Impulse: the PS 2007 Year End Party

@ Folk Arts Theatre
December 21, 2007

@ getting to the venue is like a trip to hell (now I know how it feels like). Friday traffic is the stuff of nightmares!
@ food is tres terribles
@ but the bands were great
- missed Up Dharma =( (because of the friggin' traffic)
- bamboo is soo hotttt (watching him dance makes me so hot rawr haha! )
- chito of parokya tried to get some of the PS crowd drunk by sharing beer with the audience (way to go man!)
- jay of kamikazee is drunk haha!
@ goodbye 2007






Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance. - Unknown

Life and a Can of Beer

I received this from my Auntie Melds who got this from her brother, my Uncle Bob ( is it just me or does everyone have an Uncle Bob?). I had a downer yesterday; but this story perked me up somewhat and made my grey matters swirl.

This is for those who have screwed up priorities ....
for those who are in limbo land...
for those missing the important things...the things that matter but due to annoying (some unforeseen) circumstances, have (temporarily) relegated the main stuff to the back burner.


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,

remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.


A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."




~Author Unknown~





Treat every day as if it were your last and one day you will be right.

When it rains, I hope it's margarita.

December 8
@ Dencio's

merry christmas, i could care less - fall out boy

i am having a Grinch moment and one can only blame PMS for so much. these past few days are reminiscent of the days after my mother's death. getting up is so hard to do. i'm grumpy, depressed, sarcastic, grumpy, depressed, sarcastic, grumpy, depressed, sarcastic... if that doesn't make my point clear, then i don't know what will.

for the sake of the kids, i promised to be nice. but turning into a Grinch is so easy than pretending to have the holiday jeer err...cheer. i thought getting my 13th month would lift my spirits up. but i didn't check my account till a few days later. so that must tell me something. if money can't work it's usual charm on this material girl living in a this material world, then i need another obsession... and fast.

i punished myself with dark chocolates and splurging thousands on books. oh my god i am so fucking depressed. but these chocolates are so fucking delicious let me worry about an expanding waistline in january. hello diabetes. i alternate between the highs of anger and the lows of depression. what a trip.

i wish i had an addiction. i want to get wasted. i wish i smoke. i wish i were an alcoholic. maybe i can work out my anger by blowing smoke circles in the air or getting piss drunk. but i can't stand the smell of cigarettes and i never was such a fan of beer. i am so doomed.

i just realized it's so hard to fake enthusiasm. it's so hard to feel better when everyone around you is so piss happy. if every sonofabitch is squealing with happiness. oh please, i am so going to gag.

i just want this bloody season to be over. please let it be over. i cannot wait for this bloody month to be over. i wish it were february already. this bloody month is starting to get on my bloody nerves and i am so bloody contemplating never showing up for work. i want go where there is no bloody christmas. wait, do they celebrate it in tawi-tawi? so help me god i am contemplating exile.


arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg..............................




............................................................pass me more of those chocolates






Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - Charles M. Schulz, (Snoopy)

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.- Unknown

agreeing with chacha to extend my agony for 1 more week is a big mistake. i should've asked for a later shift than 5 am (like that's gonna happen, but a girl can hope). but i don't know what's good for me so i agreed before my thought process finally recognized what an idjit i was.

i was late 4 out of 5 this week from 10 minutes to 4 hours. if that doesn't get me fired i don't know what will. hello final written warning. yesterday, i was more than 4 hours late. it was one of those days the Universe reminds you you're a girl. when i woke up with the cramps, everything went downhill after that. it couldn't have come at a better time when i have a very, very, very 早上 shift.

after taking pain killers, i went back to bed thinking i'll just lie down for an hour more just to let it pass. frankly, can't girls get a break when we're under the weather? boys get circumcised only once and i didn't choose to be a girl. so give me a break. i fell back to sleep and woke up with the phone vibrating next to my arm. my eyes popped open so fast and when i turned to the window; oh lookie sun is up. bloody hell. it's past 6am. almost 7.

i resolved to go to work early the next day. but you know what they say... the road to hell is paved with good intentions. so is mine. i was still more than 4 hours late. i asked my brother if he heard the phome alarm. he said he did. it was so loud. i didn't hear it. he said i turned it off. crap. i don't remember doing it. crap. crap. i need cymbals banged next to my ear to wake me up.






I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. - Unknown

if you find yourself at the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang in there.

so too this day will pass, like the other days. i don't want to pause and think about it. or i would break down and cry. so i passed the day working. because when i work, then i don't think about anything but work or the puzzles i have yet to solve. it blocks out everything i refuse to think about.

i thought about taking a leave. but i think too much. i might kill myself agonizing over the what-ifs if i stayed home. so i decided that taking supe calls from annoyed customers is the lesser evil.

but i still want her back. nothing is ever the same without her. 7months of just drifting on an endless sea, a boat tossed about by waves with nowhere to anchor, no lighthouse. 7 grey months that would drag on to more grey months.

after she was gone, i stopped caring about living. i was preoccupied with death. all consuming doubt. all consuming hate. i hated living when there is nothing to look forward to. no home to go to. no fallback. no one to comfort you when you're down. no one to pick you up when you hit rock bottom. i hated to be alive when she is dead. i don't want to live.

i hated God. for letting it happen. for every painful thing she went through. for every pain we went through. for every thing we would miss about her - light, love, touch. for everything we lost when we lost her.

there is no christmas for me. we don't look forward to it. my brother doesn't want to celebrate it. because it's so weird to celebrate it without her. i have stopped believing in santa claus a long time ago. maybe i should stop believing in You too.

i don't want to believe. there are no miracles in this world for me. just misery. i hate it when You play favorites. so i lost it. just lost it. i harnessed that anger and turned it into a fury that ate everything that continued to want to believe. i want to stop believing because You failed me. so stuff Yourself somewhere the sun don't shine.

but i know i am not the first on this boat. You have surely heard the same complaints before. same rants, it's no news to You. so my being angry wouldn't have put a dent on your day. just on mine and the rest of the people who would have to put up with me. being bitch. growing bitchier.

but i was born, bred and raised Catholic. i may have gone through st. Aquinas' summa theologica because of some stupid debate. but i hate what i know. i hate what my brain refused to forget. i've been indoctrinated to know enough that pretending You don't exist doesn't mean You don't exist. there are some things that even science can't explain. You don't change just because i changed my opinion of You. You will still be there even when i am not. i hate losing especially against my own logic.

i don't want to love. because i don't want to hurt like this ever again. i don't want to go through this e-v-e-r again. love doesn't make everything better. somethings but not this. love is such a bitch when you are the one left to grieve. loss is paralyzing. love is so short, forgetting is so long.

but yesterday was her birthday. i may be mad at You but she taught me good. she believed in You. so i set aside my anger for the day. we may not see each other eye to eye these days, but there are a lot of things that i would do for her. 6 feet under or not.

so shoty and i met at greenbelt for the mass. i would have made it through the day - no breaking down, no tears; but the priest invited the celebrants to come forward for the birthday blessing. but mama, you have gone ahead. months ago. somewhere blessed.

she would have been 57 yesterday.

