ingrata

i'm sorry. i could not dredge up any sympathies. i could not even make myself pretend i care. when i heard it's something like my mom's, i just didn't care. i had too many things in my mind. too many dead people that preoccupied my time. too many living people still wasting my time. you must all be going through what we went through a year ago. BTDTFT. the world doesn't stop but i don't think you need me to tell you that. life goes on no matter how badly you wished it to stop. it didn't stop for me. it doesn't stop for anybody. it won't stop for you. best to get the truth out. tears will not cure anything. wishing it away will not make it go away. this is your reality. it would have to be dealt with. maybe not now, but sooner than later...you will. because time is ticking and time is something you don't have.

i'm sorry. i don't care. i have so much hate. so much angst. pent up anger. not for you. but don't turn to me for sympathies, because there isn't any here for you or for anybody. i don't mean to be cold. i don't mean to be sarcastic. i just don't want you to waste your time or mine. what made me like this? Death... it takes away the masks, the niceties... so that there is nothing left to hide behind. i have always complained that it's not fair. i have always been told that it never was. now we're on the same boat. i know you wished you were somewhere else. so does everyone else here on this boat. so maybe God has wicked sense of humor...and we're the butt of his joke.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster. - I saac Asimov

missed opportunities

i think i am falling out of routine.


i used to complain i was starting to have one when i begun to notice how we often seem to cross paths at paseo. early in the morning just as the sun is gearing up and starting to get hot. you - walking to wherever your office is (probably somewhere in ayala). i - on my way home. sometimes we'd cross paths in front of 711, or the old prudential bank which is now BPI, or in front of veteran's, or AIM. i seem to see you all over that place. heck i was starting to get used to it. we never spoke. not even a single word. we only passed each other by. but when i see you walking towards me, tall amid the rushing crowd, wearing your usual black shirt and jeans, your bulky mailbag that probably has your laptop; sometimes i smile. maybe i was the only one who noticed. you - you never seem to notice me at all.


now



i dread going home...
we rarely cross paths anymore.
one of us
must be falling out
of routine.







Nothing occurs at random, but everything for a reason and by necessity".
-Leucippus

tired as hell. spent my birthday working. it went as silently as it came. no fun. i am no fun. no ice cream. no cake. nothing. slept through it. i don't think i know what 'fun' is anymore. sure i laugh. empty-crazy-what-the-hell-am-i-doing-laugh.

last year was a crazy year. it's been one year since my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. it's been one year of suspended animation, misdirected anger, endless wandering, never ending WONdering, and i-can't-believe-i'm-still-here. yes still wondering.

still waiting for that ax to fall. still running around like a headless chicken. still where i was before. thought i have left but woke up a year later only to find out i merely dreamt it all. still stuck. my feet seemed glued to this place but my mind takes me some place nice when i dream.

still alone. surrounded by a noisy endless sea of humanity. and still alone. mostly by choice. alone. still. still. dream.




"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." An English Professor , Ohio University

Aries: Consider the various options

or so says tarotdotcom for me today. at the rate things are going here at work... I AM

kalimutan mo na sya

spoke with my mom the other day. she told me she thought the house was going to burn down. my father left to buy something from the store and left her alone. the stove was on since my father was boiling something. he thought he was going to come back soon. but all the water had evaporated and soon my mom can smell something burning.

my mom is paralyzed from waist down. she was seated near the window and had to beg a young man who passed by to turn the stove off. good thing someone passed by. good thing she was near the window. our streets are usually deserted on weekdays because most of the people in the neighborhood are off to work, and the kids have gone to school.

my father arrived 30 minutes later. it's these things i get scared of. i wanted to berate my father for being so inconsiderate. it made her feel more sorry for herself. she couldn't run even if she wanted to. getting her aggravated worsens her condition because she has difficulty breathing and we have to put her on oxygen. if no one had passed by, i hate to think of what could have happened. my brother told me that when he arrived that night, my mom was almost in tears about what had happened. i asked my mom if it's any one of our nearby neighbors but she doesn't think so. the young man just happened to pass by. she told me that he told her to be careful, the month of march being the "fiery month."

i told her we'd get her a wheelchair. a few months ago no one would've ever thought she would need it. i still wish she would be able to walk again...someday.


--"Contrary to popular belief, time can't heal the deepest wounds. And wisdom is a slave to pain." - Methos