chaos theory

right. how inappropriate to name this happyvanny. i am sorry. i never meant to mislead... i have never written anything about happiness. i am counting miseries rather than blessings. i cannot see beyond the gray. i can never get past this blackness. i don't think i will ever be warm.

there isn't much to be happy about in my life these days. i understand there are people who are in more painful situations than i am. but that fact does not lift this cloud of doom that is hovering over me. i feel like i am waiting...waiting for the ax to fall. or maybe it has... and i am just running around like a headless chicken.

i don't know anymore. maybe this is the calm before the storm. beneath the stillness, a raging force - waiting for the right time to unleash a long suppressed fury. i am torn between holding it all in and just letting it all go. but i fear the aftermath more than the explosion. i don't know if there will be anything left...of me.

but the temptation to lose sanity... and to give in to this madness is becoming more overwhelming. i am losing my senses. i am floating in a sea of madness. there is no beacon of light, no shore. just an endless sea of madness. i am caught in a riptide i am too weak to swim against. i am being swallowed whole. the more i fight, the more i lose. the more i struggle, the faster i sink. i am hovering between hysteria and full fledge panic. i am losing my grip. i am slipping away. damn it...

i don't know anymore. i don't want to know anymore. i don't want to think. the more i think, the more i hurt. the more i hurt, the more i hate. this is my self inflicted hell. the more i stall, the more i am torn apart. torn apart by my desire to fight and my desire to be passive. i am sick... sick of my indecisiveness, my predilection for self pity and my predisposition for self destruction.




but i will gladly sink.
i will happily give in.
i will be tempted.
i will...



if you promised to meet me at the bottom.