Happy Birthday

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

--- Tonight I can write by Pablo Neruda

Listen, to the song here in my heart

i was asleep when God was giving out voices like these. but this girl was wide awake. this is charice pempengco singing Listen by beyonce. naka pyjamas pa sya sa video na yan. nakaka tindig balahibo, she's sooo good for a 14 year old. brava




Too much of a good thing is wonderful. - Mae West

Civil Engineer Examinees for November 2007 will RETAKE the exam on January 12, 2008

so it's official. those who took the exam last november 17-18 for the civil engineering licensure exam will retake it. ***make face here***

i haven't seen the decision posted on the prc site or any of our local news channel's' websites. but i heard that it was announced over the tv on a local station.

my brother told me that he and wilbert just came from PRC and was was already informed that due to the statistical improbability of the results in geotech/hydraulics and structural design the examinees will have to retake those two subjects. he did say that design was easier than they expected since it's mostly specs and not much about the difficult stuff. they thought it was such a blessing and now it turned out to be a curse. since it looks like so many of the examinees were able to get exceptional scores on those two subjects, they will have to retake it.

statistical improbability my ass. (it's a statistical improbability that a virgin should conceive a child, but i don't think they'd count religion in this argument =)

there is of course the rumor that there is a leakage down south. if you want to know where the supposed leakage happened, read the comments here and here. they are so funny, i read them to pass the time at work. laugh trip talaga. someone said PRC - Philippine Retake Commission rawr! =) those poor kids...going out of their minds waiting for the damned results. and prc telling them to retake. ***curse like a sailor here***

so i guess you can expect the exams on geotech/hydraulics and structural design to be even more harder. if math was sooo annoyingly over the top hard. goodluck with design! too many formulas so little time.




Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. - James Magary

that was how it started. it just doesn't add up.

i was searching google for information about urchin but i keep getting directed to google web analytics. my frustration was so palpable i can taste it. ok so analytics is the new urchin but i really need urchin 3 information. unfortunately, that is what we're still using. we haven't even upgraded to urchin 4 or 5. very old school...i know, i know.

i was so pissed. going home at 2 am in the morning would do that to you. especially if you've been combing the net for hours and haven't found anything relevant, just websites trying to sell you their services to launch your website at the top of every search engine in the kingdom. rawr. i am so not looking for that.

so as soon as i arrived at the office and after 5 computer restarts (pesteng computer) i was seriously considering sending the computer overboard (read: outta the porthole errr the 32nd floor's window). i thought i was going to get the blue screen of death but finally it started to respond on the fifth restart and so my evil thoughts receded. amazing (sarcasm, sarcasm).

out of desperation i even emailed our senior quality engineer, but i only did that because i was sooo desperate and i hate being desperate. and honestly he scares me, i would have rather have myself burned at the pits and die but since even that is more painful than asking for his help so i sent the email. duh. the fact that i'm still breathing today can attest to the wisdom of that desperate act; but that is neither here nor there.

now my problem with urchin is how can you have more visitors than pageviews? my understanding was shouldn't every visit count as a pageview? since you'll be pulling up the site and pulling it up means you'll be pulling up a page from his site so that is a pageview, right? so i thought there must at least be one pageview per visit.

my searches last night were futile. but i got lucky today. it pays to play thestone. my searches finally directed me to a website that has a link to urchin info. not exactly urchin 3 (it looks like google have wiped out all documentaion regarding urchin 3 because i couldn't find any specific documentation regarding that version). but i found a documentation that compares the 3 versions - urchin 3, 4 and 5 and it does contain an answer as to why pageviews may not equal/exceed your number of visitors. it's right here:

Urchin 3
* Visitor tracking is done by incoming IP address only. There is no distinction between a visitor and a session.
* All MIME types except images (gif/jpg/png) are treated as pageviews.
* Pageview hits with a HEAD request type are logged as treated as actual pageviews.
* Pageviews are not required to count a visitor, so a request for a single image file could be counted as a new visitor. (-> ano daw? labo! but not necessarily a pageview? but it's a hit?)
*Hits with error codes of 404 or 5xx are considered legitimate visits and could increment the visitor count. (-> would it count as a pageview even if it's a 404 or 5xx?)
*Traffic->Hourly report and Tracking reports (e.g. Top Entrances, Top Exits) data is stored on a monthly basis, therefore the only report granularity is for a single month date range.


That was still too vague for me. But this website gave me the cincher:

Page View - The opportunity for a page to appear in a browser window as a direct result of a visitor's interaction with a website. The term "page" is used to represent the visitor's view of a website through the browser window. A page request does not guarantee that a visitor actually viewed the requested page. It only measures the opportunity for that page to have been delivered to the visitor. A page request will be valid even if the resource or information requested does not load to completion or otherwise become fully available to the requesting visitor. Pages may contain text, images, media objects or other online elements. However, only one page is counted per request. A request that is followed by an interstitial page (a page that appears in a separate browser window while a web page is loading), will only count as one page request. Cached pages (pages held in processor memory) are not counted in page-hit calculations, so as to have a system of measurement that replicates web log file data.


So now you know. Spread it around.


Ain't life grand when you get an answer for what you need. - I say so.




Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd. - Allan Goldfein

Between the wish and the thing life lies waiting. - Unknown

what did i say about waiting?

yes, it's such a bitch.

waiting for the CE board exam results is nerve-wracking. my brother had been losing sleep since monday. i've been losing sleep since he told me that his chances of passing is maybe 50-50. yeah how encouraging. he told me that math was the bloodiest. they weren't expecting it to be like that. (i don't know what they were expecting but i've always equated math with numbers. so did something happen with the numbers? i'm hoping they got sucked by some blackhole and they're never coming back - i wish). he said that situational probability is the pits. (i hate probability, permutation. i hate math period and it hates me back). design and geotech was ok. whatever OK means.

last week did not come up roses for me either. after accidentally deleting that site? i was so damn lucky jade wasn't on his rest day yet =)

on the lighter side, i finally cracked the abstract images of illustration. i didn't get the answer exactly but at least i have the quote from the images. of course the close is too broad but it's still better than having nothing.

on the downside, the last outside stone puzzle has been revealed and solved. and i still have 66 puzzles to go. i am starting to panic. panic. eeeeeekkk


there.


i feel so much better.


***sigh***


It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. - James Thurber

i don't think luck has anything to do with it

i finally had my sonomammography results explained to me 15 days after my ultrasound. last night i even dreamt about it. in my dreams i have a cyst on the underside of my left breast. that creeps me out. the first thing i did after i woke up was feel it. nothing there. whew. but the lump at 1 o'clock is there. i've had it for some time. no biggie. really. because if there's one on the underside that would make it two on my left. i was told that most breast cancers occur on the left. my mom's cancer was on the left and it was (almost) under her arms that is why we never noticed it until she told us because it was mostly hidden. now you have something to look out for.

my results said:

Assessment slash Recommendation:

BIRADS CATEGORY: 3

Distinct hypoechoic masses with suggestively benign (encircled by my doctor in blue) sonographic features, bilateral. Short-term follow-up by sonography ater 6 months suggested to monitor stability. Simple cyst, left.

According to the footnote on the results BIRADS category 3 means: Probably Benign Finding; Short Interval Follow Up Suggested.

the probably there gives me the heebie jeebies but my doctor says that they don't operate on them unless they are bigger than 20mm. it makes me happy that i don't have to go under the knife but it's unnerving to know that i'd be living with "distinct hypoechoic masses at 1 o'clock position(left) and at 3 & 4 o'clock positions (right) ranging from 3.6mm to 12.6mm."

the biggest is on my right at 4 o'clock. they could not be certain whether these are solid or cystic in nature due to lack of distinguishing characteristics. but i remember how i came to notice this lump on my right. i felt a little pain there after wearing bra with wires all day. upon checking it out i found the lump. i stopped wearing bras with wires after that. i don't have any illusions on living longer but why tempt the divil, roight?

the second biggest is on my left at 1 o'clock at 6.8mm. that one i've had it for some time. even before my mom notice hers. it's the only one noted as simple cyst. walls are distinct with no evident irregularity or solid component.

overall diagnosis - No features suspicious for malignancy seen.


i guess that means that i get to live a little longer. small reprieve.


yeah big deal.


let's see what happens in may for my next check up.




and if you're wondering why not a mammogram?

*Patients ages 25 years old and below are not subjected to mammography due to sensitivity of breast tissues to radiation and low incidence of breast cancer in these age groups.




"That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another.... "- Charles Schultz

everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

oh god i am so stupid.
cleaned out a 732Mb site

every webmaster's nightmare
now mine

somebody kill me now.

downloaded everything bawal
filezilla
explorer
because i.ftp is fucked up
when downloading directories

desperate times
even more
desperate measures

i'm stuck downloading the files from back up
until god knows when.

then i still have to edit the site from frontpage
because it was built in frontpage
and then reupload the files again

but it doesn't like uploading that much files
i can just see it timing out


oh yeah


it's gonna take forever
and ever
ever
.

damn
double damn
triple damn


arrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!



there are nightmares you never wake up from

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it - e.e. cummings

it's been six months today since my mom passed away. while i was in naga, my father and i argued about the babang luksa. it's the official end of the mourning period. one year later.

i argued because don't feel like celebrating it or marking anything. i don't care what others think. fuck them.

i'm happy she is no longer in pain. i don't want her to suffer. but i want her back. i want her back before she got sick. but wishing and wanting doesn't count after the fact

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)



--
e.e. cummings "i carry your heart with me"

life is like a roller coaster ride

by next week i'll be having a new work schedule. i'm not sure if its a boon or a curse. all i know is it means i can sleep until lunch time and still have enough time to go to work. but it also means that by the time i go home, it would be too late to ring anyone much less watch tv. no weekends off either, which is a bummer.

but at least i'll be able to squeeze an appointment with my doctor. it seems she only works in the morning. hmm, that doesn't perk me up.

i'm feeling restless again. i'm in one of those flight modes that says " i want to get out of here!"

...but then i have no idea where to go.



i did say waiting is such a bitch.

and it looks like i would even have to wait longer. my ultrasound results were released last november 9. it was picked up by my doctor's secretary and she did not even tell me. i went to makati med's breast clinic last monday and waited for more than 2 hours just to be told that. by the time they finally managed to trace where my results went, it was too late to schedule another appointment with my doctor because she went home early. duh!

i don't understand why they don't save these information on their computer. if it was, it would've made searching easier - just a click away. for such a big hospital, they can't manage to store these things on their computers. they need a better IT consultant.

i'm glad i'm done with my breast sonogram, i overheard one of the attendants say they're booked solid until december 17. unbelievable. if i ever need one next time, i'll have it done in naga.

i had mine last november 5 before i went home to visit my mother. it was kind of weird. they put a gel on this thing they put over my breast and you can see these weird lines on the monitor which i assume were my breast muscles or tissues. funny, there doesn't seem to be a lot.

but seriously i was nervous as hell. the gel was cold and every time the lady doc stops as if she's taking a picture of something, i can feel my heart skip a beat. 1.25cm what the hell is that. so i stop looking and just sang a long with hugh grant and whoever was singing along with him; their song was blaring across the speakers. neat.

i now wished i asked if i have "you know." but i was a little spooked then. now i'm more than a little spooked. thinking about it makes my stomach roll and all it's content seem to be on zero gravity.

