25% of the time, i write mostly to please myself. 30% to please others and 45% just to let it all out before i poison myself with these thoughts. i was (and still is) never good with expressing myself verbally. to compensate for that lack in verbal ability, i try to put into writing the things i could not say.

writing gives me more time to think of words i want to 'say' than talking. i can always erase what i don't want to see in print. with talking, it's harder to take back what has been said.

i know i write ambiguously because i Am. often i don't make any sense, because I fell asleep when God doled out sensibility. but i want to be understood...at the same time the dark side of me wants to be misunderstood. within me are forces fighting for dominance. forces going on opposite directions. i am often torn apart. these days, i am frequently pulled into the other side. my mind is filled with nothing but Darkness. i am both thrilled and scared out of my wits. i am drugged by the heady sense of it. my heart pounds and my blood boils. adrenalin. i have never felt so alive... in a darker sense.

within me, i know i am swimming in poison. like swimming in an ocean full of of jellyfish and sharks. but i can't move too much. because the more i move the more i get stung and the more i attract the attention of the sharks.

my writing is my chronicle of my psyche's flirtation with darkness while trying to not lose sight of the Light. it is trying to put all the realities existing in my brain into some concrete form. it is trying to make sense of my madness, of my struggle to find my bearing. my writing allows me to get in touch with the baser side of me, to understand it before it overwhelms me. it is about my fascination with the Dark simply because I was created by Light.

my writing is the testament to my existence. i write therefore i am... here. or so i think...



To Eva: Welcome to my thoughts ! i still write lots of crap cherie. so nice to hear from each other again. been so long ja? i miss seeing the envelopes, the stationaries ... seemed so long ago. thanks for dropping by and comment like crazy ok? same as always...anything goes.