tired as hell. spent my birthday working. it went as silently as it came. no fun. i am no fun. no ice cream. no cake. nothing. slept through it. i don't think i know what 'fun' is anymore. sure i laugh. empty-crazy-what-the-hell-am-i-doing-laugh.

last year was a crazy year. it's been one year since my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. it's been one year of suspended animation, misdirected anger, endless wandering, never ending WONdering, and i-can't-believe-i'm-still-here. yes still wondering.

still waiting for that ax to fall. still running around like a headless chicken. still where i was before. thought i have left but woke up a year later only to find out i merely dreamt it all. still stuck. my feet seemed glued to this place but my mind takes me some place nice when i dream.

still alone. surrounded by a noisy endless sea of humanity. and still alone. mostly by choice. alone. still. still. dream.




"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." An English Professor , Ohio University