speaking of gravity, while i stayed in my aunts house i discovered danny forster of extreme engineering. he is such a geek. but a cute geek. i watched the episode he made about roller coasters. it was amazing. now i know why coasters don't fall down while it's traversing the loop and what makes it go round the loop. mathematics, physics... yeah all those yucky stuff that riding it would be so much easier that trying to comprehend all the computations that explain how your coaster goes through all those twists and turns and loops.

he went to the Griffon's construction site in virginia while they were still building it. the guys on the site made fun of the host's fit designer jeans. what a very becky moment. danny couldn't think of a retort. that really cracked me up. and it's amazing how a massive steel coaster like that is supported by what, 53 A-beams or whatever? anyway, i don't think my stomach is up for that kind of ride - 205 foot 90° drop. there goes my lunch. what can i say, i'm not that brave.

if you want an old school roller coaster ride, there's the wooden roller coaster. for that he went to the construction site of the Renegade in Minnesota. compared to a steel coaster like the griffon this one has thousands of wooden support to keep it steady. but wooden coasters shakes like crazy when you ride them. to find out why, you have got to watch the episodes at discovery channel.

since these two roller coasters were still under construction, he couldn't ride them. so he went to florida to ride a steel coaster and a wooden coaster (gwazi) in the busch gardens. another discovery you'll make, he screams like a girl. haha!

but between riding these roller coasters and being a passenger of my cousin's driving, i'd take these roller coasters anytime.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved. - James Thurber

undas

before i slept last night i called shoty. he's the only one of the 3 of us who was able to go home and visit mama since my sister and i were stuck working. lala yin and papa were disappointed we couldn't go and so are we. i was looking forward to a graveside reunion with cousins and share scary stories with the younger ones to keep them awake for the rest of the night.


my brother said that it feels very unnerving that he's now visiting mother in the cemetery instead of another relative.


so i decided to go home next week and visit my mom. it's nice to visit just after all saints day since the cemeteries won't be so crowded. it will already be clean by then and the graves would still be sparkling white (most of it are painted white). my brother said that we should buy the lot being sold next to ours. but none of us have any money to buy it. i joked that we couldn't even buy our own house and lot; and yet we're gonna buy a cemetery lot! that cracked me up somehow.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. - Isaac Asimov

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. - Friedrich Nietzsche

"so how do you stop your good friend from falling in love with scheming, two-timing S.O.B?" that was the question i overheard someone ask another someone over lunch as i was dining on porkchop drowned in mushroom soup. let's say that question is based on the premise that the other party is a proven scheming, two-timing, sh*t-faced, lying S.O.E.

it was enough to make me smile as i chomp on my meal. yum... anyway, my answer is "you don't." haha! after this few people might call me friend. but it was an interesting enough question that i'm willing to set aside an afternoon of puzzling out linya ng pagtatanong (go figure) and devote my overworked fingers into trying to make some sense out of this nonsense.

love, falling in love or thinking-you're-in-love is a tricky thing. if there is such thing as a warning to be given to those who think they are in love, it should be "therein lies madness. pursue at your own risk." more often than not, people who fall into the love-sick category are too hard-headed to listen. they don't see anything too clearly beyond what they see through their rose-colored lenses. or maybe deep inside they know but they can't help themselves. it's like a yosi addiction, you promised to stop at 1 stick a day but then it's in your blood. so you end up having two, then three and then a pack a day. then you end up in hospital getting chemotheraphy to cure you of your addiction. but seriously, you can't save them unless they wanted to be saved. to use an analogy, a life raft is of no use unless the drowning person actually makes a grab for it. duh!!!

falling in love is like getting drunk on a good wine. the more you imbibe of it, the greater the chance you won't be sitting behind the wheel. the more you drink of it, the greater the hangover, the worse the headache. because it tasted so good you keep taking one shot after another. before you know it your friends would be telling you, "lasing ka na." and you keep saying "no i'm not" and then laugh hysterically at such nonsense. take more shots... and finally you puke. but puking is never a guarantee you will not drink again, it just means that you'll be counting shots or bottles next time. same with love. getting your heart broken several times, doesn't stop it from beating (for someone) again.

anyway, let's say that you can't stand seeing your friend make a total ass of himself/herself over this S.O.E. you can't stand having your friend being the butt of everyone's joke. you tell your friend how inappropriate/mismatch/unhealthy (etc, etc) the relationship is; after all the guy or the girl is a two-timing, snake-tongued, sh*t-faced S.O.E. still you can only hope that your friend's brain is still logical enough to process that information and strong enough to make a clean break. the decision would still be up to your friend. you can only dispense an advice.

i studied in a chinese school. i never even realized that some chinese families don't embrace intermarriages openly until the later part of my highschool. the stories i've heard are just painfully heartbreaking. the length into which some of these families would actually go to to prevent that can be uhhh...shocking. really... telenovela kind of plot in the making. parents warning daughters/sons of being disinherited, etc etc. does that stop the young ones from following their hearts? in some cases it does douse the flame enough to get them to their senses; but for some of those who are brave enough (not to pay heed), crash and burn. better to have loved and lost than not at all, right? bullsh*t, but you tell me because i've never heard of anyone walk away from it intact.

i'm sure you've heard the you-and-me-against-the-world thing. it's the kind of relationship i hope never to encounter or experience. it makes those involved very fatalistic. it's like a runway train. some people in this kind of relationship are only willing to see one side. short of divine intervention, i'd say goodluck and God bless to anyone trying to stop this.

i've heard one father who has a daughter say that he stopped whining because that seemed to encouraged the relationship even more. if its doomed to fail, it will fail even without anyone's help. those in this type of relationship have seen too much cheesy movies or koreanonovelas and will try to do anything to make it work. it's painful to watch but it's your friend's life. you can't live it for them. if they're between 14 and 16, start praying. but if they're over 18, they're old enough to run their lives and hopefully know what's right from wrong; and wise enough to understand that some things are not just meant to be and to force it would do harm than good. if their families cannot even put a stop to it, i'm not sure if even you could. some people just needed to see some things through it's end, maybe your friend is one of them. you can't stop people form getting hurt, maybe you can stop a few from getting hurt some of the time but not all the time. there are some things they have to experience for themselves and this is one of those. of course it doesn't mean you can't nag, you can nag and nag some and then nag some more. but if you're told to shut, shut up. save your breath.

