well everytime nosebleed utters something so out of character for an HR rep (even if we're only pretending). but whatever his style is, it was effective than what the rest of us were doing because he went home earlier than the rest. ok so maybe we're just a bit jealous. but just a little... give me a break...

now, before we actually dial the applicant's phone number, we have to punch several numbers first and then a 5-digit number after. so my forefinger, i believe, is now a few millimeters shorter than what it was a few days ago. my forefinger's nail is so traumatized by the experience, i now have a bandage around it. first aid treatment.

i went to sleep without having dinner because i was too tired to cook. and so i woke up today with a humongous appetite which i wasn't able to satisfy because i was late for my mandarin class (not the first time). our laoshi, who for several class meetings have claimed to have forgotten how to speak english, was not that late this time. he arrived a few seconds after i did. in fact, he arrived while i was just about to drift off into dreamland again. so i wasn't that late. suncy, my only classmate in this class, was there already.

my brain refused to register what laoshi was saying. shuoyi wo he liang beizi de kafei keshi wo hen kun le. i can barely keep my eyes open. wo hen lei. but i think i should've drunk kekoukele.
and to end this i will leave you this quote:


A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.- Burt Bacharach


zai jian

feel so helpless
when i look at you mom
tears falling
down your pretty face

are you in pain
where does it hurt

but what i really want to ask
are you afraid
that night will come
and take you away

i feel so helpless
i'm sorry mom
i don't know what to do

how i wish that my kiss
will take away that pain
and my hug
will bring back that smile

what i'd like to see
a flicker of hope in your eyes
so i'll knowthat everything will be alright