pocket change

it rained last night. just a slight drizzle. enough to annoy someone who had to walk without an umbrella from the corner of paseo de roxas to ayala.

i met two kids. a girl and a boy. probably aged 9 and 7 respectively. i didn't bother to ask. i didn't bother, which is the main problem. the girl was holding the umbrella. the little boy with a backpack is probably her little brother.

as i approached them they turned to me. the girl said, "pahingi po. pamasahe lang pauwi." something like "may i ask money for our fare home. "

as i was walking towards them, i had an inkling that they would probably ask something like that. i had been approached by teenagers along my way to ayala terminal for money too. i also wondered what two kids would be doing there at dark. i don't know if there are other puj's passing by that area aside from the makati loop service.

the point is i was asked. i was surprised...a little...that my hunch was correct. i don't normally engaged on any conversations with strangers on a dark street. but these are little kids so i stopped.

i stopped. and i check my jeans pocket and i found three peso coins. that was all my jeans hold at that time.

flashback to my conversation with shobe, 30 minutes ago. i asked her for my pamasahe (fare) to go to work. i had to haggle until she gave the money to me. coins - a couple of of five peso, a few one peso and some twenty-five cent coins. it wouldn't even total to twenty but it's enough to get me to work and back. now in front of the two kids. i was at a dilemma...

i gave them the coins from my pocket. then without ever looking back, i walked away. every step i took i felt like a scum. i could have given them more but i held back. they will stand in the rain. until another person passed by and gave them a few more to get them home. i could only wished they didn't have to wait long.

as i walked away farther and farther into ayala avenue, my conscience could not be silenced. it was dark and wet. the drizzle is starting to turn into something more. but i didn't turn back. instead i put on my id and went into the building. there were still two kids standing somewhere in paseo. waiting for someone to give them a few more coins so they could get home. because i didn't give enough.

i felt like a failure. like i failed a major test. after preparing for the minor ones and passing them, here comes the big one, the major test i have always prepared myself for - but i failed. i weighed the things on my mind, and my selfishness tipped the scales on my favor. i could have dug through my bag and gave them some of the coins in my purse. i could have but i didn't. then maybe someone at the office could probably loan me a couple of bucks if i ran out of money. but i didn't turn back. i have always written that we live with our choices. that was mine. but i couldn't live with it. everytime i think of it, bile rises to my throat. have i become as coldhearted as the rest on this side of the world? i have.

i wish i could turn back time. do it all over again. do it differently. pick a different choice. some people are so lucky they get a second chance. but for some like me, we live with the might-have-beens and wait until our conscience become silent. until then, we must prowl this darkness for that tiny flicker of light...we hope...