i know a guy who actually dated this girl who treated him like dirt for 2 friggin' years, witnessed their public arguments and the girl cursed him like a sailor. OMG. i wanted to tell the girl, "you kiss your mother with that mouth???" this guy just took it. everyone wondered how he put up with it. talk about being pussy-whipped (excuse me). he finally saw the light but i cannot understand how he managed to put up with such abuse.

to go back to the question, can you stop your friend from falling into the wrong sort of relationship? it's so easy to say yes. but how far has your friend fallen? if your friend is too 'blind' to see, then you have your work cut out for you. there are no definite answers. there is no such thing as ceteris paribus in this arena. so many market forces at work that you might as well try moving heaven closer to earth. some people just don't like to be told what to do. so let them figure it out for themselves. one can only sustain the fantasy of making it work for so long. it's inevitable, but one way or another reality will set in.

if the airport is the great equalizer in the amazing race, then love is the great equalizer among men. the wise become stupid and the stupid ahhh...never mind. they say there is no right or wrong when it comes to love. but i'd say it depends on what side you're on. if you're in, i'd say your judgment is impaired. if you're an uninterested third party, then you better wipe that sneer off you face.

they said that the head was placed above your shoulder to rule over your heart. let me tell you as well that the world is round and it has no point. haha! wait till you fall in love and tell me if you can feel your head at all.






Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see. - Rabbi Julius Gordon

the doctor is IN

i just got back from my ob-gyne. my heart was literally in my throat. but since october being breast cancer awareness month, every newspaper and webpage i seem to be browsing is telling me to go see a doctor.

so today my friend kb and i went to maxicare to get a referral. since it is my first time, i agreed to have a doctor there for a check up. but after waiting for more than 30 minutes for my name to be called, i decided to ask for a referral instead. my nerves can't stand the waiting and my stomach has been empty since last night. its almost 1 pm.

after getting our referrals, we went to makati med. i almost ask kb not to leave me alone. she had an appointment with an eent on the second floor. i left her at the eent clinic but not before she jokingly said "gagawin mo pa akong nanay." i don't really feel like going alone to meet my ob-gyne. but i've been putting it off for a long time and i just had to do it before i set my mind to leave this company for good.

since it was my first serious check up. she asked the usual questions about our family's breast cancer history. so i told her the story: my mom passed away due to breast cancer last may and my aunt (my father's sister) had a mastectomy about a few months ago. she asked when my mom was diagnosed and i said last year. she asked, "do i have a sister? " and i said yes. since i have history on both sides, she told me i should have a regular check up after this. my sister too. i didn't ask her how often "regular check up" meant.

she told me she found some small lumps. but to be sure what those are, i better get a breast ultrasound due to my family's history with the disease. she gave me a slip to take back to maxicare.

when i got there, this guy told me that the makati med breast clinic schedule is full. there's an open schedule for october 31st, but its at 3pm. i asked for a 4pm sched, but they're only open until 3pm. wtf. but i have work that day. i asked to be sched for october 29th instead, but its a holiday - i'm told. damn. so i was scheduled for november 5th at 2.30 pm since the morning shedule is full as well. double damn.

i haven't told my family yet. i plan to tell my sister, my brother and my cousin. sincemy cousin works as a nurse in makati med, it would be awkward inventing a reason if i bump into her there. so might as well tell. i'll wait until i have the ultrasound result before i let the rest of the familia in on the secret. no need to give thm a heart attack before i know for sure.

if it's possible to die from too much anticipation, i'm sure i'd be dead by november 5. geez, then that would save me from having to go through the ultrasound and this waiting.

waiting is such a bitch....

mood: somber

the weather seems to be cooperating with the general mood. overcast skies. no sun and its almost 12 noon already. parang bumaba ang langit sa makati to sympathize with what happened yesterday.

or maybe to sympathize with me. i've been trying to login to thestone since this morning. no error message. it just wont accept my logins. are they shutting it down now? i hope not. i get antsy about unfinished business and i hope they don't shut the site down until i get to answer all the darn puzzles. but that is wishful thinking on my part. crap i still have 75 puzzles to go and one i'm close to cracking. plus 74 others that make me bang my head on the nearest object and question my sanity.

after that happened in glorietta 2, for the mean time no more trips to the mall. watching the news last night made my skin crawl. it's so unreal. it's one of the places i frequent with my siblings. thank God we weren't there. if it was probably a weekend, we would've been in trouble.

the stories i heard from my co workers whose loved ones experienced the terror of being at the wrong place at the wrong time is enough to keep me awake at night. all those body parts separated from their owners, my God. i'd be so traumatize for life if encounter a leg detached from it's owner.

my cousin who's a nurse at makati med relayed stories that would forever hunt my dreams. we are just so grateful we weren't there when it happened. at last year's bombing of a bus near the mrt and sm, my sister and i were at glorietta at that time calling my mom from a payphone. listening to the stories brought out the images of people stampeding towards every exit.





The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off. - Anonymous

Inday Nosebleed Jokes (Compilation): 2nd edition

i don't know where the 1st edition is. i received the compilation from my cousin. Most of the text messages i received in july and september are Inday messages. I've deleted some but those that I remember saving were also included here. i've included some of the Inday jokes i received through sms from one of my supervisors who seems to be an INDAY fan (hello MYKEps!) and my hermano who forwarded the sms about estong's message to Inday.

this is for all the inday followers. laugh till you drop...

1. "Whoever is spreading the malicious news of my supposed death is really out of his/her mind. It is a hoax! I am right here, alive and kicking. I am here to stay longer!" - Sagot ni INDAY sa balitang patay na siya

2. "Minekanikow ni Monico eng mekina neng menikow ni Monica."
"Peskow, peksew, Peskow, peksew."
"Booteke, betooka, booteeka, booteke, betooka, booteeka."
"Damn! I can't deliver the Filipino tongue twisters!"
- Si INDAY, nagsasanay ng tongue twisters

3. "It is in mistakes that we learn how to grow to be better individuals. You may judge me for what you perceive but it is not my mistake that determines who I am, rather, it is what I do to make things right." - Sagot ni INDAY sa amo nya nang makabasag siya ng pinggan

4. JEEPNEY DRIVER: Hoy! Bakit P6 lang ang ibinayad mo? P7 na ang pamasahe ngayon!
INDAY: I am currently enrolled in a two-year vocational course in an academic institution. Therefore, I am a student, and by this fact, I am entitled to have the inalienable right to avail of a certain discount on my jeepney fare. This is why I provided a payment less than what you expected because that is according to the law, as stated in the fare matrix.
JEEPNEY DRIVER: Okey.

5. Much as I would want to induldge in the proliferation of such indecent and malicious information, I want to life the stigma and alleviate scoeity's perception of our profession...We're not here to thrive on rumor but rather, we should engage in objective and top-of-the-line service to our designated employers." - Inday tumangging nakipagtsismisan sa katulong sa kabilang bahay. Professionalism at its best!

6. "We need to give due respect and the presumption of regularity to the verdict laid down against the former president. But guilty or not guilty, he will still be loved by people like me, people belonging to the masses." - Iyan ang sagot ni INDAY sa interbyu ng CNN sa kanya tungkol sa hatol kay ERAP

7. "Moisturizing my lips is really an essential part of my beauty routine because spending long hours under bright lights dries them out." - Iyan ang emote ni INDAY sa salamin habang ginagamit ang imported na lipstick ng amo.

8. "Be shame of your speaking. Did you think that your English grammary are corrected by? It's better to keep your mouth shock! Connect me if I'm wrong!" - Babala ni MELANIE MARQUEZ kay INDAY.

9. I'm not extremely good-looking but I have a sense of humor. I'm not breathtakingly intelligent but I'm relatively witty. I'm not insanely rich but I'm fairly kind. I'm just a simple guy with a crazy elusive ambition of meeting your acquiantance. So, hi!" - Si DODONG, nakikipag-txtm8 kay INDAY

10. P500 = Globe plan subscription
P1,800 = glutathione tablet
P600 = Olay Total Effects
P1,500 = Crocs flip flops
P2,000 = for Mama
- Bina-budget ni INDAY ang suweldo niya

11. Amo: Inday, bakit mo ibinenta 'yung sirang silya?
Inday: I have computed the chair's fair value less cost to sell, and the value in use using a five-year projection and a pre-tax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is in accordance with PAS 18 on Revenue, PAS 16 on Property, Plant and Equipment, and PAS 36 on Impairment of Assets.
AMO: (hindi naka-react)

12. Dear sir/madam,
Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis. - Si Inday, nagpapaalam mamalengke (economist pala si Inday)

13. FLASH REPORT!
Inday is alive! She's not yet dead. SOCO found out that the impostora of Inday was killed. Ederlyn (Inday's kapitbahay) was the mastermind.
SOCO: Bakit mo ipinapatay si Inday?
EDERLYN: Kasi, inagaw niya sa akin si Dodong!
INDAY: Mythemaniac! He was never yours!
EDERLYN: Dong, mahal kita! Di ba, mahal mo rin ako?
DODONG: I never said that I love you!

14. "How do I stop falling for someone? How do I defy the pull of gravity? Can I just flee? Flee before I hit the ground and suffer the pain? And tell myself: Why do I choose to fall in the first place when I know from the start that someone is never gonna be there to catch me anyway?" - Tanong ni INDAY sa sarili niya nang ma-in love siya sa amo niya.

15. Finding a perfect love? There is no perfect love. The only thing you can do to make it somehow perfect is to be satisfied!" - Paboritong quotation ni INDAY, bow!

16. Sa restaurant:
Waiter: Ano po ang order nila, ma'am?
Amo: 'Yung fried chicken meal na lang. Ikaw, Inday, anong sa 'yo?
Inday: I would like to partake of a dish of sauteed pork and chicken boiled in thick essence of fermented soy and cane extracts, with copious amounts of garlic, onions and basil, sprinkled with fine spices and served with a generous helping of root crop and fragrant jasmine rice.
Waiter: (natigalgal)
Amo: Iho, adobo with rice daw.

17: Morons! I was never raised by my mom to be a coquette! I'm nurtured with such dignity, respect and morality! Even poverty can't make me do such scandalous act! Sexy is from within. I don't rely on aesthetic products and on skimpy and scantily clad outfits. So pathetic!" - Banat ni INDAY nang alukin siyang mag-pose sa FHM.

18. GREAT NEWS!!! Want to receive daily updates straight from your favorite househelp INDAY? Now you can! Just text FANATXT INDAY ON and send to 2334 for Globe and Touch Mobile subscribers, and 4627 for Smart and Talk 'N Text. P2.50/text." - Talbog! May FanaTxt na si INDAY!

19. Never assure that love is enough to make someone stay or come back to you because when pain strikes the heart, love fades away no matter how great it was." - Sabi ni INDAY kay DODONG nang magdesisyon siyang makipag-break dahil nagkita niyang magkausap sina DODONG at EDERLYN.

20. "Aoy alimin mo ahit inyi bayid. Aamiyin o inyan aoy manyid. Tana ay iong nanyinyinik, chayong nyaap aoy nyanyanyamik." - Si PABLING, ngongong manliligaw ni Inday, kinakanta ang Alipin

21. Katxt ni INDAY si PACMAN:
Inday: Eow Manny.
Pacman: Ho u? Wir ded u got my #?
Inday: Dis is Inday, im one of ur fans.
Pacman: Uh rile? Im hape 2 her dat.
Inday: Yeah, I juz want 2 wish u gud luck in ur upcoming bout wd Barrera.
Pacman: Tink u viry much. Pls pray dat I wen des fyt.
Inday: Yes, ill pray 4 ur victory. Rgardz 2 Ara, esteJOKE lang!
Pacman: Kaw ha, pelya ka!
- Ang bigat ni Inday, kabiruan na si Pacman!

22. "I tried my best to wait for you. I've shouted, but you didn't come out. You didn't even respond. Now you want me to go back?" - Sabi ng MAGTATAHO kay Inday!

23. "Beri-beri, a Singhalese word which means 'weakness,' is a disease that caused death, particularly among prisoners and sailors. It is a disease caused by a deficiency in Vitamin B1." - Reaksyon ni INDAY nang malamang ikukulong si Erap.

24. "If the radius of the circle is 8 inches, and if we are going to divide it to 8 equal parts, the arc length should be 2 inches, neither 1 nor whatsoever. It is so disgusting that there are no equality among division of parts whereas complementary to what am I saying about. This matter is not indispensable, on a part that it should be diminished accordingly for future's sake." - INDAY, nag-e-emote! Mas malaki kasi ang pizza slice na ibinigay kay EDERLYN nang ininterbyu sila sa Oprah Show (Naks! International na!)

25. To make it stand, you wet it! To make it wet, you suck it! To make it stiff, you lick it! To get it in, you push it!" Damn! Ang hirap maglagay ng sinulid sa karayom! 'Kainis!" - Si INDAY, tinuturuang manahi si SIR. Flirty-flirty si Inday, huh?!

26. "A Peeping Tom like you has no place in this society. Although I admit that I have a beautiful body, you have no right, nor privilege to feast on it without my knowledge. Such a Satanic act must be stopped immediately. I condemn what you did and I have no other recourse but to bring this matter to Sir and Ma'am for proper action." - Sabi ni INDAY sa HARDINERO na nahuli niyang sinisilipan siya habang naliligo

27. "I will be out of the country starting tomorrow until September 30 for an overseas engagement. It would be appreciated if you would refrain from sending forwarded messages 'till I come back since I am on roaming and it costs Php10.00/msg received by the overseas network. Thanks." - Txt ni INDAY kina DODONG at MANANG noong isinama siya ng amo niya sa Madrid, España

28. "Please pray for the quick recovery of INDAY! She's currently in the ICU because of excessive nose bleeding which she had while accompanying Junior in his school's LINGGO NG WIKA celebration." - Please pass this to all whose lives, like mine, have been touched by Inday

29. "The privilege of loving is something that needs to be cherished. There will come a time that your love won't be reciprocated. but who cares? What matter is that you experienced the most magnificent feeling ever intended for humans." - Inday binasted ni badong. Di sya bitter ng lagay nyang to.

30. "A change in the weather patterns might have occurred causing havoc to affected surroundings...the way debris are scattered indicated that the gust of wind is going northeast...causing damage to the path it is going." - Sagot in inday samin nung tanungin kung bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay

31. Physical stress and excessive work may result to serious damage to one's body. It is therefore essential we take a break from our usual routine to replenish our energy. - Sagot ni Inday sa amo nya ng ayaw siyang payagang mag day off

32. "There are tulips in the street, there are tulips in the park, but nothing compares to our two lips meeting in the dark." - Pamatay lines ni Estong kay Inday!

33. "Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!" - Si Inday pinapaalis ang makulit na pulubi sa gate.

34. To STOP receiving INDAY messages, text INDAY (space) OFF and send to 2366." - Inday (bwelta ni Inday sa mga kumakalat na messages nya!)

35. "I pity you for you have degraded your very own pride and dignity by resorting to this despicable behavior just for money. "I hope that one day you will realize that you should not use people as means to your ends. As what the great philosopher Kant uttered, 'Treat a man as an end in himself.'" Sabi ni INDAY sa holdaper na nanghoholdap sa kanya.
Ang sagot ng HOLDAPER, "Shut up coz if you don't, the bullet in this gun will rest upon your empty head!"

ANG SOSYAL NA TALAGA NILA, 'NO?!

36. "I was shot by a 9mm bullet at the head damaging my entire stupid brain and my fucking skull so that i will die and stop speaking english preventing people from nosebleeding!" - in loving memory of Inday (ayan patay na sya! Sa wakas tapos na ang mga kahibangan!)

37. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. But...I also believe that God has given me an eternal life, that through Him I resurrect and come back to life, finish my business especially with people who are quoting me and have spread everything that I say as if I am a celebrity. And oh, to reunite with my beloved Ederlyn, wherever she is." - Inday resurrected (10 Sept 2007)






=_)


***

The world is round; it has no point. - Adrienne E. Gusoff

"I cleave the heavens, and soar to the infinite. What others see from afar, I leave far behind me." - Giordano Bruno

Bruno's universe had no center. "In the Universe," he wrote, "no center and no circumference exist, but the center is everywhere . . ."


Elaborating upon this point he remarked: As to us on Earth, the Earth seems to be the center of the Universe, so to inhabitants of the Moon, the Moon will appear as such ... Each world has its center, each its up and down; these differences are to be assigned relatively . . .

Because of such belief, Bruno was declared a heretic, handed over to secular authorities on February 8, 1600. At his trial he listened to the verdict on his knees, then stood up and said: "Perhaps you, my judges, pronounce this sentence against me with greater fear than I receive it."

He was burned at the stake, naked, with is tongue gagged (ughhh...that's mighty painful).


poor man...





*********
nonsense? depends on whether you're on the same boat as i am. d@mmit! i am stoned out of my friggin' mind. i'm stumped again...arggghhh... i hate being back in the land of arggghhhnesss!!

i've had all i can take about copernicus, galileo and the heliocentric theory. i don't remember doing so much research on this even in highschool.
soo many closes and noooo cigar. i'm not even done with puzzle i've privately labeled mothman, spiderman and green goblin. it's the only way i know of describing it. i got 2 clevers - 1 of which is the taunt which references a previous solved puzzle. just thinking about this puzzle makes my head hurt. all those alien thingies, ufo's, icky looking insects, moths and spiders are driving me bananas! i want to hold on to the chickenjoy i ate for lunch. i just don't see any common denominator that leads me to a close. the mother of all frustrations. at the rate i'm going, i have more chances of being abducted by aliens than solving this! and then there's the creepy puzzle (i refuse to listen to another ghost recording! i hope this doesn't bite me in the butt. but i've had enough listening to ghosts). somebody save me....



i need a noogie, a nudgie, a good nudge, a good whack in the head... anything to jolt my frozen brain cells into a working frenzy....

coffee.... i need coffee!

****

posted by ... from the land of arggghhhnesss. please burn after reading!

Dance is the hidden language of the soul. - Martha Graham

because i was reminded of my mom today, i recalled the dream my aunt told me about when i went home to naga 2 weeks ago.

she said that she had a dream of my mother, dancing by the pool. my mom has always been in pain because of her illness, so she was perplexed to see her dancing about. so she said, " i thought you're sick." my mom replied, "i'm feeling much better now." and she continued to dance by the pool.




hen xiang ni mama



Dance like no one is looking. Love like you've never been hurt. - anonymous

end of thestone age

they say that thestone is about to end =( now that the 216th puzzle has been answered. i have to work double time on my solving. i still have 76 puzzles to go! arghhh!

i really hate the puzzles i'm stuck on right now. if i have to listen to another ghost recording i'm gonna scream. i wish somebody would just give me the answer for that puzzle. too many closes and no cigar.





Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. - Russell Baker

for psyche dahil nag comment ka

=_)


Question:

Can love really last a last time?


Answer:

Absolutely – but only if you chuck the fairytale of living happily ever after. A team of scientists recently found that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain that last 12 to 18 months. After that, you and your partner are on your own.


Relationships require maintenance. Meaning, it's both your choice.



Bottom line: IT WILL LAST, if you know how to commit.





Source: Reader's Digest May 2006




***
a friend of mine sent this via sms. but you can read the rest here
love and be lovable psyche =)

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. - Sean O'Casey

know you don't want to listen
but let me tell you anyway:

everyone is not what they seem
guard your heart
when you love
save a little something for yourself

if it's not for you let it go
choose your friends carefully

they say old sins have long shadows;
so avoid doing something you will regret in the future

learn to say NO
success is not worth it if you will work yourself sick to get there

keep your promise
even if everyone breaks theirs

nothing 's wrong with waiting;
if you're waiting for something that's worthwhile

when you say you understand
mean it
when you say you love
do it

and yes life is indeed short
so live and be merry
and in everything you do
make sure it makes you happy

no regrets





zhu ni shengri kuaile shobe




The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

promises, promises

i have to admit, going to mass really puts me to sleep these days. more often than not the reason i am in attendance is to lessen the mortal sins i have commited or i'm about to commit (hala!) so if God decides to end the world today, i have an idea of where my poor soul is headed...

but several weeks ago, my hermano and i heard mass at greenbelt. the priest's name was Fr. Nolan. he's not the principal but he's working for one of the chinese schools here in manila. he's chinese; and well you wont mistake him for anything else if you check his looks and accent. but what he said woke me up from my stupor. normally sermons have a way of lulling me to sleep especially if i just came from working the graveyard shift.

he told a story of a little girl whom he heard asking God to remind her father to keep his promise. apparently the father made a promise a long time ago to visit them but he didn't keep it. the priest learned later on that the father had another family.

he said that adults these days don't know how to keep their promises. (talk about deteriorating moral values.) but it's because adults don't keep their promises that so many children suffer in this world today. if married people keep the promises they made when they agreed to marry, there would be no little girls suffering the way that little girl did. these days people just don't put too much importance on keeping the vows they've made. it's what we teach these little children. it's what they see and thus we perpetuate this kind of suffering.

i wish that in real life, there is such thing as ceteris paribus. if all other things will remain constant, maybe there's a greater chance of keeping a promise. it's so easy to make promises but keeping them can be such a struggle. people change. they change even more when put in desperate situations .. and sadly even our perceptions on morality.



Underpromise; overdeliver. - Tom Peters, in The Chicago Tribune

the plate didn't just break, it shattered.

shattered into irreparably smaller pieces. blatantly telling me i can never make it whole again. no glue or epoxy would ever make it whole again. the shards were behind me, in front of me, beneath my bare feet as i stepped over it. i winced at the sharp jabs but my feet did not bleed. i stared at the food that now mixed with the broken pieces of the plate. that too is wasted.

i could almost hear the displeasure in my mother's voice. i felt her heart break. i was asking for a sign and this was it. and i thought correll plates don't break easily.


i'm not keeping it together mom. i don't know how. i told you when i dreamt of you last night. hindi ko na kaya Mama. you hugged me and then i woke up crying again. you were standing in my kitchen where i broke the plate. there was a praying mantis and i remember telling it: diwit, diwit hain ang langit? sana marahay si mama. you said you never wanted to leave. you never asked for this... i know. it's just so hard... you not being here.

the past and present collide in my dreams. last august 14 i woke up disoriented. i thought i was in our old apartment in naga. i dreamt we were there - you, me and jack. you didn't pay any attention to the two of us. you just walked into the house. i remember telling jack in my dream, Mama's here. but we know you're dead. we called out to you but you ignored us. and then i woke up. confused. i thought i was in naga. lying in our old cot in the sala. i thought it was you standing in front of me but then it dawned on me i am in manila and you're dead. it was the mirror with the bathrobe thrown over it being blown by the fan. it was still dark outside but i couldn't sleep again.

it's been 3 months since you've been gone and i can't seem to stop the counting the hours, the days the weeks, the months...

then last august 18 i was back in that dream. in the old apartment. i was wearing clothes you bought for me, the maroon spaghetti top and the black shorts. funny how i can recall these things. but in that dream i was the one dying because i took a pill that would slowly kill me. some sort of experiment that had irreversible consequences. you walked into the house and you said, " You look so happy. You must really want to die." And suddenly i know i didn't want to because i don't want to leave you. i hugged you and i cried. i don't want to die.

it was past 3 in the afternoon and i woke up crying. i remember the last time i cried like that in your arms. it was on your hospital bed. the first time you were brought to the hospital. it was january. it was right after i saw the bruises and the needle marks. after the nurse that took your blood pressure and checked the dextrose had left. i remember climbing into bed with you and i just cried. cried on your shoulder. i have never felt so helpless in my life. i was trying to hold on to you but you were slowly slipping away. you were telling me to take care of papa, of jack and shoty. and i didn't want to listen to you talking like that because i don't want you die yet. you told me that there's nothing that we can do about it. sabi mo hanggang dito na lang talaga. you sounded so tired but i know you held on because of us.

i know what you were trying to tell me in these dreams. it's just hard. not being able to see you or touch you ever again. nothing is ever the same Mama.


i can't hold them together anymore.






Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories


---
I Will Remember You
Sarah McLachlan